"He's Just Too Good": League CRACKS DOWN On LA Amid Vandelay Dominance, Goaler's Ironman Endurance Labeled an "Unfair Advantage" by Powers That Be

[Gustav 6,421]

LOS ANGELES--Stars players, coaches, and management, along with thousands of city residents, took to the streets openly sobbing Sunday night as VHL leadership announced its latest and most controversial decision to cap off a week of wild excitement in the sim league community. In a letter addressed to the team, league leadership declared the league's premier netminder, Art Vandelay, unfit for full service in S86, labeling his play an "unfair advantage" for LA and ordering him suspended for two games for reasons unclear to the hockey community at large.

 

"I'm 5'6" and I have a beer gut," said Vandelay in an official press release Sunday night. "Obviously I'm not juicing, so what is it? We don't even have a trash can on the bench and I can't exactly deflate a puck." 

 

Though league decisions seem to be made WHOLLY ARBITRARILY and WITHOUT WARNING, and fans are left only to speculate, Stars media has wondered if the decision has come on the back of an entirely unfounded smear campaign launched this season by the @MubbleFubbles agency alleging "performance discrimination" on Vandelay's part in games against Chicago.

 

This poster made an appearance on many Chicago streets--and on a known moderator's balcony--after a string of UTTERLY DOMINANT Vandelay performances against the team.

 

Regardless of whether Vandelay saved his good performances for the Phoenix--a ridiculous notion in itself--the league has determined that Vandelay's sheer existence, and ability to play more than others without WIMPING OUT to someone whose name literally starts with a beta, is akin to cheating rather than godlike powers of puck-stopping, and ordered his usage to be decreased in the future, as a team with Vandelay is just too much of a work of art for certain members to comprehend.

 

"It's communism, Jerry! Communism!" said Vandelay in a phone interview with former Malmo (and Davos!) defenseman Jerry Garcia this morning. "I don't come to practice, I don't shower, I don't talk to the media, and no one cares! But the second I do, they hate me, Jerry! I've even got an appearance in a coffee table book that the publisher is pulling back on!"

 

Coffee table book or not, Vandelay's fans consider this just a temporary "delay" in his improvement as LA continues to rocket up the charts of power and respect, and the goaler himself will be ready to overcome said obstacle when the opportunity presents itself.