An Open Letter From Landon Wolanin Regarding The Unceasing Passage Of Time And His Participation In A Blood Cult, And Also Deals With Devils

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Hello fans, haters and those bored enough to read this letter on Twitter,

I have opened my notes app today (Please check the link in my bio to get an exclusive deal on a new Iphone 23XL Super Pro Limited VHL Edition 4.8TB, while supplies last, please contact your local Apple Orchard for more details) to tell you all about my plans for the coming season. Fear not (or perhaps fear, if you’re into that), I will not be retiring this offseason. I will be coming back for more, and stronger than ever next season. I have been fighting some nagging injuries over the last few seasons, and thanks to the hard work of the folks in the London United organization, I have had an extra long offseason to heal, rejuvenate and train my body to grow even beyond my previous 99 point heights.

 

But, I know that this is the beginning of the end. The deals I have struck with Simon are coming to a close, and after one more demon-infused season, I will be forced to return my soul, which is owed to Lord Simon himself, with imminence. I am afraid that I will soon be no more than a husk of meat and bones. This is the cost of becoming a VHL player, and each player must weigh the value of their soul accordingly. Some get the good end of the deal. They work hard and get just enough attention from their patron to make it to the Hall of Fame, where they are allowed to live alongside their soul and one loved one in the glory of their success and Simon’s goodwill forever. Everyone else must forfeit their soul to the dark overlord and return to the world, a mindless prophet, seeking new and impressionable children to indoctrinate into their blood cult.

 

I can feel my mind tugging me towards a young child. Please keep this in context, I promise I’m not weird, I’m just in a cult. I cannot find them, as if they were in the Latvian 3rd tier league or something. They are completely shrouded in ice dust, and play in a flurry of incomprehensible motion. At the conclusion of S91, my time is up and I must venture forth into the world to find my charge. It will likely take me a few weeks to find and induct them, but soon there will be another loyal servant among us (sus?).

 

I have narrowed down my search a small amount, as I imagine that I am looking for a defender. But something tells me that this isn’t just one defender, but perhaps 2. Or maybe just one particularly large one. I can’t really tell. I feel as though I will need the help of a trusty feline companion to fully uncover this mystery. If anyone knows of a particularly talented hockey cat that I can align my goals with, please contact me in my Instagram DMs, or Saturdays  on Snapchat from 1:00 am to 1:37 am, excluding 1:11 to 1:23 am as that is my designated levitation and sleep paralysis time.


Love,

Landon Wolanin