Wayne Gretzky Biography

[MubbleFubbles 1,289]

 

Wayne Gretzky was born to a couple of people who were far too happy to be in each other’s company at some point in 1961 and it was clear from the moment that he was born, this child was going to be special. However regarding what he would be special at, it wasn’t clear at all. Three years post birth, a time period which interestingly also saw Wayne Gretzky improve from 0 years old to 3 years old in the same time-frame, Gretzky had already emerged as one of the top Jenga players in the world, participating on the international stage representing Canada in the World Jenga Games. Ultimately, their first tournament appearance was considered a colossal failure, going out in the opening round of the tournament and left Wayne Gretzky utterly shaken to the point where, had he been familiar with the term “Fuck This Shit” at this age, he undoubtedly would have said that.

 

However, this moment of darkness in this young child’s life still led them towards the light. As is common practice amongst many organizations, hockey scouts were on hand at the World Jenga Games to try to lure potential stars away from the much more prominent Jenga scene with the promises of riches in the National Hockey League. Wayne Gretzky, who initially said of hockey in the lead-up to the World Jenga Games “It’s a fake sport for lame people”, had a change of mind after having his soul wrenched from his young heart at the tournament and decided to enter the 1965 NHL Draft at 4 years old and went on to be the first overall pick in that draft due to lack of players in the draft along with the insane potential that Wayne Gretzky possessed.

 

The team Wayne Gretzky went to in the draft was the Edmonton Oilers, who absolutely existed in 1965, and he played hockey with them for all of the next 35 years without the Oilers even having a single consideration for trading Wayne Gretzky as they knew full well that Wayne Gretzky was the best hockey player of all time from the moment he first stepped onto the ice for the team at 5 years old. I could go into every single accolade that Gretzky earned as a member of the Oilers, but that would wind up having this article go on for 3000 words and I only need 800, so to break it down more, he was pretty fucking phenomenal, winning every award possible and every Stanley Cup to the point where, in 1999, the NHL had to do the previously unthinkable and ask Wayne Gretzky to step away from the league. The reason for this was simple, the 1999 NHL season consisted of only two teams because every other team left the league because of how good Wayne Gretzky was with the Oilers and how singularly dominant the Oilers had become. That other team in the league in 1999 was the Los Angeles Kings, who in a last gasp effort to keep Gretzky in the league offered Wayne Gretzky the presidency of Canada and the United States combined to move to the Kings. However, Gretzky refused, bluntly stating “The Kings are a garbage franchise, I’ll never play for them, not a fucking chance”. This denial of a move to the Kings ultimately meant that Wayne Gretzky had to leave the league and, basically, the hockey world.

 

So what did he do in between 1999 and entering the VHL in 2099 (canonically)? Well, first of, we should probably address the fact that Wayne Gretzky should be dead at this point right? I mean he’s well over 100 years old, what is he still doing here, let alone lacing up skates for one more go in the VHL? Well, that is a very simple case of Wayne Gretzky finding the Obsidian Life-Giving Amulet on a hiking excursion in Peru. This amulet gave Wayne Gretzky immortality and the ability to stay at his current age, so long as he held the Life-Giving Amulet, which it is vastly important to point out was Obsidian in both colour and material. This led to several previously impossible feats being made possible by the now-immortal Wayne Gretzky; in 2030, he became the first man to hike directly to the Moon. In 2042, Wayne Gretzky set up residence in the core of the Earth and subsequently introduced the human race to the gnomes who dwelled in the core. In 2060, Gretzky improved upon his original trip and became the first man to swim to the Moon. However despite all of this, his desire to continue to play hockey was still there and, in 2099, Wayne Gretzky made the most heroic return of all time and entered into the Season 92 VHL Draft.

 

 Everyone was incredibly excited, and then Wayne Gretzky broke his everything. And then everyone was sad. But he recovered, albeit after 42 more broken everythings, and is now ready to take over the hockey world once more!

[N0HBDY 1,117]

Locked and loaded lmao

[Daniel Janser 2,167]

6 hours ago, MubbleFubbles said:

Wayne Gretzky set up residence in the core of the Earth and subsequently

And i thought Wayne's office was behind the net...