It's Not a Lie If You Believe It: The Art Vandelay Story

[Gustav 6,425]

"What-delay Industries?"

 

No one wanted latex. And worse, no one even wanted any latex-related goods. 

 

Art Vandelay's small business was challenged from the start when he tried to set it up in Manhattan--it's a perfect place to be an importer-exporter, of course, but not when no one there wants your imports and no one elsewhere wants your exports. He'd tried it all--it's hard to be an architect when everyone else wants to shape New York's skyline too, and it's hard to make it in the Yankees' front offices when George Steinbrenner wants to give your job security the old Billy Martin treatment. It's the City That Never Sleeps because everyone wants to beat everyone else, and when everyone else is working around the clock, you have to do it too.

 

The trouble is, Art Vandelay wasn't very interested in that, not to mention again that no one wanted latex or latex-related goods. The stock market in New York is as chaotic as it is because it's unpredictable, and sometimes the investment just isn't one that works. Vandelay Industries, as a hopefully-diversified import-export business, had taken a turn for the worse and sunk its entire investment into a bear market (at least, I think that's what it's called. I try not to care too much).

 

So, how do you dig yourself out of a hole and not work as hard as the others? Vandelay hadn't shut down his business yet, but you can't fail at making ends meet for too long in the Big Apple. 

 

 

A screenshot from Art Vandelay's OnlyFans page.

 

And yes, some of his methods could have upset the more pure-hearted among us. Something OnlyFans-adjacent (for some people, I suppose) was a gig as a hand model after random encounter as a talent manager, and this paid off quite well (did you know that some hand models make close to $100k a year?) until...

 

 

Vandelay is, um, "misidentified" on live TV.

 

Yes, hand models can serve as hand doubles for famous actors (for some stupid reason), and where actors go, so does the press. And where the press goes...sometimes confusion goes, too. It's a long story, but Art Vandelay being labeled on TV as, let's just say, someone other than Art Vandelay, also created confusion at work. And that confusion at work spilled over into a loss of a job, and it was back to square one. Latex and latex-related goods. Which, again, no one cared about--despite its prominent use on Vandelay's OnlyFans.

 

But thinking a lot about latex and hands got Vandelay thinking even more. Latex gloves are a thing, of course, but what about latex-related goods and gloves? It's no secret to anyone here that New York has one of the world's most storied sports scenes. From Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig to Jeter and A-Rod, it's been much more than just a big city with a lot of people. It's been a culture. But with bridges burned between Vandelay and Steinbrenner, it couldn't exactly be Jeter and A-Rod and Vandelay, and some of the other sports were sort of taken out of the picture. There aren't many latex-related goods in basketball, and all the latex-related goods in football had already been coated directly onto OBJ's gloves. But which sport has the highest concentration of plastics and polymers and other synthetic materials anyway? You guessed it--hockey. And which position in hockey has more of those than any other? You guessed it again.

 

The import-export business suddenly became a major play for Vandelay again when he used his latex-related connections to start exporting the raw materials and importing the finished product. Vandelay Industries goalie pads were just as good as anyone else's, as their creator was certain, but this needed to be proven. But, with only three or so connections in Manhattan, none of which had extensive hockey experience, he had to take matters into his own hands. 

 

From the start, Vandelay was a natural in net. He outplayed the rest of the beer leagues for a while, but having aged out of the typical places where scouting is done, he figured that would be all it ever went. He was about ready to give up on the hockey equipment business...until he showed up at a higher-level matchup doing his best to interest the teams in a Vandelay Industries glove. As luck would have it, injuries called for an emergency replacement, and who better to be the replacement than the guy who brought his own glove? Vandelay stepped in and killed it.

 

(As a note: please click that last link if you've made it this far. I had no idea that existed until now and it makes me so happy that it retroactively makes sense that Vandelay is a VHL goaler)

 

As luck would further have it, VHL scouts were present. There were none from New York, so he would have to move, and after four wins in Ottawa in S82, he'd move down to Florida in S83, right into the gated community of Del Boca Vista. He'd be in the pool, he'd be in the clubhouse, he'd be all over that shuffleboard court--and he'd dare the VHL to keep him out.

 

And you know the rest.

 

I'm going to tag @Doomsday because real recognizes real and I think this will be appreciated. I did not think I'd (sort of) ever write Seinfeld fan fiction, but here we are and it was kind of fun.

[DarkSpyro 939]

This man’s brilliance knows no bounds

 

Far and away the best thing I have ever read on the forums- incredible bio G!!

[jacobcarson877 2,536]

Art Vandelay

[Doomsday 4,130]

19 hours ago, Gustav said:

Vandelay stepped in and killed it

 

I can't believe I've never seen this!