Wann Kerr kidnapped by a celebrity chef

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January 1, 2024

London United training camp begins. Wann Kerr arrives among the last players, understandably slightly hungover after the New Year celebration, but otherwise looks like everything is okay with him. He put up solid performance, looking ready for the upcoming season. Around 6:30 p.m. UTC, he leaves the London United training facility alone in a rented car.

 

January 2, 2024 – January 5, 2024

The same pattern repeats, Wann Kerr works his behind off with the team, but seems rather quiet. He leaves alone in a rented car.

 

January 6, 2024

Wann Kerr doesn't arrive at the training camp. Not showing up for a single day of the camp is a slight contract violation, but not a cause for concern.

 

January 7, 2024

Wann Kerr doesn't show up again. The team management calls him, his phone is off and he's not available on any social media. Him wife is notified, but she's not able to reach him either. London police is notified and tasked with a welfare check. Kerr's rented car is parked by his apartment building, but no one responds to the knocking on Kerr's rented apartment door. After the landlord opened the door for the police, they found out the apartment is empty and there are signs of struggle. A city-wide search for Kerr is commenced.

 

 

January 8, 2024

Hockey fans from the whole country swarm London to help to look for their team's missing top center. Every hotel in the city is at full capacity and restaurants are reporting 316% increase of profits on average.

 

January 9, 2024

Pre-season press conference is held without Kerr. Eventually questions about Kerr had to be banned for the sake of getting somewhere.

 

January 10, 2024

Two hours before the season opener, a white van stops by United Arena and offloads a human sized package. A janitor opens it to find Kerr inside. Kerr thanks him, pays him 5 pounds and a perfectly softboiled egg, and goes to the United locker room to get ready for the game.

 

Now what happened with Kerr? Was he kidnapped by his VHLM captain Juan Ceson again to be replaced by a bot? As it turned out, not really. It was a retaliation for the pineapple pizza incident in Rome, where Kerr ordered a pineapple pizza, got almost assaulted by the chef and booed from the ice by the Gladiators fans later that day. In Kerr's testimony, he said:

 

„You know that famous chef who hates pineapple pizza? I think he's called Ramdon Gorsay. I was boiling some hot dogs for dinner, he busted through my door, called me a f##king donkey and an idiot sandwich, said my hot dogs are f##king raw and beat me up. Have you seen the guy? He's massive! He took me to a sort of a warehouse building with fully equiped kitchen, and I wasn't allowed to leave until I was able to de-bone whole chicken while blindfolded, perfectly fillet king salmon and cook egg 42 ways, all while berating me for liking pineapple pizza the whole time. He's relentless!“

 

When asked if he had got any warning before the incident, Kerr said: „I was finding weird stuff in my mailbox for a few days before the incident. Like a can of pineapple stabbed with a kitchen knife. I thought it's just a weird prank or something, I don't know...“

 

London fans and Kerr's teammates certainly hope the mental trauma won't affect his on-ice performance too much as the United are once again expected to be one of the strongest European teams in the league,

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But the main question remains: 'Where is the lamb sauce?'

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