In An Alternate Universe…

[aimkin 872]

Jesse Teno kicks puppies and steals candy from babies. They push old people to the ground and yell at customer service members just trying to get through the day. They are a troll online and on the ice. Jesse Teno is the most hated player in the VHL to date and there is no stopping them.

 

Teno was in more fights than any other player in high school, college, and now the VHL. For a goalie, they are quite the menace and unofficial enforcer of the London United. Get in their crease? Hope you didn’t need that knee cap. Tap their pads one too many times at a rebound attempt, guess you didn’t need those teeth after all. Teno has also been documented as the goalie with the most broken sticks not only in a season, but in a single game. During a recent 5-2 loss to Moscow, Teno was so fed up with losing to Olober Syko that they broke a stick with every goal scored against them. It’s rumored that some of the stick shards ended up in some other player’s skin like large splinters. Apparently, the equipment manager also had to run out during the 2nd intermission to go buy back-up sticks.

 

Outside of the VHL, Teno has also managed to get in some hot water with the SEC and the IRS as allegations of fraud and embezzlement have been linked towards their foundation. According to sources, while The Teno Foundation may has raised $4.2 million total, it seems that only about $1.5 million of that money has actually been spent on charitable causes. Documents and financial statements claim that nearly all of the money has been spent however investigators tell us that much of the equipment was purchased second hand. It would seem that the Teno Foundation also failed to pay many of their contractors who built and refurbished the rinks. On top of the lack of money spent on the focus of the charity, other sources have also spotted Teno driving around in not only a top-of-the-line Tesla, but a 2024 Mercedes-Benz G-Class, a Ducati Panigale V4 R, and they had also been seen at a Rolls-Royce dealership in Manhattan while on break. If these allegations prove true, then the London admins must be happy to be seeing the goalie go after this season.

It seems while investigating the above allegations against London United Goalie Jesse Teno, our offices were broken into and most of our paperwork related to the case has been stolen or destroyed. Some were found inside the office shredder. We do not know if Teno themselves did this or if it was some other bad actors protecting them, but we have brought in the FBI to investigate the break-in and theft. We are also unsure as to how anyone knew of our investigation as our work has yet to go public. No one in this publication has made any mention of it outside of the office. We believe that Teno may have someone working on the ins…

 

 

506 words for week ending 4/14/2024

Edited April 9 by aimkin

[kirbithan 1,356]

this media spot made me cackle. great read, my friend!