Laflamme 376 Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 (edited) A Stroll To The Mall The day started out wonderful. The weather was hot and the sun was shining. Pablo Escabar, Niklaus Mikealson, and Brady Stropko are heading to the Seattle mall to buy new hockey sticks. They were looking for the new Bauer Vapor Flex hockey stick, it was released today. The boys were beyond stoked for the new sticks and could not wait to start ripping shots. Brady Stropko was just tagging on for the trip, being sponsored by Bauer he will get a bunch for free. When they got to the mall it was near impossible to find a parking spot. Stropko's limo driver was finding it really hard, he was even getting mad. When they finally got into the mall , there was something bazaar about the place. There was nobody in site, the mall was empty.They looked around for a few minutes, there was nothing. Niklaus looked in a few of the stores, they were empty but things were knocked over. After about twenty minutes of looking around and looking at each other confused, they decided to start heading to the Sport Check. When Pablo walked into the store, it was exactly like all the other stores. The only difference about this store was it had a very vulgar smell. Niklaus started goofing around, he started throwing darts at a demo floor model dart board. The store put it up for customers to get more active in there store. On Niklaus' final throw he looked at Pablo and Brady with a watch this kind of look. Half way in his throwing stance he messed up and the dart flew toward the ceiling. The dart made a loud bang as it hit the ceiling, it echoed through the whole mall.Not even a minute later a few hundred zombies started running from the other side of the mall. They were all running in the same direction and all had the same destination, the Sport Check that Pablo and the boys were in. Brady right away yelled for everyone to start running like hell. The three of them were so shocked and were frozen in place for at least thirty seconds, then they ran as fast as they possibly could. They were heading for the door they came in, when all of a sudden zombies appeared out of nowhere. They were outside, banging on the glass door trying to get in. Pablo spotted a doorway leading to roof, he yelled to Brady and Niklaus to get there asses up there or else they would be screwed. They entered the stair case and immediate stuck a chair that was sitting there under the door handle. It blocked the door so the zombies could not open it or get in. When they got to the roof there was no zombies to be seen, although there was a group of four people. There was two tents set up, and they were all sitting around a camp fire eating to what looked like canned beans.The survivors noticed Pablo, Brady and Niklaus right away. The slamming door was too much to go unnoticed. They ran over right away with what looked like make shift weapons. The guys threw their hands up right away, they were ready to fight.To be continued.... Edited February 25, 2015 by Mr. Escabar Mr. Grumpy Bear 1 Link to comment https://vhlforum.com/topic/17735-claimeda-stroll-to-the-mall-final-66/ Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kendrick 4,741 Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 Devise didn't come with you? Link to comment https://vhlforum.com/topic/17735-claimeda-stroll-to-the-mall-final-66/#findComment-188567 Share on other sites More sharing options...
DollarAndADream 3,357 Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 Content: 3/3 - You hit the word count and it was an interesting read.Grammar: 2/2 - I'm not taking away any points, but any more mistakes and I would have. You need to learn how to transition a sentence after a comma. For example, at one point you write, "They looked around for a few minutes, there was nothing.". It should be, "They look around for a few minutes, AND there was nothing.". You're just missing a word there and it happens a few times throughout the article. "there was something bazaar about the place" - bizarre, not bazaar. 2 different meanings. "There was nobody in site" - sight, not site. 2 different meanings. "more active in there store." - their store. Learn your there/their/they're differences. "with a watch this kind of look" - with a "watch this" kind of look. Should have quotations. "to get there asses up there" - to get their, not there. "and immediate stuck a chair" - immediately Appearance: 1/1 - Good.Overall: 6/6 Link to comment https://vhlforum.com/topic/17735-claimeda-stroll-to-the-mall-final-66/#findComment-188626 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kendrick 4,741 Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 Claimed Link to comment https://vhlforum.com/topic/17735-claimeda-stroll-to-the-mall-final-66/#findComment-191170 Share on other sites More sharing options...
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