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Mason Still Hounded Over Numbers



NEW YORK - Despite moving on to the world of hockey after ending his military career, the past of Jack Mason continues to haunt him. Or rather, it would be if it actually was his own past that was tormenting him. Instead, the New York Americans' defender continues to battle the demons of war, the nightmarish season his team is enduring and persistent dogging over matters he knows nothing about.


"Look," exclaimed Mason angrily at a press conference. "I've seen men I've known for years die before my eyes. I've been on the receiving end of a 10-1 opening night loss, an 11-0 loss and losses by nine points at our own arena. I know horror. I know tragedy. But I know nothing about these goddamn numbers you keep asking me about!"




He's referring, of course, to the sequence of numbers hiding a secret as seen by Captain Alex Mason in the Call of Duty series of video games. During an interrogation sequence, the interrogator barks, "The numbers, Mason! What do they mean?" This question has naturally been repeated to Jack Mason hundreds of times, despite it actually occurring to an entirely different Mason: one who does not even exist.


"I wasn't around for the Cold War," bellowed Mason. "I did not tussle with any Ruskies or Chinamen or anything of the like. I don't know of any secret codes other than the one to get into my damn locker."


New York's general manager, Christopher Miller, seemed rather peeved himself when asked about Mason's trials.




"It's starting to get pretty annoying," said Miller. "I mean, all the losing is one thing, but it's another thing to see one of your players getting mercilessly badgered over something as stupid as that. It's bad enough for him to hear about it from random jackasses in the media, but to be on the ice and have opposing players keep asking him what the numbers mean? That's terrible."


Captain Bacon, a teammate in New York, seems to enjoy the situation even more than Mason's on-ice opponents.


"Are you kidding? We love messing with the guy," said Bacon, who does not appear to have actually attained the rank of captain in the Canadian military. "We'll rig up the locker room to start blaring loud voices demanding to know what the numbers are, Ugot Change will start to chase him around making random guesses at what they mean and Bossman Johnson just keeps showing his penis to Jack. It's weird, but it sure seems to bug him."




When pressed as to why they would go so far out of their way to harass and traumatize a teammate, Bacon had a plain, yet tasty answer.


"Nobody wants to be remembered as the guy with the worst plus/minus rating," said Bacon with absolutely zero hesitation. "Add to it that he's always on the ice and makes a lot of defensive miscues, messing with his head just seals his fate."


Through 34 games, Mason's -59 is good for last in the VHL. The nearest competitor? Ugot Change, with -49 and a mean streak of tormenting poor Jack Mason. It's a good thing that the VHL offers such an excellent health care and pension program, for the poor man is certainly going to need it by the time he hangs up his skates.


Jethro Novacek is a writer for the MSFL Times, because the Madden Simulation Football League will never die. He enjoys people watching, designing elaborate torture houses on the Sims and trying to train his pet lamp to curb-stomp the alphabet.

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Content: 3/3 - Thank god you keep up with these amusing pieces. Always crack up about something. Insider reports confirm that Captain Bacon is indeed a captain in the Canadian Military. God knows those pesky Canadians would respect bacon so damn much. Great work!


Grammar: 2/2 - Just one thing.


Captain Alex Mason -> captain Alex Mason
Appearance: 1/1 - GIFs!
Overall: 6/6 
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Content: 3/3 - The COD reference got a chuckle out of me. I heard that dialogue way too many times. At least Mason and the guys can keep it loose during a (very) down year. 


Grammar: 2/2 - YEAH!


Appearance: 1/1 - Solid.


Overall: 6/6


FINAL: 6/6

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