Claimed: Bonerography

[Corco 1,237]

BONER

 

Boner grew up in a small farming village outside of Brussels, Belgium. Shortly after birth, he was knighted in 14 countries (Belgium, The Netherlands, Austria, Germany, Switzerland, Denmark, Sweden, Norway, Luxembourg, Liechtenstein, France, Poland, Spain, and Portugal), and immediately deemed 'The Songbird of his Generation'. By age two, he had already gotten his first DUI, DWI, and Nobel Peace Prize (thanks to his invention of the female urinal). At age three, Boner became the youngest President of Zimbabwe in history, after winning the popular vote by 99.99% (the only vote against him was his own). At age four, he was at the center of controversy in the animal rights community, as he singlehandedly resurrected over 30 extinct species, although many viewed the methods that he used to be very unacceptable (hint: he fucked them back to life). At age five, he celebrated his birthday with no extravagant events. On his sixth birthday, Boner hit for the cycle in his first professional Korean baseball game, despite never even hearing about baseball in his life; he stumbled onto the field, drunk, after a night out with most of South Korea's sluttiest KPOP stars (nine months later Boner received numerous child support requests from the Asian Sensations. At age seven, after a falling out with his parents over the inheritance status of his family's expansive PillowPets empire, he ran away from home and began the strenuous work of a coal miner/flutist/gigolo/single-mother. When he was eight years old, he was elected King President Chancellor of the World after disarming the entire worldwide stockpile of nuclear weapons with a single, overripe banana. At age nine he beat HIV in a game of checkers via checkmate, without losing a single checker to his opponent, Vin Diesel. Three months later he celebrated his first sober three-day span since he was conceived.

 

When Bonér was eleven, a study was done on the genealogy of every child on Earth; the study found that Bonér was the father of 96.69% of them. By twelve, he had graduated magma cum louder with honors from Harvard Law, Trump University, Twin Oaks Elementary School, Yale Medical, and Princeton Business - becoming the first to do this without setting a foot on any of the campuses. At thirteen, Bonér completed the world's first dual-hand transplant...on himself. When he finally reached his fourteenth year of living, Bonér decided to die, but after finding comedic schadenfreude in the terrible career of Victory Hockey League goaltender Jax Barnstormer, he chose to keep on living for a little while in the hopes that Barnstormer's agent, JerichoHombre (Kyle Snow), would have another player as hilariously bad as Barnstormer. On his fifteenth birthday, he renounced all forms of material wealth and lived in Siberia, Ohio - really a quite average town. His return to civilization after a traveler from a land far away notified Bonér that Jericho had announced the signing of a new client (Xander Finn). With hopes that Finn's career would turn out to be even HALF as bad as Barnstormer's, Bonér immediately left his life of isolation to live in Minot, North Dakota. It was there that he spent several minutes writing New York Times Best Seller 'The Da Vinci Code'. Upon the first submission to his editor, Bonér was told to tone it down a bit in regards to the extreme amount of cough-syrup-induced metrosexual swinger parties. Never one to alter what he truly believed was beautiful, Bonér sold the rights of his masterpiece to Dan Brown, who simply removed the cough-syrup-induced metrosexual swinger parties and published the book, taking all the credit with it. On his sixteenth birthday he received his license to kill, but had it revoked after killing the entire Mormon Tabernacle Choir over a bar tab dispute.

 

During the next few weeks he became the only man to climb Mount Everest while also climbing K2. Shortly thereafter, he navigated the Antarctic and manned an exhibition through the Southern Democratic Republic of Congo supplied with only three paper clips, a can of SPAM, a Daniel Braxton rookie card, and a nine iron. The Braxton card proved to be highly valuable as toilet paper. At age seventeen, Bonér directed his first Oscar-winning stick-figure animation; of which was a short film consisting of a stick figure Wesley Kellinger masturbating into his own mouth. The film swept the entire awards lineup for three straight years, becoming the first to do so. Still riding the Oscar-winning high, on a whim, Bonér applied for a position at the fast food restaurant McDonald's; he rose through the ranks from cashier to CEO in a matter of seconds; in the process creating the McBonér, a sandwich made of fried tampons and sea kelp. By eighteen, he had completed his third symphony, set a world-record in pole vault, and had been credited with adding 214 entries in the dictionary, including 'antibiogravitationally', 'omninasalrectification', and 'purple'. Later that year, he turned down a full ride to the University of Phoenix - but got in there anyway thanks to his deep connections inside the universities treacherous money-laundering scheme based on black-market porn DVDs. After setting countrywide records in intramural Broomball, Bonér FINALLY began to see some attention from VHL scouts. Only after being assured his pick of the litter from the scout's supermodel daughters did Bonér relent and accept his offer. When he announced the date of his pre-VHL draft declaration workout, hundreds of thousands were in attendance, all witnesses to his amazing ability to tie his skates with no hands. He joins the VHLM this season as the only registered genius in the VHL and one of only two convicted felons.

[CowboyinAmerica 2,889]

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