Mirror, Mirror

[Banackock 8,049]

Mirror, Mirror

Ep 1 - February 19th to 25th 

 

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who scores the goal to win it all? What will the players goal scoring or point race look like at the end of the season? Who wins the gold - the silver - the bronze? Who hoists the cup? Do John Locke and Krigars carry on their dominance over the VHL and unleash unholy spirits named Tiki Machi and Tits McGee upon the league? Does Vernon Von Axelberry get fucked up again by the voters, going NILL for the second straight year for votes and place the magical 4th place as a nominee for best goalie? Hey Vernon, if you ain't first, you're last, buddy. Does Maximoff return from his retirement pad in Florida, take off the velcro sandals and socks and lace up the skates for Quebec and somehow, out of nowhere, make the Meute big time contenders? Every 2nd week (bi-monthly, guys), we're going to look deep as fuck into our magical mirror which William, Beketov and the rest of the blue team have hidden away at the VHL headquarters and before you say anything, we at the Autograph understand your new found frustration towards the blues. What cunts for keeping such secrets hidden behind the countless doberman's, security guards, sharks with frickin laser beams on their heads and most of all... the Chamber of Secrets all things not known in the VHL. Now, it's been a while since the magazine was a thing and I think a big part of the lower readership was the stale writing and the same old shit each and every week. With this article, I'm here to serve you and hopefully bring some form of entertainment to the readers eyes (and for Beavis, maybe somewhere else. Pants Party? Sexual harassment isn't a thing on the VHL, is it Boubabi?).

 

This weeks article won't be considered true gold, but it's a start on the right path and an introduction to what could be a very successful, enjoyable read every second week (or something that resembles the "dog" shit Higgins leaves on Kendrick's front step every Saturday morning). This week, seeing as we've already took a little stab at the Blue team with our quote about their secret orgy pad in the VHL HeadQuarters, I figured we'd continue to target them a little bit - look into the all knowing, magical and mystical mirror -and go boldly where no ones gone before and predict who, when, why and how each of our beloved commissioners will pass away. Also, I guess we didn't mention about, but we're going to do a little interaction every week with our readers. Unfortunately for these blue mother fuckers, this week we're letting YOU (the reader), YES YOU, choose how these sad little saps should biff shit and pass onto the other side. Again, 3 of the same messages have been sent off to 3 different members throughout the VHL community and y'all get to decide how these mother fuckers die! Celebrate VHL! VIVA LE REVOLUTION. All vote PunkHippe for Presidente! 

 

1.  Devise

Ha, we know what you're thinking? Kill him off? Isn't he dead already? Nah, we think he might just be semi-active or busy in life right now, but I seen him carrying out some blue team duties the other night - so maybe, just maybe, Boubabi will stop riding his ass like a porn star in heat (don't hold your breath, though). For Devise, we asked @TheLastOlympian07 (based off some random.org action) how Devise would wind up dead, and this is the crazy, kinky shit we got. Of course, we can't expect you to do all the work, so we buffed it up a bit.

 

"The day is April 22nd, 2019. Rather, we should say the night. Devise is found all alone in his upscale office in the VHL headquarters. With the lights dimmed down and everyone else gone home for the evening, Devise accidentally rubs his junk the wrong way against his desk and gets an instant boner. Hornier than a fucking toad in the Amazon, he reaches for the magazine and starts looking up some back page bitches. "$1,000 an hour? Fuck that shit" the fly on the wall in his office heard, "I can't afford that shit. Guess I'll take a drive through Tfong's neighbourhood and find myself a cheap, trampy hooker to pick up.

 

He gets into his 2011, pearl white H1 Hummer and proceeds to Tfong's neighbourhood. Reluctantly, he finds himself a true born, bruised and beaten hooker with the saggiest of titties he'd ever seen. No knocks to hookers, but this is exactly how this creepy fuck likes em. He proceeds to show her all the 5 dollar bills in his wallet and she proclaims "that'll get you a gummer baby. These bad boys pop out" as she then shows him how quickly her dentures can be taken out. Next, he takes her back to his pad on 11th ST and 21st Ave, takes her upstairs and puts on the Frozen soundtrack to lighten the mood. They both get naked, him revealing his asian sized cock and her putting him to shame as she apparently was half black. She pushes him onto the bed, throws him in an arm bar and says in an "Rocky Balboa" accent "can I suck your dick, Adrian?". She pulls down his boxer briefs, opens her mouth and slams her teeth down right on his skin python and bites the serpents head right the fuck off. She runs from the room as Devise lays there bleeding out from the pecker. Over the next 5 minutes, he was visited by the Ghost of VHL's past (mild hallucination) before passing away.

 

On 2/19/2018 at 4:24 PM, TheLastOlympian07 said:

I died from a hooker biting my dick off and bled to death

 

 

2. Beketov 

Honestly, why can I actually see this being a way that Beketov maybe dies? The guy is a hard worker and I've always liked him around the boards or on my team, but I see him still dying off second. Just because you play hours and hours of call of duty and other shooting shit, doesn't mean you're going to outlive the all mighty, powerful William. While this one is a step down from a hooker biting a cock, @Sami K has provided with some semi-beautiful gold to work with. Fuck you, Sami. 

 

"OMG, what a noob I am for posting that picture on my instagram in grade 3. Like OH MY GAWD". Yep. That's our boy Beketov, taking a shit in the early hours of this beautiful Thursday morning. However, before we continue any further, let's do a little recap shall we? Yesterday from 3 PM to 7 PM, Beketov stayed glued to his PC Screen, shooting them newbs down and tea-bagging any scrotum licker in game. KD KD KD, it's not just MacNCheese, it's a lifestyle, bro. Following his hardcore gaming session and a really hard hand fuck from himself truly to some Piper Perri video on Pornhub, he texts up his friends asking if they want to do the new "Taco Bell" challenge. They all said yes, but with one special clause: They all had to wear their Chewbacca masks they picked up at Toys R Us the day prior. When arriving, they ordered the entire challenge - 11 bean burrito's, 4 hardshell tacos, 3 quesadillas and a chocolate milk . They had a half hour to eat everything. As the time ticked and it tocked, the little wankers pummelled down the food. One by one, they slowly dropped out of the challenge though despite being cocky little fuckers earlier. 29 minutes deep into this salvage of grease and all thing heaven, Beketov took his final bite from his final piece of his hardshell taco.

 

"VICTOR NEWBS. SKELETOR669 FOR THE WIN" Beketov screams at the top of his lungs. After a little bull shitting, they start driving around and get the idea in their heads that drinking seemed fun (because typically, it is and can be). Fast forwarding because there's nothing really funny about a bunch of little wankers sipping on 4 beer and getting down right shit faced and we're back to Beketov sitting on the John, shitting his brains out (literally). Every push feels like he's on some porn video on PunishTube where a 5'2" Dominatrix named Krystal Kox spanks the fuck out of you with a piece of frozen hamburger. He's clearly in agony, yelping like a stray cat in heat, in the back alley just waiting to get fucked by some mangy beast. His mom knocks on the door and shouts "Bek, you alright in there little guy?" and shortly after she hears a pop.. The poor lad was pressing so hard he literally shit his head off. His mom ran to his father, they busted the door, to find Beketov's body upright on the toilet, a gameboy in his lamp and his head lying on the floor. 

 

 

On 2/19/2018 at 5:39 PM, Sami K said:

Attempting too take a massive shit but the amount of pressure causes your head to explode lol idek

 

3. Will

We at the Autograph love our blue team and are extremely appreciative of all that they do. After all, we each live our own lives outside of the VHL but they still find a way to come in, kick ass, and make this place run like a 2001 Chevy Cavalier. No knocks to the other two blues, but we think Will would outlast them and probably die last (this, of course, relying that his brand new pussy doesn't slay him for spending too much time on here). Luckily for Will, he doesn't bleed out from the dick or take a shit too big that it pops off his head - so he also has that going for him. William, you can thank Jonessee27 for yours, man.

 

We skip forward a few months because no one takes a fucking vacation to the Grand Canyon in the winter time (or do they? I mean shit, has to be better than Alberta right now). Will's new woman has been tugging at his balls for weeks to take her on a vacation and to shut the bitch up, he plans a trip for her. Despite his handsome wage from the VHL and side job at the local gas station in whatever maritime province he resides, he couldn't scrape up enough pennies to go somewhere worthwhile so he unfortunately planned a trip to the United States - more importantly, the Grand Canyon. Also, to her surprise, they'd be taking his 2003 Ford Focus, not a plane and his reasoning was "babe, we get to see all the amazing things along the way" but that was really bullshit. He's a cheap shit and didn't wanna spend the cash. 

 

On the trip, they stopped 71 times to shit or piss and 16 times for food. No I don't know how long it'd take to get there, so they either shit a lot or starved. I don't know. Once getting there, they were blown away by the beauty. Will managed to crack a "gaping vagina" joke which he had been saving and thinking of since the border and didn't really earn himself some brownie points. The two hiked along side the edges, looking down at the beauty before they got the idea to go down into the valley or down the gaping hole. They looked for ways down but couldn't find one so they decided to find their own trail (little did they know, another 78.32 ft up and there was a sign with a designated trail). Will, being the beautiful hero he is, said he'd go first. The first couple steps went beautiful and then all of a sudden rocks started to chip away from the edge. He looks up at girlfriend, Tanya, and says "I love you baby, see you at the bottom". Moments after, the ledge started to give out faster and faster before the piece he was holding onto crumbled and fell. Down went William. He drops 75" and lands on a small ledge, puncturing his lungs, breaking all his ribs and his arms and legs. As he screams in agony with a bunch of cuss words "cock, fuck, shit, higgins", the echo causes the small edge to crack and break. Down went William. This time, easily a 600 foot drop and despite some thinking the drop would be quick, anxiety or something must have hit him. Time slowed down, he gathered his thoughts and remembering the first initial slam down onto the hard surface. He closed his eyes, pictured his girlfriend laying on the sandy beach, sipping on some fruity drink that only Mexican's would serve, tits popping out and rubbing her... and fucking SPLAT. Will face fucks the another bottom ledge, this time much thicker than the other and completely flat lines. 

 

And there he laid. For eternity. His body never leaving, never found but that's okay because the it's still a beautiful site. Legend now has it, from time to time you can still hear the scream of his ghost echoing among the canyons "cock, fuck, shit, higgins". 

 

 

On 2/19/2018 at 11:44 PM, Jonessee27 said:

Getting too close to the edge of the Grand Canyon, rocks give away, and you fall about 75’ initially before you hit first, you break all your ribs, puncture a lung, break your leg, and an arm, but you immediately just bounce off that first impact and fall about 600 more feet thinking about the entire thing and seeing that ledge you fell from getting smaller and smaller before you finally hit again and die instantly. You’ll spend eternity there because our body will never be found, but that’s okay because despite your death, it’s still a beautiful site. 

 

THE END

 

 

 

 

 

Claimable for:

Forsberg

Feb 19 - 25

Feb 26 - March 4

March 5 - 11

March 12th to 18th

Edited February 21, 2018 by Banackock

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