Claimed:Guns Don’t Kill People, People Being Subjected To Edwin Encarnacion Whilst Holding a Gun Do

[Tagger 2,722]

 

In a bold move that surprised many involved with the VHL, the Cologne Express signed former baseball star Edwin Encarnacion to a three year extension, which will (barring a trade or premature release from his contract) see the former baseball star play in Germany through till the end of the VHL’s 40^th season. While many politicians are worried that the thought of being subjected to Edwin Encarnacion for a minimum of 4 years could lead to suicide attempts rising in the local area, there are a select few fans that have come together to praise the new General Manager Alexander Schneider on the move. We were invited to the team’s head office to speak with Schneider as to why he made the move

 

 

“Simply put, prior to signing Edwin to his extension, we didn’t really have an identity set for this year. We have some really great players here in Cologne, but we don’t have enough to challenge the likes of Toronto and Seattle for the VHL Championship. We also have been lucky with our draft selections and we have acquired a great crop of rookies, but they aren’t yet good enough to head straight up to the VHL. So, what do we do for this year? That was the question we had to ask ourselves, because realistically we aren’t winning the championship, plus going out in the first playoff round won’t really help us in the upcoming draft. So we made a decision and that was to re-sign Encarnacion to a long-term deal. Edwin has a special ability that not many players around the league have, that is the ability to make everyone around him worse. If you need someone to lose you a hockey game, you don’t need to resort to underhanded and shady tactics. All you need is to look to Edwin, tell him to play his natural game and boom, you’ve lost by six or seven goals. Re-signing Edwin has meant that we can lose effectively without having to give up our star players, which in turn puts us in a position to keep drafting the very best players in the draft. Once we acquire enough talent that we believe that we can actually win the VHL Championship, we combine our young prospects with our star veterans and simply bench Encarnacion.”

 

Now that the reason for the re-signing of Encarnacion has been made clear, one thing has been made clear. Alexander Schneider is a genius. But what does Edwin Encarnacion think about his role at Cologne? Well, let’s just say he doesn’t…

 

 

“Yeah, man, nahmsayin’? When I was told by the General Manager man that he wanted a guy to lead the future of hockeyball in Cologne, I was psyched nahmsayin’? That’s why I found the nearest pen and signed that shit dog! Well, that and the fact that times have been kinda tough recently, nahmsayin’? Like these guys at Riga and Seattle man, they gave me paychecks man, and that was cool and all, but then when I burnt em I realised, shit that’s my money, nahmsayin’? Kinda been livin’ on very little at the minute as a consequence, but the good man Schneider sent the pay to my bank account and I was delighted nahmsayin’? No more burnin’ up my wage man! But yeah, then I burnt down the bank it’s in, turns out they ain’t too cool with that man. So hopefully they see reason man, it sounds promising though, nahmsayin’? Like they said my account would be “permanently suspended”, I dunno what that means but it sounds like things are looking up man!”

[Doomsday 4,130]

Content: 3/3 - Encarnacion rules, quite possibly the most entertaining player in the VHL today. I look forward to all of your articles and you turned in another masterpiece this week. Please keep them coming!

 

Grammar: 2/2 - Pretty good, just two little errors I caught:

 

play in Germany through till the end = play in Germany through/till (one or the other) the end

been made clear. Alexander Schneider is a genius. = been made clear: Alexander Schneider is a genius.

 

Appearance: 1/1 - FIST PUMP!

 

Overall: 6/6 - GREAT SUCCESS!

[Smarch 3,153]

Claimed