Ryszard Franciszek [Under Review]

[ItssYoBoiDaLegend 13]

Hello, I am Ryszard Franciszek.  I am from Moscow, Russia.

Defenseman for the San Diego Marlins, I am a big body love to get into physicality side of the game. I am 6"6 230 pounds. I have turned myself into a Defensive monster, but also being able to get involved in the offense at times when needed. 

Offense - Offensive Capabilities, I like shooting from the point. When I can get a slap shot in I like get the slap shots in on goal. I pinched the boards to help out my wingers who don't have enough support and lose the puck in the O-Zone.

Defense - I play a spacing defense. I put emphasis on using my stick to knock pucks away from the opponent. I love using my big body to knock guys off the puck. I like playing pucks on the boards behind the net to get my presents into the game. 

Checking - Physicality is a big part of my game to knock players off the puck. I love using the body to knock player off pucks on the boards, and in open ice. 

Discipline - I am undisciplined at times, I get into some anger issues, which I am working on, but I will be working my hardest on it as long as possible.

Skating - My skating ability is a working progress, for now I will be working on my offense and defense, but my skating will also be a key piece I will be working on. 

Strength - Huge part of my game, I use my brute force to knock players off of pucks, and hopefully get into positions I need on the ice.

Defensive Player Type 2-way Defenseman who is tall, big body, and strong who can chip in on offense while being a Shutdown Defenseman. I hope to be going up the tables in full, we will see by the end of the season where I end up. I am hoping to be a 150 TPE player by the time, or maybe even more when draft comes up.

Puck Handling/Passing - Both are going to be a key piece in my training each week, and hopefully I can do the best of my abilities.

Leadership - I am working to become top in Leadership on the ice, I like where this team is heading, and it seems like they needed someone of my talents to lead a team, and hopefully I can provide necessary knowledge. My ability to know how to build the player that works for what player architype is big, I know how to do it pretty decently I know what to look to improve by looking at my player stats, and everything in between. Most important thing to me is being a good person in the locker room, being a positive guy for guys to be around, and hopefully we can end up winning some hockey Games here in San Diego, but also looking forward to joining in VHL team. I have no preferences, and I will leave it up to my Manager to decide if I am the right fit for the team or not.

[HenrikZoiderberg 469]

Review:

 

First off, let's take a look at your voice and audience. This is supposed to be a scout reporting on a player to potential GM's. You've written it from the first-person perspective of the player in question. 

 

As for the style guide, take a look here:

"A title, a picture(s), and perhaps some bolding and/or headings should be included."

I don't see any of the three in this.

 

You've added a brief summary, which is great, but the report could use a conclusion as well.

 

As for the individual strengths and weaknesses, they're a bit of a mess. First, separate them out using appropriate headers to deliniate which is which. Next off, the content is weak at best. Here's an example:

 

On 5/15/2019 at 8:48 AM, ItssYoBoiDaLegend said:

Discipline - I am undisciplined at times, I get into some anger issues, which I am working on, but I will be working my hardest on it as long as possible.

 

It's fine to say that your player is weak at something. It's not okay to say "I'll work on it" with no other explanation or history as to why your player struggles in this area or how and why they intend to improve. 

 

If it was up to me I'd reject this one until a second pass was done. I can't tell if this is low effort or just poor execution.

[DollarAndADream 3,356]

@ItssYoBoiDaLegend

I will echo a lot of what Zoiderberg said. This needs a lot of tidying. There's no headings of any sort, or any kind of separation. Should be at least 1 picture in there as well.