On Ice Down Under: The History of Australian Hockey Part 1

[DoktorFunk 810]

This book is an attempt at being factual and faithful to Australian culture and history. I’ve rigorously scoured books and spoken to as many Australian hockey players as I know so this may be complete and comprehensive. Thanks to Berocka Sundqvist for his input, as I’m sure he’s provided accurate information. I hope you all find it as interesting as I did.

 

Scott Greene

On Ice Down Under

The History of Australian Hockey

 

It all started in the year 1560. England was in turmoil because of the formation of a league of upper class aristocrats, the Bogans. Bogans we infiltrating parliament and overall changing the country, but the King was worried that they would become too powerful, so he sent all of them on a voyage to find a new game that could unify the country. He outfitted the Bogans with many ships and staves to defend themselves. And so, the Bogans set off to the South Pacific, the only region known for it’s mysterious and undiscovered games in the world at the time. 

 

After sailing for months with only warm beer to sustain them, the Bogans finally touched down on an icy continent, what would become known as Australia, which means “sacred land” in the Bogan language. They settled on the northern coast and named their first city “Perth.” This city was soon abandoned for being trash, overall. They walked many miles across the frozen wasteland and founded their second city on the western coast named Sydney, after the wife and daughter of the leader of the Bogans, Jack Jameson. 

 

Jack Jameson led the Bogans to settle down in Sydney, and all was well for a time. Beer was drank. Babies were had. Kangaroos were boxed. All was well. Sydney was relatively warm for the frozen continent, but presented a problem. With the many trees around the city, the citizens were frequently under attack by what the locals called “drop bears.” Drop bears would rain down from the frozen trees and maul those under them if the Bogans refused to pray to the drop bear gods. The worship of the drop bear gods involved sliding a frozen fruit across one of the numerous frozen ponds into a hole at the end of it. The drop bears would compete with each other, and the one who could put the fruit in the hole was considered the most holy. 

 

Soon, the Bogans came to worship the drop bear gods and participated in cross-special games against the drop bears in this prototypical version of modern ice hockey played in the VHL, using the staves they had brought for defense as sticks to whack the fruit. This is why the Sydney hockey team is named “The Sydney Drop Bears” to this day. While playing with the drop bears, tensions between the two began to ease, and the two races soon became friends. Bogan holy men started taking the arduous task of making sure the fruit made it into the ice hole, and became the prototype for the modern referee. 

 

Many generations pass.

 

The year is 1790. The Bogans have divided into many different classes of their own, and founded several other cities. With the invention of ice skates, it became possible for the people to skate from one side of the continent to the other very quickly. The classes divided, however, because of the distance between the cities, and a class system was born. The Bogans, who were closest with the drop bears, became the religious leaders. The Dundees, who were the hole guarders in the game of Proto-hockey, became the warrior class. And the normal, everyday people began to be called Dingos, after the animals they frequently trained to hunt for food in the frozen wastes. The different cities that were founded (Perth was repopulated but abandoned again because it was garbage) became divided amongst the castes. Sydney remained a bastion of the Bogans. Melbourne became a Dundee city, named after the famous Dundee, Melvin Bourne. Adelaide was the Dingo city, and remains the only city to maintain a 100% Dingo population to this day.

 

Needless to say, this caused a lot of tension. Soon, cities would compete for the drop bears favor, and they started massacring the population of the bears for some reason, a reason that is still unclear to this day. The massacres continued, with some of the Dundees taking the side of the drop bears. They would come to be the modern inhabitants of Perth, after interbreeding with the drop bears. 

 

After the drop bears were all dead in the rest of the country, they had to compete against each other. Forming prototypical teams that resemble how they are today, they competed in these games. The Bogans had the Sydney Drop Bears, the Dundees had the Melbourne Manhandlers, and Adelaide had the Adelaide No Names, because they couldn’t think of anything good enough. Then somehow, the religion that the game was based around died out and the games became more about drinking and fighting. An early hockey league, called the Bogan Hockey League, or BHL, was formed, and still exists as the primary means for settling disputes in the country to this day. 

 

All was very well again. The Australian colonists met with the native human population and learned many things from them, including (list discoveries here). However, the continent soon started to change. The Australians soon found themselves embroiled in a war with the local kangaroo population and the continent started to heat up as a result of the excessive use of nuclear weapons by the kangaroos against the Australians. Perth was nuked repeatedly. The Australians banded together and formed a unified country, one that could combat the rising tide of kangaroos. The Australians all met in the middle of the outback for one final game against the kangaroos. If they won the hockey game, then the Roos would have to live in the ocean from now on. The kangaroo leader, Kangaroo Jack, faced off against Australia's best player, Ivan McIvan.

 

After a close game, the kangaroos were vanquished, and peace returned to the continent. But, much has changed. The kangaroo nukes had warmed up the continent, and the once plentiful ice was melted. Soon, hockey was played indoors on rinks that were normally kept to keep beer in cold storage. 

 

Flash forward to the early 1900s. Australia was still a very warm continent, but that was about to change even more. A new threat was on the horizon, and one that would change the continent forever. The Emus were here. 

 

 

_________________________

 

1071 words, claiming for weeks 6/29 and 7/5. Look forward to part 2!

[Gustav 6,149]

50 minutes ago, DoktorFunk said:

spoken to as many Australian hockey players as I know

I mean...technically not wrong I guess?

[DoktorFunk 810]

Clamming for second week

[Berocka 2,210]

I can't believe I only found this now. This is incredible and surprisingly accurate. Not really...