Kosmo Kramerev - Junior Review

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Kosmo Kramerev has been something of an enigma in Eastern European hockey for years now, making it difficult to project his future professional career. Seasons aborted part way through for legal trouble, an extended absence for a honeymoon in Bermuda, an extended absence for a heated divorce and what is believed to be two years of fighting both for and against pro-Russia militias have all created massive interruptions to his hockey career.

 

The above picture is believed to be from Kramerev's bachelor party before the second of three marriages, taken in Kiev.

 

Further frustrating any evaluation of his on-ice performance is his participation exclusively in new start up leagues, all of them believed to be financed from his own personal fortune, and none of them existing for longer than two seasons.  I will do my best to summarize what is known of each season of Kramerev's Junior career.

2013 - Minsk - THL - Tops Hockey League

Following a case of mistaken identity paired up with the dubious strategy of hiring a chess master as a hockey coach, Kramerev began his hockey career in a team of by American janitor Larry Kasparov. Kramerev excelled with the puck, but his focus on the defensive zone was questionable at best, resulting in a league leading 35 goals in 40 games, as well as a -30 on the season. The THL did not track assists. Kasparov noted that Kramerev was the fastest skater he had ever coached.

2014 - Minsk - THL

Kramerev came out of the gate like a horse on fire, notching five goals in three games before spending the next eight months in prison for multiple murders, only securing his release when the true killer stuck again. During Kramerev's imprisonment, the THL found its funding had dried up and the league folded after its second season.

 

2015 - San Francisco - NHL - NASA Hockey League

Founded out of a desire to start a hockey league for astronauts, the NHL played only one game before the league and Kramerev himself were sued by NASA and the National Hockey League. No goals were scored during this game, due to the league mandate that players wear space suits. Kramerev was ejected in the second period for spitting a mint in the face of an official.

There is no record of Kramerev's location during 2016 and 2017, but unsubstantiated reports place him in multiple paramilitary groups in Eastern Ukraine.

2018- Moscow - PHL - Postal Hockey League

Founded in honor of hardworking postal workers, Kramerev started strong, posting 3 goals and five assists in ten games prior to meeting a desk chair model in Krakow and wedding overnight, before taking an extended leave of absence in Bermuda. He would return for the season finale, scoring a hat trick, but failing to reach the playoffs.

2019 - Moscow - PHL

Kramerev struggled from the outset, notching only one assist in five games, citing personal problems. This would prove to be true as he would spend the remainder of the season in Paris completing complicated divorce proceedings due to conflicting prenuptial agreements.

 

Scouts are impressed with Kramerev's smooth, fast skating and confidence carrying the puck, but for obvious reasons, his standing as a prospect is dubious.