There's No Flame

[IamMOOSE 361]

It’s been a struggle this season in the VHL. I’ve struggled to stay active, communicate in chat, even look at the league stats overall. I did start a new job in January so obviously some time has been devoted to that but I know that isn’t it. It’s the passion. It’s the drive to cap every week, to appear on a podcast, to write an article, submit a graphic. We’re midway through this regular season and I feel like a ghost of my own making.

 

After last season I felt I had no place in the VHL anymore. I was frustrated, I was angry, I still am in some ways. I’ve done a lot of damage to my reputation in this league and whatever side you fall on that doesn’t matter any more than anything I could say about it. It is what it is. I came back with the idea that I would finish out my contract in Vancouver and see what to do from there. That’s still my goal but frankly I’m struggling.

 

Since returning to the league I’ve drifted, trying to find some thread that I could latch onto and maybe rebuild that player and member that was a positive member of this community and it’s nowhere. No thread, nothing uplifting, no comfort. I’ve spoken out to some friends in the league about how uncomfortable it’s been to try and almost reintegrate into being a regular member again and it’s been uncomfortable. That’s the word, uncomfortable. I’ve felt out of place in every situation, from my old home in the Vegas LR to feeling almost excommunicated from San Diego, to even my teammates in Vancouver. And that’s not a run at anyone or any team. It’s internal. I can’t seem to get to a place where I can be a part of the room again so I just check to see if King did anything in the games and evaporate into the walls as if I were never there.

 

I’ll be finishing my final season in the EFL much the same way. Unlike the VHL, I honestly haven’t really tried to be a part of that league since I capped. The VHL is hockey, it’s meant to be where I want to be, surrounded by others who have a passion for the sport and I can feel comfortable. I don’t and it’s on me and I know that. I don’t know where that spark can come from though, where to reignite the fuse on my passion for the VHL. I don’t know what to do.

[Beketov 9,025]

1 minute ago, IamMOOSE said:

I’ve done a lot of damage to my reputation in this league and whatever side you fall on that doesn’t matter any more than anything I could say about it.

FWIW in my experience in this league people often think their own reputation is worse than it is. There’s very little people can do to really damage it long term for most members. The odd person might hold a mistake over your head but most forgive pretty quickly.

 

You said some things you shouldn’t have and we’re punished for it, that’s it, the end. There’s no reason to beat yourself up and think that people hold you at some lower status.

[mediocrepony 1,216]

hey dude. I haven't been in this situation exactly, but with tpe. Most weeks for a while, i just talked. didn't earn at all. there just wasn't that meaning to it for a while. I'm sure it's different for you, but maybe just give it a little time. idk. this probably hasn't helped, but I hope you find that spark. (it might be gustav)

Edited February 5, 2021 by GrittyIsKing09