Claimed:Something's Stinky in Helsinki [6/6]

Harumpf's Hockey Pants a Cause for Concern

Oskars Harumpf's soiled hockey pants, which he refuses to wash to due superstition.

In what is now a well documented story, located HERE, Harumpf sharted his hockey pants during a recent game then racked up 2 assists in a Titan's victory. It's great that Helsinki got the win, but the problem is that Harumpf is a very superstitious player and now refuses to wash his hockey pants. The smell of dried shart is making things very stinky in Helsinki.

Everyone knows of Harumpf's superstitions from last season when he won the cup in Bratislava and put up 164 points. Nobody questioned his methods and the team even embraced them, because whatever Harumpf was doing was obviously working. Helsinki has embraced his superstitions as well as they've had a great season and are right there in the mix for 1st place. They did not question him when he sacrificed a chicken before the last game vs. Riga, but this time Harumpf may have gone too far. Playing with soiled hockey pants has made things downright unbearable in the Helsinki locker room and also on the bench. Granted the pungent smell keeps opposing players from wanting to hit Harumpf, but it's also hurting his own team.

King Czar has the locker next to Harumpf and the smell of his sharted hockey pants was so bad before last game that Czar got sick and puked in James Faraday's skate. On the other side of Harumpf's locker is Don Draper and he's been having migraine headaches from the stench coming from Harumpf's pants. Something has to give here or the Titan's may all get sick from this. Nobody wants to sit next to Harumpf on the bench either as his smell is atrocious. Harumpf says he will not wash his hockey pants until he goes 2 games without putting up a point. We spoke with him after last game, here's what he had to say.

Media: Harumpf, what the heck is going on with your pants, why don't you wash them? You're making everyone sick. James Faraday just hurled in a garbage can.

Harumpf: Faraday's got a weak stomach, he needs to man up, I sprayed my stuff with febreeze, I don't smell anything.

Media: Did you have your olfactory glands burned off as s kid or something? One of our reporters just passed out from the smell.

Harumpf: Alright alright, I know my stuff stinks, but if I'm putting up points I just can't wash it, I feel like I'd wash the good karma off and we'd go on a losing streak. We need to win the division and I'm prepared to do whatever it takes to win.

Media: Even if that means skating with dried shit in your pants?

Harumpf: Yes, whatever it takes. I want that division title.

Media: Ok we have to leave now, this is hopeless, our camera guy just puked in his mouth.

Harumpf: See ya.

Well there you have it folks, Oskars Harumpf will do whatever it takes to win. Some may question his methods and he may be making his teammates sick, but if the Titans win the division, it will all be worth it. As we left the locker room we heard Harumpf's linemates James Faraday and Tyson Stokes whispering something about stealing Harumpf's pants and washing them, but we can't be certain as to what will happen. The repercussions of this could be severe. This is obviously a developing story.

[575 Words]

Note: I realize Shart is not a word, but for the humor of the article it needed to be included. 

I heard James Faraday actually has a scat fetish.

Grammar 0/2 - Shart is not a word.

Only kidding....

Content 3/3 - I can't believe you just made me enjoy an article about hockey pants with dried up feces in them..... Well played my friend. Well played.

Grammar 2/2 -

in the Helsinki locker room and also on the bench --> in the Helsinki locker room and on the bench  (the also part is redundant)

febreeze --> Febreze (spelt wrong and it should be capitalized because it's the name of a brand)

Appearance 1/1 - Can't complain. I <3 pictures with italics under them.

Final: 6/6

Claimed