Breaking Down Team Europe - Part 2
Welcome back to part two of the thrilling two-part series on Team Europe. We are 4 games into the round robin (and potentially 6 by the time I post this) and we still have half the team to talk about. Let’s dive straight into it and continue with the Forwards:
Forward Power:
If there’s one thing to watch for with this team, it will be its second-line center, Sean Blacker - @frescoelmo. Blacker has a knack for getting himself into trouble, and his parents must be goddamn prophets, because they couldn’t have picked a better surname for him. “Black-eye”, as he is known around the league, is his nickname because clearly Sean takes his last name too seriously. Every time he goes out he tries to act “Blacker”. It didn't work the first time and it didn’t work the 249th time, with a similar result of getting punched in the face. He’ll walk into a bar obnoxiously, ask where his homies are, and then things just get worse from there on. You can fill in the blanks from there. Hopefully, this won’t be a problem in Switzerland.
Next up on the roster is LeAndre St. Pierre, an actual black man - @atw2592. This guy, aside from being a talented hockey player, for some reason will not socialize with Sean Blacker. LeAndre started off his career as an aspiring UFC fighter. With a name like St. Pierre, it kind of made sense, until he realized he took a punch about as well as a bulimic girl in a wheelchair. Since then, he’s found his calling.
Defensemen:
Well, what can we say about Team Europe’s defenders? There’s four of them, and unfortunately for the rest of the team, 3 of them are brothers. We have Phil, Jeff, and David Hamilton, three poncy, pompous, snot-nosed, little English breadsticks - @Knight @sterling. These are the types of lads who will start a towel fight in the showers and then the moment their victims start fighting back will use the towel as a white flag, making whimpering, squealing noises, not unlike an aardvark which is being mounted by a rhinoceros. However as majestic as these Brits are, they still play hard. This is due to the “gladiator effect” whereby as soon as they don protective equipment they believe themselves to be invincible. This caused a lot of problems for Jeff but ironically was also the solution.
When Jeff is not playing hockey, he spends time in Saskatchewan. Nobody knows why, as no one wants anything to do with Saskatchewan. He was having trouble with the local natives coming onto his property and took a swing at one of them, who immediately roundhouse kicked Jeff in the balls. Jeff ran away crying, but within 10 minutes he came out fully equipped in his hockey gear (sans skates) and clubbed the natives back into the forest. Considering the natives had tomahawks, that could have gone very poorly but all’s well that ends. Luckily, there will be no Natives in Switzerland to worry about.
Then we have stevo a.k.a. World B Free - @stevo. This libertarian believes that the World liquor supply should be accessible to all and flow freely, and he’ll have no problem exfoliating his worldly views all over the bar counter. What Team Europe will need to watch for is that Free actually turns up to games sober, as the liquor here is astronomically cheaper than back in his homeland, and thus more aligned with his views. Expect him to take full advantage of that and make sure that he doesn’t die of happiness/alcohol intoxication and Europe will be fine.
Substitutes:
Finally, Team Europe, in its infinite wisdom and progressiveness, is the first World Cup team in history to bring substitutes along with them. Two forwards and one defender. We’ll only talk about the two important ones: Elijah Don’trun and Max von Holdenthedoorforme - @Paramorise @RomanesEuntDomus
Both will for the most part, do their best furniture impersonations but should have more than one use, like a hotel futon. The coaching staff have decided to be kind to them because soon, they realized, these two will be an integral part of the team.
Conclusion
All in all, it should be a decent tournament for Team Europe. That is if Wingate (@CowboyinAmerica) manages to show up in the right country, if Muller (@TheLastOlympian07) doesn’t ditch the team to try out for FC Basil, if Ravenwing (@der meister) can stop reciting Shakespeare off a balcony to Kohler (@Kendrick), who will be in a bizarre hat (which as it would happen, actually suits the Shakespearian era), if Blacker doesn’t get shot for being himself, if Humbert (@Mr. Power) can be slightly better than mediocre, if St. Pierre doesn’t take a hit, if the Hamilton brothers don’t start a towel fight with a bunch brownie girls, and if World isn’t intoxicated throughout the entire tournament… but what’s the likelihood of all of those things happening, right?
Right?
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