Groovy Dood Goes Home

[bigAL 2,176]

Life before the VHL was fun.

 

Eight seasons after he left the North Ontario Bush Whackin' League, Groovy Dood returns a hero to visit his old team, the Hicksville Darts. 

 

When he got there, the team couldn't wait to catch The Dood up on what he missed while he was in the pros. Eight seasons is a long time, and Dood wasn't able to get direct flights from DC to Hicksville so he didn't go home. Clearly, he missed out on a lot. Groovy always missed the small-town when he was in the big city. The hicks and the skids were all grown up into full time farmers and taller skids. His wild hippy family was all still in Mountie custody, likely sent to the Arctic work camps to mine gold. Bob, Gord, Doug, and the rest of the hockey team must've had success and fun, because they were so excited to show Groovy the trophy case in the rink.

 

Standing in front of the trophy case, Groovy's jaw hit the floor when he read the names:

 

• The Groovy Dood Trophy, the championship trophy of the NOBWL 
• The Groovy Dood Title, won by the leading point scorer 
• The Groovy Dood Award, awarded to the Most Valuable Player of the league
• The Groovy Dood Golden Gloves, awarded to the player with the most fight wins
• The Groovy Dood Crown, won by the leading goal scorer
• The Groovy Dood Star, won by the overall champion of the league All-Star game
• The Groovy Dood Spirit Award, awarded to the league's "nicest dude" and community involvement
• The Groovy Dood Smokey BBQ, awarded to the league's best post-game party meal cook, as voted on by the players
• The Groovy Dood Disco Ball, awarded to the league's grooviest dood, as voted on by the media
• The Groovy Dood Dood Yvoorg, awarded to the league's best two-way forward

 

Groovy was in awe. Slowly, a small grin, a big smirk, and a beaming smile crept across his face. It was nice to be appreciated.

 

Not that it was any surprise. Groovy Dood was far and away the greatest player in league history. His slick hands, smooth skating, and actual effort to put the puck in the other team's net made him a star. Groovy was a guy who won everything in the league: he could single-handedly carry any team to a championship; he could win any title he wanted at will, as he proved when he won the Golden Gloves in 2016-17; and he was so damn groovy off the ice that his adopted hometown worshipped him.

 

And that was all before he went to the VHL.

 

The prodigal son has returned. And the locals were PUMPED.

 

After taking his moment with the shiny trophies, Groovy took a step back into the lobby. The denim warriors and sickest-flow-bros swarmed him.

 

Groovy was excited to catch up with the bois. He had a lot of questions about life in Northern Ontario, about the direction of the league, about those fucking jerks from the Renfrew Dingleberries. 

 

Before he could formulate words, a floating hand shot up at the end of a camouflaged jacket sleeve in the back row of the scrum:

 

"So Groovy... what were the bathrooms like in the VHL dressing rooms?"

"Groovy, Groovy, over here. How good were the free hotdogs in the post-game meal?"

"Man, which teammate of yours hacked the most darts in the intermissions?"

 

Classic questions from the Darts. They weren't interested in the fame or glory, or what it was like playing with superstars. They wanted to know who wrapped their knuckles before a big game, and who had the sweetest Hot Wheels collection. They wanted to know what time room service went until in the big fancy city hotels. They wanted to know how you decided who was bringing the post-game pints. Groovy was happy to be out of the spotlight and celebrity circles, and back home in Hicksville.

"Hey Doug. The Dragon's Den had the craziest shitters you've ever seen. Once I became captain, I got to re-design the bathroom and it was excellent. The IRON THRONE was reserved for the post-game MVP to take his customary post-game dump. The thing was so uncomfortable and cold, but you felt like such a badass. Stinking up the locker room from your regal perch was a way to assert your authority as the team's MVP. Any time we were playing someone real soft like Warsaw, I'd make sure to have a nice big bowl of moose chili before the game, because I planned on getting four goals and the Iron Throne. It was awesome."

 

"The visitors' bathrooms were terrible because they always try to mess with you psychologically when you're at your physically weakest. One team put only urinals in the dressing room. Not having the team pre-game poop sesh really messed us up the first time it happened. After that L, we decided we were having that warm-up morale boost whether they wanted us to or not. We won big that night, and the tradition continued ever since."

 

So yeah Doug, if you ever get to tour a VHL locker room, always make sure to get a look into the bathrooms."

 

The boys were hanging off every word, mouths on the floor, eyes bugging out of their heads. They were so excited, so impressed, so in awe of the legends and the stories he was telling. They drooled over the post-game hotdogs in Calgary. They wanted to know everything they could about Xavier Laflamant's doggo. They asked so many questions about the league's best hunters. The questions kept coming and coming and coming.

 

"Sorry Gord, Doug, Bob, I don't have time for any more questions. Thanks for getting me reacclimatized to the NOBWL, but I've got to run. I've got a meeting with head office," he said with a twinkle in his eye.

 

Groovy left the Big Red Barn feeling excited for his future in Hicksville. This town was his home. The hippies back home at the commune were all gone. His birthplace was nothing but a graveyard of fallen-down tents, hammocks tied to one tree, and weeded over hemp fields. The hippy commune was dead, and so Hickville was home now.

 

 

He didn't have to work anymore, he was filthy rich and set for life, but Groovy Dood really wanted to stay involved in hockey.

 

Groovy Dood marched into the Northern Ontario Bush Whackin' League head offices, ready to ask if the wanted a new commissioner...

 

[BOOM 8,473]

I tried searching for "Groovy" and "home" but couldn't find anything. I'm sorry that I couldn't read your article. 

[bigAL 2,176]

Claiming it again

 

oof jk I outsmarted myself and already updated this week 

Edited October 26, 2021 by bigAL

[bigAL 2,176]

One last claim for the ol Doodmeister