Hybrid Attributes and You: The New Meta

[Mongoose87 371]

Hybrid Attributes and You: The New Meta

 

OR

 

How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Clap Bombs

 

It's in the news everywhere. CNN. The Washington Post. The BBC. The Atlantic. Vanity Fair. Rolling Stone. Better Homes and Gardens.

 

That's right: Hybrid Attributes. Simon T has made passing so pathetic that without intervention, it will get gangrene and fall off. Rather than raise a measly $500 000 and hire a small company to develop their own simulator, with logic and a less obnoxious creator (if you don't believe me, look at anything Simon T has ever said on his forums), Head Office has decided to implement a total restructuring of the attributes that you, the taxpayer, can spend your hard-earned TPE. It's a classic case of government overreach, just like public schools, the EPA, the IRS and driver's licenses. What's next - a license to make toast in your own damn toaster?

 

Unfortunately, for strong, liberty-oriented men like you and me, the voters have become so accustomed to suckling on the government teat, that this injustice is unlikely to be reverted any time soon. With that in mind, here is a guide to building a strong, masculine player to dominate the bleeding hearts on the ice and the scoreboard.

 

Underlying Attributes to Maximize

Faceoffs - There is no greater flex than literally winning every faceoff. Imagine the dismay on your opponent's face when he knows in his bleeding heart that you are going to begin every play with possession. Every time you skate into the circle, you cooly slide that puck on back to your defense with as much ease as a bowel movement, at least if you're eating Mongoose87 brand Testosterone Prunes (link in the signature). What? You don't play center? Center is a man's position, get the hell out of my guide.

 

Strength - When I played in beer league, my muscles were literally too big. I had to order custom sized pads in order to fit them over my chest and arms. As a result, anyone who came near me ended up on their ass, and I kept the damn puck. Even after I was expelled from the league, because three goalies elbowed in the head is supposedly too much to be a series of accidents, I kept the damn puck. All the damn pucks. I grabbed the bag and ran, and my best friend owns the only sporting goods store in town, so now those chumps have to order their pucks online. Imagine having a hockey league and not being able to buy pucks! What a bunch of chumps.

 

What was my point? Just be fucking strong.

 

Penalty Shot - Any guy with the kind of strength and masculinity you're going to have if you follow this guide (and eat your Mongoose87 Testosterone Prunes, don't forget, link in the signature) is going to draw a lot of penalties, stick infractions to be specific. Don't be surprised if every Tom, Dick and Harry is constantly looking for the chance to sneak their stick into your skates, or break your custom shop synthetic stick with a quick slash. It comes with the territory, kid. They're jealous of us and they can't even pull themselves up by the own bootstraps and become real hockey players. As a result, expect to lead the league in penalty shots every year.

 

For most players, penalty shots are pretty well a toss up. Not for us. Scoring 70% or more on penalty shots is a major power move.

 

Puck Handling - I know what you're thinking - this is for soft Russians who would rather do ballet on ice than throw a check. I don't dispute that. However, as we already discussed, passing is like deliberately contracting the clap, and the doctor tells me I'm in serious trouble if I get that again. That means you're going to possess the puck. A lot. (Side note for any men currently going through a divorce make sure you only possess the puck physically, not legally. My ex-wife didn't get a single one of my pucks in the settlement.) Unless you want to dump and chase like some kind of socialist, you're going to carry the puck everywhere, like a man who values his rights.

 

Shooting - The truest of power moves is the slap shot. Its mere sound intimidates lesser males. I use a slap shot any chance I get. I don't give a shit about league rules, I'm winding that shit up and clapping it. I even introduced the slap shot to my baseball league, a first in sporting history.

 

Underlying Attributes to Avoid

Skating - As we established you're going to be big, strong and constantly in possession of the puck. Then, I ask you, why are you wasting your pressure bodily fluids sweating from skating hard? That's half a step away from dump and chase, you commie. We put our work in before we step in the ice, by bulking and eating plenty of Mongoose87 Testosterone Prunes (link in the signature). We don't need to skate fast or hard. We're already hard.

 

Defense - You're already possessing the puck off of every faceoff. You're never getting knocked off the puck. You're clapping huge bombs that score every time - when they don't slash you and give you an easy penalty shot. So, tell me, why should you waste what little TPE you have, after the greedy taxman has snatched a cut, on learning something you're never going to use? Just stay the hell away from this money pit.

 

Leadership - Real leaders lead by example and by putting weak chumps in their place. If your teammates are looking to you for a brave speech, tell them to shut up and eat their prunes. If watching your muscle-bound ass score at will isn't enough to inspire them, they're a lost cause.

 

Passing - Imagine you're on an Alaskan cruise. You've just been given your last warning for using one of the ten firearms you exercised your right to smuggle aboard to shoot whales. Your heartless bitch of a wife is spending every waking moment with that Italian Pilates instructor. You've been banned from the casino for setting up a competing roulette wheel at the pool (so much for the free market). There's been a recall on the mussels and the kitchen staff will not let you exercise your right to ignore that recall. You've broken into the kitchen at 2:00am and fried up your own batch, just to show them. Twenty minutes later, you're puking up the mussels, your whisky and the emergency gold nugget you swallow, just in case. That's passing.

 

High Priority Hybrid Attributes to Focus On

Slap Shot - This one is a no brainer. Two of my favorite attributes, in one place - this is gold. Pump this one sky high.

 

Wrist Shot - Scoring and penalty shot, perfect. Though I am leery of the prospect of taking a wrist shot, instead of a manly slap shot, you can't discount how important it is to raise your Penalty Shot rating.

 

Faceoffs - This one is another gold bar, boosting both Faceoffs and Strength. This might be the most masculine Hybrid Attribute there is. I'm giving this attribute my Mongoose87 Golden Prune award for manliness. If you have TPE, get it in here.

 

Deals With the Devil - Hybrid Attributes That Mostly Increase Good Attributes

 

Stick Handling and Deking - I know what you're thinking. These increase Skating and Defense, two of the attributes I specifically told you weren't worth your time. However, if we ignore my concerns and use math (despite being invented by Isaac Newton, a British virgin), we discover that they increase Stick Handling three and two times as much. So, like me ignoring that the AK-47s I purchased were invented and manufactured by damned communists, we ignore the downsides to get our guns.

 

Offensive Vision - I hate to recommend anything that increases passing so much. It's like finding out your Mongoose87 Testosterone Prunes have been switched out for a batch of bad mussels spiked with a heavy dose of a sedative, so that your wife's lawyer can secure your gold bars, preventing you from hiding them before the divorce proceedings. It's that bad. But if you're going to get your scoring high enough to clap serious bombs, you're just going to have to eat those mussels. My advice? Make yourself puke right afterwards.

 

Stick Checking - This one just barely made it on here, just like I can barely stand to show a driver's licence issued by the illegitimate tyrants at the MTO. But, if you want to be so the strongest man on the ice, sometimes you have to suck it up and present that disgusting little piece of plastic.

 

Hybrid Attributes to Avoid

Passing - Passing ruined football and it will ruin you. This pointless hybrid attribute only increases that underlying plague. Stay the hell away, bub!

 

Speed - A hybrid attribute that only increases skating? Why not just burn all of your money? At least that will keep your house warm. Don't ask to get gangrene.

 

Poise - A tiny bit of leadership and a lot of discipline. Discipline is for pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and for painstaking painting tiny models of the Army of Northern Virginia. Not for hockey. Real men show dominance on the ice, not restraint. You already know what I think of leadership.

 

Defensive Coverage - This attribute increases Defense and Skating, two attributes so putrid, I'm surprised Head Office's nanny state hasn't banned them, yet. Invest in this if you want to be the kind of guy that guys like me run over. On the ice, I mean.

 

 

There it is, folks. With this keen advice, before you know it, they'll be looking for reasons to nerf these new stats. Remember, they're constantly looking for reasons to put successful men like you and me down. That's what the government is there for.

 

 And while we're here, stop banking TPE for regression. You can't trust banks with your hard earned money. Invest in gold. 

 

WORD COUNT: 1664

Claiming for: Weeks ending March 20, March 27, April 3

[Daniel Janser 1,983]

disappointed that I could not find the link to the Mongoose87 brand Testosterone Prunes...

[Hoopydog 195]

Absolutely love this piece that you've written. You do a good job of making the hybrid attributes funny by referring to your little anecdotes but also make some good suggestions of which stats are good and which ones you should avoid. You'd made good use of headings and space it all quite well which makes this really easy to read. Good job! 9/10

[Shindigs 1,771]

Clearly the most alpha way possible to build a player. Though I do wonder, why was there no Body checking or Grit involved? They seemed to go hand in hand with the theme.

[Mongoose87 371]

Claiming 2/3

[Mongoose87 371]

Claiming 3/3