How Simon Himself FISTED ANALLY BY A CIRCUS MONKEY Riga

[tcookie 678]

In the sports lexicon, usually one would be considered FISTED ANALLY BY A CIRCUS MONKEY when a lesser-worthy candidate receives some sort of award or recognition ahead of them. It's generally used in an individual context. But in a more macro point of view, can an entire team be FISTED ANALLY BY A CIRCUS MONKEY? What if a brilliant plan and incredibly talented group of players simply never managed to put things together well enough to get rewarded? In the late S70s, a team was assembled that, by all means, could have done much more. Should have done much more. But, whether it was something just not quite done right by the players themselves, by their management, or perhaps just divine intervention from Simon himself, one potential dynasty turned into an abject failure.

 

The S75 VHL Entry Draft was, by far, the deepest pool of incoming players that the VHL had ever seen. It would ultimately go on for 7 rounds, seeing 112 players selected. Matthew A Sovick Jr. was selected 106th overall and would go on to become the lowest-selected player to ever play VHL games, playing 42 games as a backup for Riga. On draft day, Sovick had earned 120 TPE (four other 7th rounders had also eclipsed the 100 TPE mark). VHL drafts since have tended to have three or four rounds, with 100 TPE players usually being long gone by the final round.

 

In the midst of an impressive playoff streak, the Riga Reign, headed by Hall of Fame GM Benjamin Zeptenbergs, opted to blow up his team and take advantage of the stacked draft class to set his team up for what should have became a fresh six or seven year window to compete for Continental Cups. The Reign ended up with five first rounders, four second rounders, and 19 total picks.

 

The Reign came out of the S75 draft with an embarrassment of riches in the prospect pool. They selected Miami Marauders teammates Cabe McJake and Addison McLaren with the 7th and 8th overall picks, added Dolant Fertitta, Joe Kelly, and Sirkants Klamasteris with their remaining first rounders. While Fertitta and Kelly eventually flamed out, McJake, McLaren, and Klamasteris easily had franchise-player-level talent. In the second round, the Reign unearthed Justin Lose, Linus Zetterstrom, and Artair McCloud - three players who would go on to score a combined 1450 VHL points in 1440 VHL games. Third rounder Isau DaMoose enjoyed a long, successful, point-per-game VHL career of his own. Within the first 38 picks of one single entry draft, Riga had assembled enough high-end talent to fill almost three-quarters of a VHL roster with quality players.

 

A theoretically pretty good haul for the first 38 picks of one single draft, right?

 

The still-rebuilding Reign went 29-38-5 in S75, prior to most of those draft picks even making their VHL debuts. As we entered S76, Riga's top prospects were called up en masse, creating a talented young roster that figured to contend for a playoff spot, even if they were probably not ready to seriously contend. The Reign were a consensus future powerhouse, and the future was about to begin. Expectations were high both in and out of the locker room. When the puck dropped on S76, the HC Davos Dynamo blew Riga out of the water by an 8-3 final score. Then, more losses: 4-3 to Moscow, 7-1 to Seattle, 5-4 to Helsinki ... they continued to pile up. It was an 0-7-1 start to what was supposed to be a promising season. Eventually, things began to stabilize slightly and the Reign put together a strong enough finish to sneak into the final playoff spot in the European Conference with a 32-34-6 record. They would go on to win one playoff game, unceremoniously dumped by Prague as they were outscored 14-7 in the series.

 

But it was early. This was a team of guys with six more years left in their careers - there would be no reason to give up on them now. And with another year of experience behind them, this squad was getting to a point where they could - should - be able to hang with the VHL's best. As if watching cruel reruns of S76, the Reign jumped out of the gates to a record of ... 2-10-1 through 13 games?? After crawling back into the playoff picture by mid-season, the Reign endured a 2-9-2 stretch that sent them back to the bottom of the standings. A traded deadline acquisition of Ray Sheilds brought a little bit of hope, a little bit of success, but the Reign would finish one point out of the playoffs at 29-35-8.

 

Nevertheless, optimism continued. These guys were young. They were far too talented to be this bad for this long - they had to be! It defied logic. S78 began with the same high hopes... this was the year. The puck dropped on S78 and... a familiar, horrible, painful song began to play. Seven games into the season, the Reign were 0-5-2. After fighting back to win 7 of their next 11 games, they embarked on a 2-7-2 stretch that left them 9-15-5... near the bottom of the EU once again. The cracks in Riga's foundation had grown too far to be mended, and Addison McLaren found himself sent off to Toronto shortly afterwards. Eventually, Klamasteris was also moved. The Reign, for no logical reason, missed the playoffs once again. How could we ever have gotten here?

 

The stars of the S79 Riga Reign roster were McJake, DaMoose, McCloud, and Lose up front, with Zetterstrom on the back end. Jolly Greene Giant gave them a #1 defenseman - another S75 pick, acquired in the trade for McLaren. Matt thunder and Jan Hlozek rounded out the big names. It was, once again, a team that was plenty good enough to compete on paper. But the dark cloud hanging over this team was becoming impossible to ignore. In S79, the script played in reverse. Riga won 11 of their first 14 games. They finally made the playoffs, finishing third in the EU at 37-30-5. Instead of digging themselves a hole and being unable to climb out of it, it was a sense of doom cast by a 5-8-2 finish that hung over their playoff hopes. The Reign were outscored 23-14 by Warsaw in a five-game first round series.

 

The Riga Reign team built in the S75 was cursed. It was the only explanation fans could come up with as they started S80 well, then watched their beloved team fall into a 4-13-1 spiral that took them out of the playoff race. The S80 Reign actually won 12 of their last 16 games, but it wasn't enough to overcome the immediately-preceeding 9-game losing skid and they missed the playoffs by 5 points. For all the talent assembled, they could never get out of their own way. Their inconsistency was unparalleled, inevitably falling into 15, 20 game slumps on a yearly basis where they played like the worst team in the league. The S81 Reign, unsurprisingly, missed the playoffs. In his first season in Seattle, Justin Lose would score 72 goals and 142 points in one of the single best seasons in recent VHL history.

 

And then came S82, the final season in the careers of all S75 draftees. By now, the Reign had pretty much cleansed themselves of their cursed S75 class - only DaMoose and Zetterstrom remained. And with the curse mostly exorcised, this is what we got:

 

S82 standings & playoffs

 

S83 standings & playoffs

 

The collection of players and talent assembled in the S75 draft by Riga will go down, on paper, as one of the biggest hauls any team has ever pulled off. And yet, what it took for Riga to return to their place among the league powerhouses... was for them to go away.

 

This team, this core ... they were simply cursed by destiny to be FISTED ANALLY BY A CIRCUS MONKEY.

 

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My apologies to anyone who was involved in these dark days along with me. I'm sure you didn't want to relive them. It completely boggles my mind that we didn't achieve any success at all.

1300ish words

[tcookie 678]

claim for week 2/2 (I assume this is OK even with theme week because of the word count?? sorry if not)

[jacobcarson877 2,076]

10 minutes ago, tcookie said:

claim for week 2/2 (I assume this is OK even with theme week because of the word count?? sorry if not)

yup you're fine, you just obviously don't get the doubles week again