Claimed:Encarnacion Threatens League History, League History Brings Flamethrower [Final: 6/6]

[Tagger 2,722]

ARGH! KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IT!

 

Just when we thought we were finally getting close to being able to close the book on the VHL’s horrid Encarnacion chapter, we were dealt with the horrifying news that the former baseball superstar intended to play for the full eight seasons allowed in the VHL. In short, that means that we still have two more years of woeful hockey play to endure. Fuck.

 

Perhaps the most worrying aspect of this decision though is that despite being unquestionably the worst hockey player to ever skate (if you can call spending half the game on your backside “skating” that is) on a VHL rink, Encarnacion is actually getting dangerously close to becoming historically relevant, something that the VHL will look to prevent at all costs. For the most part, Encarnacion will at least not be close to making an impact on the statistics that matter, like points and assists for example. However, as it currently stands, Encarnacion currently ranks in the top ten in all-time penalty minutes, in the top twenty in all-time hits and in the top thirty in all-time shots blocked, and this is still with the Dominican having two full seasons to play before he hangs up the cleats. Should Encarnacion continue on the pace that he has already set to this point, he is on course to end his career in second place in all-time penalty minutes and third place in both the all-time rankings for hits and shots blocked. Even MORE concerning for the VHL is that Encarnacion is apparently actively seeking to join a weaker team when he enters free agency in this upcoming off-season, which would see his stats in these categories be even greater.

 

An artist's depiction of a thoroughly burnt Edwin Encarnacion

 

Luckily however, it sounds like the VHL are fully prepared should a situation arise where Encarnacion threatens to lead the league in a statistical category. A statement made by the Board of Governors read as follows:

 

“Should the unfortunate situation arise where our worst hockey player in history threatens our integrity, we have come up with a counter measure to ensure that his fullest potential is not reached. When Encarnacion reaches a point where he has just ten games remaining in his career, we will set him on fire. Should he be capable to play hockey in such a state, he is more than welcome to do so, however, we feel confident that this will be enough to stop him from attaining any league records. If it’s clear that Encarnacion will not be able to challenge for any records when it comes down to his final ten games, we’ll still set him on fire because fuck that guy.”

 

Because Edwin Encarnacion is incapable of reading, he is not aware yet of this plan, however when we asked him about his career winding down, he had this to say:

 

“Oh man, it’s been a hella ride, nahmsayin’? It’s been, what, six years now? Lemme tell ya, I have ripped the shit out of the collective VHL anus since I came, nahmsayin’? Stuff that was considered unbreakable, man I came in and just stood on that shit like it was dog shit, nahmsayin’? Like I’m not sayin’ I’m gonna be considered the greatest of all-time when I leave, but what I’m sayin’ is that, when I eventually leave, they’ll be sayin’ I was the greatest ever, nahmsayin’? I’m like Jesus, man. We both admired, we both drove hybrids, we both set the world on FIRE, man! LEGIT SHIT SON! But it ain’t over till it’s over nahmsayin’? And these two seasons, I’ll be comin’ for the records, I’ll be comin’ for the PIMs, I’ll be comin’ for Tom Fucking Pussy Slaughter, I’ll be comin’ man, WATCH ME!”

 

In other news, after the internet documented a story on how a high school hockey player deliberately racked up more penalties so he could masturbate in the penalty box, the VHL has launched a similar investigation into Encarnacion’s “infatuation” with the penalty box.

 

[Da Trifecta 1,896]

Content: 3/3 Encarnacion seems like he really just wants to start a new revolution. Much like a dictator, he has his ways and tries to implement them. Hopefully he don't get torched because he is needed.

Grammar: 2/2 Few things

Appearance: 1/1

 

Final: 6/6

 

sayin' -> saying (x2)

[Kesler 1,514]

Claimed