Youre Not Fucking Retiring Biography

[twists 408]

Youre Not Fucking Retiring Biography

 

This tale begins during the start of Season 94 of the Victory Hockey League. Eric Queefson was signed as a free agent to the Warsaw Predators. He was completely unaware of this signing and only found out when he returned to the VHL from his hiatus. @N0HBDY was excited for Queefson to come back to the VHL after spending some time in the VHL Player Assistance Program but was adamantly against Queefson retiring at the end of the season. Queefson was highly confident that he would be retiring after this year's playoffs run, and thus he enacted a plan. Queefson met with the best scientists from around the world and proposed his plan. He would create a test tube clone of himself while increasing the athletic ability of his successor. The scientists gathered Queefson's DNA and worked night and day for a week straight improving all aspects of it. They created a virtually perfect athlete for the VHL. After the DNA was successfully created, it was moved into a stasis chamber for accelerated growth. Within one day an embryo was formed, and within one week the clone had uttered its first words: "You're not fucking retiring". This was a phrase that was commonly said to Queefson as he tried to talk to N0h about retiring. This is how the scientists knew that the cloning process had been successful. The clone had memories from Queefson's past himself. Since the clone was now a fully formed baby, Queefson and the scientists debated names for the child. Many typical names were thrown around, such as Adam, Harry, and Hunter, but none of them were chosen. Queefson remarked, "What if we just named him his first words? That way N0h will never be able to forget that I retired directly to his face and against his wishes". All of the scientists nodded in agreement and thus a name was chosen. Youre Not Fucking Retiring. There were approximately 2 months before the trade deadline (when Queefson would retire), and that meant the scientists had to increase the growth speed even further. Within another week Retiring was able to put on skates and take his first steps on the ice. 

 

Upon stepping on the ice, Retiring had the abilities of a professional ice skater and blew away even the most aggressive of data models the scientists had put together. He was performing so highly at the ripe age of only 5 years old. The next day the scientists set up nets and gave Retiring pads, a stick, and a puck. They watched in amazement as he immediately understood the game of hockey and started peppering the goals with high-quality shots. After some more studying, the scientists asked Retiring to return to his stasis chamber for another period of accelerated growth. The scientists had gathered all footage of every VHL game played to date. They accelerated the clips to only last two weeks in total length and projected them into the chamber itself. Over the next two weeks Retired thrashed violently and aged 5 more years. Upon opening the chamber, Retired was quoted saying "I'm gonna hit a massive celly after I clap a biscuit bar down eh". The scientists and Queefson cheered in success. It was time to get Retiring some formal hockey training. Over the next two weeks of real-time, Retiring was coached 18 hours a day by VHL greats such as Mac Atlas, Leonard Triller, and Mark Calaway. Upon completion of his training, the only thing the coaches had to say was that Retired didn't have the physical maturity needed to make it in the VHL. For what they hoped was the last time, the scientists and Queefson asked Retired to get back into the stasis chamber. The scientists turned up their accelerated growth to the max, and Retiring was left inside until the trade deadline. 

 

On the day of the trade deadline Retiring was released from the chamber. Queefson came to visit his son to make sure he was in tip-top condition before he fully committed to retiring. Retiring was the ripe age of 21 years old, the perfect age for entering the VHL. Once again the coaches took Retiring out onto the ice and ran him through 18 more hours of training. The coaches reported that he had a higher ceiling than the three of them combined and decided their job was done. It was then that Queefson made his retirement official. Directly after the retirement announcement of his father, Retiring signed a contract with the San Diego Marlins for the remainder of the season.

 

Will Youre Not Fucking Retiring become the best VHLer the world has ever seen? Atlas, Triller, Callaway, Queefson, and the scientists who helped them certainly think so. We will just have to wait and see!

 

Players mentioned: @v.2  @Triller @Beketov

[Triller 1,659]

Mark my words, Triller would know after what he saw, this player will need to be forcibly dragged off the ice while screaming, "I got a wicked head of lettuce and a beauty of a slapper, eh?" before they ever retire!  This player goes all the way 100% and there is no way they would make me look like a fool for believing that!

[mattyIceman 1,213]

Man this is really a thing now...