Claimed:Encarnacion Considering His Options After VHL And Everyone Wants Him Dead [Final 6/6]

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While we would usually wish players the best in their future endeavours when they eventually hang up their skates for the last time in their career, I think it’s fair to say that a lot of us are just hoping that Edwin Encarnacion gets run over by a tank as soon as he retires. Actually, scrap that, I hope somebody runs Encarnacion over with a tank right now, but that’s another story for another time. The story for now is that Encarnacion is mercifully set to retire from the VHL after what will have been eight horrendous seasons on the ice. Naturally Edwin has been thinking about what he wants to do once he leaves hockey and, as it turns out, he doesn’t have any intention of ending his sports career as he has made plans to participate in both football and soccer in the near future. If he does go on to become both a football and soccer player, Edwin will become the first five-sport “superstar” in history.

 

INTEGRITY!

 

Understandably, the soccer world wants absolutely nothing to do with Encarnacion after his horrible stints in both hockey and basketball. We talked to FIFA chairman Sepp Blatter about the possibility of the Dominican becoming a soccer player and he told us this:

 

“Well, let me make it absolutely clear that Mr. Encarnacion will not even get close to becoming a football player while I govern it, and we will be working extensively with Mitch Higgins of the VHL to make sure that we have an Encarnacion-free soccer universe.  Since I became FIFA Chairman in 1998, I have worked fervently to protect the integrity of soccer and I will simply not allow this moron the opportunity to ruin football for its billions of fans worldwide. Although I have to admit I am in the need of a fifteenth bedroom for my mansion, so if he wants to pay for the construction of that, I’m more than happy to let him in.”

 

This man wants Encarnacion in his league. Yes, he's terrible at his job.

 

In addition to Blatter’s views, we were able to get a hold of Roger Goodell, the Commissioner of the  National Football League, to get his reaction to Edwin’s plans:

 

“For the last eight years, we’ve been fed reports as to the effect that Edwin Encarnacion has had on the game of hockey and we are delighted to say that, once he hangs up his skates, Edwin will be welcomed with open arms to the National Football League. I mean, have you seen the amount of goalie sacks he’s racked up in the VHL? He’s an absolute machine! Begrudgingly, we do acknowledge that Encarnacion has had problems with the law in the past. But, considering the incredible talent that Encarnacion possesses, we are more than happy to wipe the slate clean when he enters the NFL.”

 

Well, at least Encarnacion will be able to join a sport that will finally appreciate his presence. Quite frankly, I think every single VHL fan is hoping that Encarnacion considers an early retirement from hockey, if they haven’t already commandeered a tank in order to get rid of him altogether.

[DollarAndADream 3,357]

Content: 3/3 - Over 500 words. Everything looks good on that front, and it made for an interesting piece.

Grammar: 2/2 - Everything is pretty damn perfect here. Nothing I could note of.

Appearance: 1/1 - There's enough pictures and the layout looks great.

Overall: 6/6

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