Claimed:Archer [Reviewed]

[Tixe 20]

The Life and Times of Sterling Archer

 

 

Early Life 

 

Sterling Mallory Archer, a man named after the sterling silver rattle given to his mother by his valet, Woodhouse, back when he was a bar man. According to the story, he received it from a clapped our Arab whore in exchange for a pint. 

 

Growing up, Archer believed his father to have passed away when he was three years old, but as it turns out his mother lied, a common occurrence when it comes to Archers father. Throughout his life he has searched for his biological father, eventually coming to realize that it could be one of a few prominent people in the spying industry, Russian Nikolai Jakov, rival organization O.D.I.N.'s head, Len Trexler, or could possibly be the jazz drummer, Buddy Rich.  His mother later revealed the possibility of an Italian activist whom could also be Archers father. 

 

During his school years, he was sent to boarding school for his entire primary and secondary education, amounting in a total of fifteen years, showing his mothers distance from him and the cause of their strained relationship.

 

He excelled at lacrosse, being offered a scholarship to John Hopkins University, however this was not to be as he would be the victim of gunshot wound and would not be able to play. He later attended and graduated from Georgetown University. 

 

 

Post Graduate 

 

He began working for his mother, a retired spy, from a young age and became a top spy in the organization, with the codename "Duchess" alongside fellow agent Lana Kane with whom he had a relationship, that eventually went south due to an affair. 

Upon learning the possibility of Nikolai Jakov as his father, he traveled to Russia only to be captured by the KGB, where Mallory hired Barry Dylan to track him down, he succeeded in escape aided by Russian spymaster Katya Kasanova, who would later die in self sacrifice to prevent a cyborg Barry Dylan from killing him. 

 

Distraught, he went to French Polynesia where he tried to escape the spy lifestyle only to be tracked down at his mothers request by a former ISIS agent, Rip Riply, before they themselves had to be rescued by Lana and Ray due to their capture by pirates. After Mallory is insulted by Archer, he is forced to escape on his own via helicopter. 

 

After the FBI shuts down ISIS due to not having any sanction to perform espionage, they attempt to find buyers for a large quantity of cocaine they have on hand so they can all retire early. Later on Mallory succeeds in an affiliation deal with the CIA, resulting in the reformation of ISIS. He also finds out shortly thereafter that Lana had used in vitro from semen he had stored and is the father of her baby. 

 

As a result, he went to Thailand, furious that she did so but finally came home after a mission that send him to Borneo. His last assignment was to be shrunken down to microscopic size and destroy a clot in a brilliant scientists brain. They succeed but expand the ship inside the doctor, killing him in the process. 

 

 

Foray into Hockey

 

 

Now jobless, as they are disavowed by the CIA, they wonder where money would come from in the time being. Archer, decided due to his background in lacrosse and to piss off his mother, that he would play professional hockey for a living. Joining the East Coast Western Hockey League, where he amassed one goal and two assists to go along with fourteen hundred and ninety four penalty minutes for a league record, as well as setting two more, one for his complete and under futilty while firing the puck, having scored only once on over six hundred shots on net and for firing six hundred shots on net in a single season, records which have not even had anyone close to reaching them, the nearest being eight hundred penalty minutes and four hundred and nineteen shots by Pam Poovey, his former coworker who has shown much more talent, amassing an incredible forty goals with no assists, deemed the "Bull Cannon" due to her farming background and the rocket of a shot none are willing to stand in front. The emergence of her as a start saw Archer stumble. 

 

Over the following two seasons, he scored two more assists and added over two thousand penalty minutes for infractions ranging from tazing, chokeholds, assaulting referees. assaulting teammates, drinking on the ice, drinking on the bench, drinking in the locker room, drinking in the shower, drinking on the plane, drinking on the bus, drinking on the toilet, drinking while dressing, drinking while undressing, drinking during practice, drinking during team meetings, drinking before, during, and after charity events, drinking during training camp, drinking during training, drinking during drills, drinking during team building trips, drinking during family day, drinking during the off season and drinking while giving a press conference. Learning he was overage to play in the ECWHL, he continued to drink only more, stating "There is not enough alcohol for this" and bedding many gorgeous women. When Lana learned of his return to his previous ways, she dumped him, entering a relationship with cyborg Barry Dylan, Archers former teammate and arch-rival. This saddened Cyril who has forever wanted Lana back, becoming a mopey mess and causing Archer to drink further whenever around his former co-workers. After scoring two goals in a single game without taking any penalty minutes, he gained the notice of many GMs, mainly in the VHLM.

 

 

THE VHLM 

 

He was then called upon to join the Yukon Rush, a minor league team in the Victory Hockey League system, with Season Forty Nine underway, the coaching staff look towards him for his leadership, to stop drinking so heavily and to learn how to shoot the puck and skate. 

 

With training camp upcoming, we could see improvement because if not, the coach said he would be in a zone filled with danger of being sent back to the ECWHL, a very dangerous place to be, if his play in the offensive zone did not improve. However he was offered the possibility to plug a hole (phrasing) on the fourth line if needed as a grinder, what happens next will have to wait til next time. 

 

Archer, out. 

[CowboyinAmerica 2,841]

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Review:

Nice article! still mad that you became active once i traded you. That's a nice rundown of Archer for ya! lol. Sad to see that Archer's lacrosse career took a turn for the worst, but its good to know that he was able to find a role on a hockey team as the top pairing alcoholic.

 

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