Claimed:VHL Christmas Party

[Will 4,662]

VHL Christmas Party

 

It's a night like no other. With a guest list even more exclusive than the the annual awards ceremony, the VHL Christmas Party is one of the most coveted events of the holiday season. Held each year at the main VHL Headquarters on Bloor Street in Toronto, the gathering brings players, team management, league officials, special guests, and a whole host of politicians and A-list celebrities together under one roof for a night of celebration and reflection on the past year. The event is not usually open to press but this year one reporter, me, from the CBC was allowed inside to witness the spectacle.

 

 

The evening began like every other year - outside, with a red carpet leading into the building and seemingly endless stream of black Town Car's dispensing the distinguished guests who walked the carpet into the building as the flashes of cameras kept the cold, dark air lit up. This used to be as far as reporting on the evening went. Once inside there was a period of mingling while the guests got drinks from the open bar and proceeded to the ballroom to get situated in their designated seats. 

 

League Commissioner Shaw was first to step to the podium at the front of the large hall, where he spoke very briefly to welcome everyone and introduce the first speaker of the night - former Commissioner and now league counsel, Victor Alfredsson. It became quite clear early on that the general theme of these events is a mix of seriousness and light-hearted jokes as Alfredsson took the opportunity to deliver many jabs to players, specifically the latest crop of VHLM rookies. His speech lasted about 15 minutes before he decreed that it was time for him to get another drink and eat some food.

 

Prime Rib with a red wine demi-glace, served with a side of truffled mashed potatoes and glazed carrots. Dinner was served, drinks were poured. During the dinner portion of the evening there was a video display on the projector screen at the front of the room which showcased some of the highlights over the past year and reflected on the history of the league, namely an overview of the VHL Builder wing of the hall of fame and the story of those inducted. The night would pick up steam after this.

 

Following dessert, league simmer and drunkard Jardy Bunclewirth took the stage. He delivered an impassioned speech about what he refers to as the two true wonders of the world - hockey and alcohol. He also used his moment in the spotlight to steamroll each of the 10 VHL GM's with witty insults for each. The room was in stitches, save for Calgary GM eaglesfan who is known to be somewhat sensitive. 

 

 

Conveniently it was eaglesfan himself who next took the mic, though he never did respond to Bunclewirth's remarks. Instead, he talked about Ahma, one of the more interesting guests in attendance, and pondered publicly whether or not Ahma has yet located the missing pet lizard that drove him the league some seasons ago. Judging by the expression on his face, it was apparent the lizard has not been recovered. Eaglesfan also issued something of a farewell, as it is rumored this will be his last season as the manager of Calgary.

 

Phil Knight was next. Visibly intoxicated, it took Knight several minutes to calm the crowd that was basking him in a never-ending applause. Eventually he did and in true Phil Knight fashion, he thanked everyone for their contributions to the league and went through every person in the room individually to wish them Merry Christmas. He even got to me, the lowly journalist in the back corner of the hall! These individual wishes took almost an hour to complete.

 

By this time the room has gotten increasingly loud as the people in it have gotten increasingly drunk. Highlights of this include Shawn Muller tripping and falling as he tried to get to the bathroom, Commissioner Higgins spilling an entire margarita down the shirt of Sterling, and head VHL referee Herb Dean was bottled by former player Edwin Reencarnacion who proclaimed 'Goalies are never off-limits, you scumbag!', apparently in reference to the many penalties delivered to Reencarnacion by Dean for his infamous goalie-sacks. 

 

 

Once Dean got himself cleaned up and returned to his seat, the festivities continued with Mitch Higgins taking the podium. In a very Trump-esque speech in which he referred to countless people as 'loser [insert name here]' and used the phrase 'Sad!' many times, Higgins decried corruption in the league and claimed he was going to drain the swamp and place a 20% increase on the salary cap hit of any player born outside of Canada, the U.S., or the U.K. It is unclear how this would affect players represented by Higgins' own agency, Jacob, who hails from an Island in the South Pacific. I should note he wasn't talking about a 20% increase in those players salaries - just a 20% increase to their cap hit. 

 

Fittingly, the next guest was a surprise appearance by failed presidential candidate Crooked Hillary Clinton, who declared her next endeavor would be to shatter a glass ceiling one way or another by becoming the first female commissioner of a major sports league. She did not indicate which sports league. 

 

There were a few more appearances at the front of the room but by this point many people were passed out at their seats. There was reportedly a group of players including Aleksi Koponen, Unassisted and Bobby Digital that were engaging in cocaine use in the bathroom stall. It can be safely assumed that Sir William Covington III, the world record holder for most days lived consuming only cocaine, was also involved. The night was beginning to wind down. Some of the more composed guests left, the aforementioned sleepers continued sleeping, and some were spotted sneaking off to other parts of the building.

 

The night was a success and far too much went on to cover in this article. It was a unique peak into the world of the VHL beyond the ice surface, and an opportunity to see sides of people usually shrouded in professionalism. 

[Will 4,662]

Fucking hell, 1000 words, definitely claiming this as two. =) 

[BluObieZ 1,125]

SWC3 was for sure part of that group

[Kendrick 4,741]

Hilary already commissioned a league, it was the USFL.

[Jericho 917]

Claimed

[Will 4,662]

2 minutes ago, Jericho said:

Claimed

 

CORRECTION: 1/2 CLAIMED 

 

 

[Jericho 917]

Just now, Will said:

 

CORRECTION: 1/2 CLAIMED 

 

 

 

The button just makes the post say that! TEACH YOUR MULTI HOW TO ADD!