Claimed: My future

[BluObieZ 1,125]

Before last weeks shocking and gut punching turn of events I thought I had V2A, Ko Kane and 3rd player left in my tank before I would hang up the VHL skates for good. But now I had to retire Covington due to him maxing out on seasons. He was gonna hit 800TPE but I was not able to hit that number because of what happened and due to my 112hr work weeks I was working before it all went down. When I was retiring SWC3 i wanted and tried to go out in what people expect of me but I honestly did not have it in me. I had no drive to be me, i had no drive to tell the massive stories that I am known for. It was a lame retirement and I left it up to the reader to come up with how it would have gone down in their opinion. 

 

To be honest I have been losing interest for a while. I had a few show ideas that I wrote every week then they disappeared, not because I lost interest in the stories but because I lost interest in writing 1700-2500 word PT's. TPE means shit in the real world, lets be honest. Would you write a 2000+ word PT every week just for 6 measly TPE? I think not! So after I stopped doing those I tried the whole 2 podcast bit for a while but I grew bored of that pretty quickly and now do none (Tonight I will have one). The truth is that the age of the ego and the asshole that is me is coming to an end. I do not have the drive anymore to be who you know me as. Sure I had that whole refusing to trade debacle like 2 weeks ago or some shit but I was going through a ton in my life and this was before we lost the baby.

 

But now we have lost the baby and my wife is actually taking it better than me. She has her sisters and her mother to talk to. I have no one to talk to about it because all my friends and people that I surround myself with are like me and we bottle up shit. How I deal with grief is by burying myself in work and going to the gym to take aggression. It is a horrible feeling to lose a baby. I actually cannot stand the sound of a baby crying but now if i see a baby and hear it crying it makes me wonder how she would have looked and how she would have sounded. Things that I will never know. We said early on that if it was a girl we would name her after my sister who i lost on 9/11 so in a way I lost my sister again. Which hurts doubly as much. Right now I find myself trying to find ways to keep my mind off it all and sadly VHL actually helps with me taking my mind off things and focusing on my amazing VHLM team and my goalie V2A. I will not be as active as I was, I may not even make Ko Kane anymore. I just care less now then I already did in the past. Online shit is fake. Real Life shit hurts when it happens. I did not wish whatever happened to me on anyone. I'm an asshole but not that big of an asshole.

 

So there you have it, in the many years i've been here i've made it a mission of mine to find personal shit on people and use it against them. Now you know what is going on in my real life. Do what you may with the info I really honestly just don't give a fuck. I'll stick it out with V2A do my weekly points but probably not much beyond that. Luckily running a VHLM team does not require much effort. Which is good because I honestly just feel... broken 

Edited May 8, 2017 by BobertZ

[Frank 5,259]

Sorry for your loss. 

[NotAVHLM-GM 1,858]

If you ever need someone to talk to just shoot me a message, even though its just text, it can make you feel better if you need to vent a bit. 

Take care man, I'm glad I never had to be in your shoes for a situation like this.

[STZ 5,389]

Sorry to hear man, can't even imagine what you're goin through.