Shawn Brodeur - The Shame of Davos [1/2]

[BluObieZ 1,125]

If you think this is going to be a puff piece then you are sadly mistaken. Sure TLO is my “friend” and I don’t want to make fun of him too much… Wait a minute, YES I DO! This will not be written by “Nice Robbie” this is the normal asshole you all know and love… to hate. So let me get started.

 

To start the season Davos was expected to be the championship favorite and things took a hard slice right from there. Why? Well I have a theory and it starts in net. Shawn Brodeur, sure he is 3^rd in the league with wins. Only because he plays for the 3^rd “best team” His Save Percentage is just horrible at 0.909 which puts him in 5^th best. Two goalies on shittier teams have a better Save Percentage. His GAA is not outright bad but could be better at 2.38.

 

Now why do I point all that out? Because my theory is the Shawn is pretty much thinking about retiring and gave up on bettering himself. His agent a man that just lives on a whim and has an attention span of a peanut. Probably was distracted by a butterfly as his client said he was giving up. Thus brought on the beginning of the end of Shawn being one of the best goalies in the league.

 

While his team mates would go “GTL” (Yes a Jersey Shore reference and no I do not watch) Shawn rather now be seen at the local burger joint in Davos that claims to have 100 different burgers. He is on a mission to eat all these burgers. Not only once but enough times to taste every spice every ingredient. You see, his new life goal is to become a food critic. His first “job” has made him fat. All those burgers have slowed him down.

 

To the point the team has welcomed a long road trip to keep him away from the burgers that he loves so much. Team captain Ko Kane has been spotted punching his goalie square in the head each time he would suggest going to eat somewhere that would sell burgers.

 

The problem has gotten so bad that the players now call him Jughead. The burger loving Archie comics character. Not the character from Riverdale. The team is also is said to have held an intervention trying to stop Shawn’s self-destructive behaviour. Players told him that if he does not stop getting fatter they will no longer invite him to team outings and after they all move past the VHL he will be forgotten.

 

Ko Kane’s speech sounded something like this “Shawn you and I used to be close friends. Remember going around town and throwing pies and homeless people then laughing. It was charity because we were feeding them but they had it all over their face. I often think back to times like that and think why don’t we do things like that anymore. Looking back I see that was a team bonding exercise and it brought us together. Like family.

 

But now you are different. You are distant and you don’t care anymore. Is it because Elinor left you for that bouncer named Rick? Is she really the reason why you don’t care anymore? Fuck her. She aint worth the time. She is a dirty little (Altercation breaks out before Ko Kane can finish what he was going to call her)

 

Okay… I see maybe that was too far. But all I am saying is that it’s a good thing that she is gone. She was a dirty fuck slut. Hell she offered me head and I acc…(Shawn dives to attack Ko Kane but his weight slows him down)

 

Okay! Sheesh! Look bro. I know you have been eating a lot because you are alone and you have no pussy to fuck. But how do you expect to get more pussy when you look like that? You want to eat hundreds of burgers because you think you will be taken seriously as a food critic. No one will give a shit about what you have to say. They will laugh at you, much like they laugh at you now because you just flat out suck in net. You fucked us like you never got to with Elinor. You fucked us out of a 2^nd title. As team captain I will no longer take this lightly. If you do not seek help I will no longer hang with you, I will delete you off my phone and I will no longer let you come tag along on my wild party nights. You will be the social pariah of the team and you will feel even worse about yourself. When you walk into a room we will leave. When you go for a fist bump it will be smacked away. During games we will leave you to defend for yourself. You want to fuck this team? We will do it right back. How does 100 shots faced per game sound to you? You fat fuck! Huh? ANSWER ME! Stop eating that fucking burger! FUCK! OKAY I’M DONE WITH YOU!”

 

Shawn refused to seek help in the form of a personal trainer and nutritionist. Shawn told them that it is his body and he can eat whatever he wants. As you can tell by Ko Kane’s speech that Shawns issues have cut deep with this team. They do not like what is going on but they cannot do anything about it. The one guy that is supposed to be stopping the pucks is not. The only reason why he has not let in more goals is because he is pure fatness. He takes up too much of the net so the opposing team has less to shoot at.

 

Shawn is so fat not that his reaction speed is non-existent if a puck is shot at his glove side he would only react a full three seconds later. That is pretty sad and very bad. Shawn literally has become just a body in net. A man with no passion for the game and no passion to go forward in life. He has forgotten how to skate, or well… he is too fat to skate is more accurate. The team has to help him glide out to his net. When he falls down or goes down for a delayed save attempt the team has to help him sand back up. To the point he has been instructed to that if he goes down for a save cover the puck with his fat to stop the play. That way the team is not helping him get up while the other team has the puck or they have the puck but two players are helping him up so taking those players out of the rush. Generally you would think the D would stick back in a rush and help him up so that way the D are back when the opposing team comes back down the ice but most of the time it does not work out like that.

 

 Davos has gone from the best team in the league last season to the cup favorite during the offseason to well the laughing stock. They cannot win with Shawn in net because of this horrible depression and self-destructive behavior. Players have threatened to tie Shawn to the net so that way he does not fall down. So his pure mass will just stop the puck. They are coming up with new and inventive ways to keep him happy while tied to the net. Like a burger feeding system which is basically a t shirt cannon firing burgers at him whenever he is done eating one.

 

A season where the team was not supposed to win may have brought on this change. Once Shawn won the cup he thought that he did not have to do anything anymore. He had nothing driving him forward in his VHL career. He won the cup that many players have not hoisted. He thought why try now when he already won the cup. He will forever go down as a champion so why would he need to try anymore. It’s truly sad and makes players that are forced to be on his team very mad.

 

They are mad because they could have been repeat champions this season and their goalie is in “I don’t fucking care anymore” mode. One man has taken the team by hostage and has driven it into the ground. Thanks Shawn you lazy fat bastard. I needed this to break away a bit from “Nice Robbie” your selfish ways have fucked the team this season and I doubt you can correct the course enough now to save the season. Why don’t you go stuff a burger down your throat and don’t use anything to wash it down. We may be better off with our backup goalie at this point. Which would be the ultimate slap to Shawn’s face and maybe would make him snap out of this funk that he is in.

[Quik 4,113]

Every time I scrolled down thinking I was near the end...

[BluObieZ 1,125]

3 hours ago, Quik said:

Every time I scrolled down thinking I was near the end...

1500 words

[DollarAndADream 3,357]

Review:

Wow, you don't watch Jersey Shore? That's a shame that you won't waste hours of your time on that show like myself and many others have.

GTL!

Funny write-up though.

Did @TheLastOlympian07 ever see this?