Sebastian Ironside - The Cornerstone of Toronto (Worst Writer of Toronto Certified) [1/2]

[pennypenny 227]

            Let’s start off by saying that Toronto is an absolute tire fire. As an avid sportscaster of the Toronto Legion, there is no doubt in my mind that the Legion are the biggest tire fire in the league. However, that tire fire is cured by a little-known name around the league called Sebastian Ironside. You may be wondering who Ironside is, and I can completely understand when you ask. He isn’t anything special in the league, and he’s only playing because the team around him is total garbage. Not to mention the fact he was brought in by the GM himself, despite never playing a game of hockey prior to the S60 VHLM year.

 

            “Yeah, he ain’t too bad. Guy’s dirt nasty at blocking shots with his face though, even if he’s total dogshit on the puck. I brought him in because he’s a big man with a big attitude.” Were the words spoken out of Mr. DollarAndADream’s mouth, a GM with more poor drafting choices than Quebec’s garbage GM who decided to draft a man who would retire if picked by any other team than the one he wanted. Just off the GM’s words alone, you can see that Ironside is a big guy. And not just a big guy in the locker room, or on the ice. Guy’s packing heat too. It’s been measured on multiple occasions by the likes of us, the Toronto press – and we can confirm it is 100% a valid 9.5.

 

            But that’s just one of Ironside’s accolades. Let’s talk about how this big dick energy guy has turned into the franchise defenseman of the garbage Toronto Legion. He’s got a big girthy size that nobody else can compete with, not to mention the fact that he has a linemate in the shit captain that is Robert Malenko. Despite the fact that Malenko started the season on fire, Ironside showed that his big girthy size had more to prove, as he has reached the same amount of points as Malenko around the same amount of time.

 

            His leadership around the locker room is felt by all, as he squeezes his hog throughout the arena. Refusing letters on his jersey because he said he couldn’t afford the extra 15 dollars for the patch on the jersey (Toronto is the only team in the league to make their players pay for their own jerseys), as well as having a tremendously girthy body as previously talked about, it’s put a dent in his pocket. He pays more out of his pocket than anyone else on the team because of the fabric used. But this allows for him to be angrier and fight for a better contract every time he steps out onto the ice.

 

            Ironside is a determined fighter, a determined Big Dick man, and an absolute unit that all of Toronto is in awe of. He is a phenomenal player of the Hockey, and he has an extremely large PT Cruiser he drives around the GTA during his freetime. Despite being a big dick energy man, he is also a vegan.

 

            There’s a reason this man is going to be the best player in Toronto for years to come – and it is all that big dick vegan PT Cruiser power. Give it up for Sebastian Ironside. The true captain of the Legion.

[Beaviss 4,957]

11/10 would read again 

[DollarAndADream 3,356]

[Jose Gonzalez 33]

JGRS Review
Information: 7/10 Feel bad i enjoyed reading this i guess articles with joking as the purpose dont work for my grading system...
Readabilty: 10/10 DONT WORRY I WONT CUT YOU OUT FOR IT