Hans Gruber: Ode to John Candy (Biography) [2/2]

[TheFlash 317]

How Hans Made it to Philadelphia

(A take on one of my all time favourites, Planes, Trains and Automobiles. Wanted to change it up from the same old boring bio)

 

Hans Gruber was in a panic. He didn’t know what to do. Some big news had just come to him in the form of an e-mail from Philly Reapers GM Blade. The problem? He had been offered a free agent deal, but needed to be in Philly in 48 hours for their first game of the regular season. Now, why is this a problem? Let me take you back... 

Hans had a great childhood. He grew up in Germany, went to High School at Frankfurt High. His family loved him, he had a mother and two sisters. Hockey was his life, but he had been overlooked in the National Hockey League. So, despite his anger at his dream being crushed, Hans decided to take a trip. Growing up in Germany, Hans never got to travel much. With much of his life being dedicated to hockey, Hans often was too busy to take any trips that you and I would consider a vacation. So, now that he had worked so hard all these years, he thought he at least deserved a week in a place that was hot, sunny, and had lots of lovely ladies! Hans decided to take a trip to an all-inclusive resort in Cuba! Hans was living it up with all the beer you could imagine and lots of free, unlimited food! The weather was beautiful, it was so hot out and there wasn’t a cloud in the sky! Hans was all alone, but then he noticed another man by himself. Hans approached him, and Hans began to ramble. Telling the man all about his journey and every little step he had made along the way. The man wasn’t having it, but Hans either couldn’t tell or didn’t care. When the man would walk away, Hans would follow.  

The next morning, Hans woke up, expecting to head down to the pool bar and see his new friend, but he didn’t see the older, white haired man anywhere. But that was when Hans got the phone call from the Reapers General Manager. 48 hours? Hans didn’t have much money, and had to take a cheap connecting flight that would land in Chicago for a few hours. Not a big deal! So Hans caught a cab to the airport, and was off to the terminal! He got to his gate, and just made it in time. He got the last seat, his flight was a sold out flight. He pushed his way through the aisle, trying not to knock anyone over his large 6’2, 210 pound frame. When he reached his seat, he saw a familiar face! The white haired man from his resort was sitting in the seat next to him! 

Hans talked to the main the whole flight. Going on and on with his opinions on everything from politics to the latest happenings in professional sports. The flight was a long one, almost four hours. Every time Hans would stop, and the man thought he had time to sneak his headphones in and catch the in flight movie, “Don't Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood”, Hans would think up a new topic to blather on about! Finally, the pilot announced they were landing.  The man left the plane in a hurry and Hans quickly lost him.  

Hans blabbing about nothing!

After Hans retrieved his bags, he went to the car rental place. The weather was terrible outside and all the flights were grounded. He had to make the long drive, and only had 24 hours to go. They had one car left, and as Hans turned away with the keys, he saw the man next in line. “Sorry pal, no more cars! But you can ride with me!” The man turned and was yelling for a taxi, and saw a driver. “TTTTAAAAAXXIIIII!!!!!” Yelled the man, but it was to late. He was gone and the only car left in the snowy parking lot was Hans’ rental car. “Guess you’re with me!” Hans exclaimed. The man begrudgingly followed. The rest of the car ride was more of the same, Hans had an endless amount of things to discuss. But Neal knew that he only had to put up with a bit more time and it was all worth it, for he’d be with his wife and kids back in Philadelphia before he knew it. But then, the car started to putter and plumes of smoke rose from the hood. “Oh god no, oh god no!!” Neal cried out. They took the car to a shop just up the road, they said they’d fix it by morning. “Looks like we’ll need to get a room, you can bunk with me. Save us both some cash”

.  

Car trouble (Hans, right)

That night was a rough one. Hans was a horrible sleeper, and didn’t stop tossing and turning and making noise. The last straw was when he let out a big snort, and Neal jumped out of bed. “What’s the matter? I had to clear my sinuses!” Hans said to Neal. “You are insufferable!” Neal yelled. “You’ve ruined this whole trip for me you know!” Hans snapped back. Neal had enough, he was angry now. 

“You're no saint. You got someone who will listen to your boring stories. I mean, didn't you notice on the plane when you started talking, eventually I started reading the vomit bag? Didn't that give you some sort of clue, like hey, maybe this guy is not enjoying it? You know, everything is not an anecdote. You have to discriminate. You choose things that, that are funny or mildly amusing or interesting. You're a miracle. Your stories have none of that! They're not even amusing accidentally. Honey, I'd like you to meet Hans Gruber. He's got some amusing anecdotes for ya. Oh, and here's a gun so you can blow your brains out. You'll thank me for it. I-I could tolerate any, any insurance seminar, for days. I could sit there and listen to them go on and on with a big smile on my face. They'd say, "How can ya stand it?" And I'd say, "'Cause I've been with Hans Gruber. I can take anything." You know what they'd say? They'd say, "I know what you mean. The shower curtain ring guy." It's like going on a date with a Chatty Cathy doll. I expect you have a little string on your chest. You know, that I pull out and have to snap back. Except that I wouldn't pull it out and snap it back, you would. And by the way, you know, when, when you're telling these little stories, here's a good idea. Have a point. It makes it so much more interesting for the listener! “    

Hans was crushed. He had a look on his face like never before, no one ever spoke to him that way.   “You wanna hurt me? Go right ahead if it makes you feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah, you're right. I talk too much. I also listen too much. I could be a cold-hearted cynic like you, but I don't like to hurt people's feelings. Well, you think what you want about me. I'm not changing. I like me. My GM likes me. My teammates like me. 'Cause I'm the real article. What you see is what you get”. 

They completed their drive the next day in total silence. He dropped Neal off, and made his way to the rink. He wanted to be excited, but couldn’t stop thinking about the night before. He just couldn’t get the argument out of his head. That night, he hit the ice for warmups. He was skating, head down. Then he heard a knock on the glass. It was Neal. He had a big sign that said “I’m sorry”. Hans smiled, and knew he’d have an illustrious VHL career. 

Friends Now!

[RunnerBert11 57]

Review - Well now it's official, I'm goign to have to queue up Planes, Trains and Automobiles after reading this. I love that movie and love how you spun that into a player bio. I do wish there was a little more background and early year information about your player to really help create a full picture, but nonetheless great bio and good luck in the upcoming season! RIP John Candy

[GRZ 179]

Review:

Now to start off with, as a youngster and this being way before my time, I haven't heard about this film before, but only by reading this I might actually watch it sometime.
Really interesting approach by using it to secretly mask in your player's biography in there, clever idea.
I like that you didn't shy of the traditional methods of going for a "full on" hockey player bio and how he did in the junior leagues, this actually had me interested while reading because I had no idea where thing's were going and what would happen next.
Overall - Nicely edited text, additions in pictures made it easier and more enjoyable to read.
Good job! 

[Jables 73]

Review- LOVE that you used the movie for this. For me, all that was missing a little early life background. But other than that thoroughly enjoyed this bio. May actually come back and read it again without reviewing being on my mind. Nice work!

[DollarAndADream 3,356]

On 2/28/2019 at 10:26 AM, Jake Levine said:

Review- LOVE that you used the movie for this. For me, all that was missing a little early life background. But other than that thoroughly enjoyed this bio. May actually come back and read it again without reviewing being on my mind. Nice work!

No article can have more than 2 reviews on it. Try not to dive into the archives as well unless there is nothing else to review in the Media Spot and Rookie Profile sections. If you can review Graphics, you can do those as well.