Jordan Tonn Traded?! [1/2]

[MexicanCow123 906]

9:06 am I come to you because I got permission to talk to you from your GM. I'm gonna make a push to trade for you, are you good with coming to Ottawa said Esso Gm of Ottawa. MexicanCow replied with Ya for sure. I'm not too happy in Vegas right now and you guys were one of the top teams that I wanted to play for. At 11:56 am the trade was official. Jordan Tonn went to Ottawa costing them a 1st and a 5th. Jordan wanted to win a cup in his final year in the VHLM and when they signed a top line winger there was some hope that Vegas could make a push. But right now they are 3-8-0 and Ottawa is a top team at 9-1-1. Jordan was playing as much as he literally could in Vegas, But Jordan felt that he would get decent minutes in Ottawa. Esso has to him that he will be 1st with some PP time. 1 reason why Jordan was so excited to go to Ottawa is that his former teammate in Vegas Kyle Sabertooth/ Uphilmoss is the AGM of the team. At the time Kyle was not too active due to exams so when Jordan told him he was now on Ottawa he went nuts. Jordan said to the media after the trade that he was super excited to join a team with such skill and bravery. Some of you might be wondering bravery how does he know that? Well, Ottawa has ACL TEAR on their team so no one has to be scared, he is an absolute giant. Before the season started Oilman Gm of Vegas asked Jordan if we shit the bed this year early. where do you prefer to play if I trade you? Jordan replied with Philly as number 1 San Diego then Ottawa. So on his original list, he got number 3. We asked Jordan if that list was true and he said and that point yes but he realized that he should have said Ottawa Philly then Saskatoon. When Jordan joined the Ottawa discord he make the worst mistake he has ever made. He used @everyone to say that there was a new guy in town. Ottawa went nuts on him and Jordan message Esso after his first talk with the new team. He said Ouch this team is already being a little harsh. Esso replied with I mean everywhere you go and there's a @everyone people yell lol. Jordan learned his lesson and now also knows not to talk to Grape since he is known as the grumpy one. Jordan has started to build some chemistry with his team but Jordan is sometimes a little shy when meeting new people so it has been a little bit of a struggle for him. Overall Jordan is super excited to go for that cup and get the glory he deserves being a top 10 VHLM player this season! It's going to be interesting to watch how everything plays out! 

 

[Renomitsu 934]

Review - Interesting content, but there are a lot of ways this article could be smoothed out (though I know it's from two months ago). I do like a narrative style in general, but I'd recommend trying to break your article into paragraphs based on ideas or by major event. I would also recommend adding quotations/further punctuation to make starts and ends of sentences generally more coherent, e.g.:

 

Quote

 I come to you because I got permission to talk to you from your GM. I'm gonna make a push to trade for you, are you good with coming to Ottawa said Esso Gm of Ottawa. MexicanCow replied with Ya for sure. 

becomes:

Quote

"I come to you because I got permission to talk to you from your GM. I'm gonna make a push to trade for you; are you good with coming to Ottawa?" said Esso, Lynx GM.

I'm not sure if the above is a copied-and-pasted quote, in which case it's OK to leave out the semicolon change. Since the second sentence could technically be two sentences (I'm gonna make a push... + are you good with...), you can either use a semicolon or a full stop to separate the ideas.

 

Separating ideas out like this will also make it easier for you to review when you're done writing your article through the first time.