Saturday Check-Up and A Bit About Myself

[thadthrasher 1,692]

Right now it's 09:30 where I'm at in Kentucky. I'm just about to start working on some things for school and for work, but I thought I'd check in.

Last week I made a post called Mental Health Check and nearly at the same time that I posted the article the forum began acting up. In the post I stated the following:
 

Quote

I've only been here for a couple of months, but I value this community, and I care about each of you deeply. So, I wanted to bring up two things...

1) My profession allows for me to spend a lot of time listening to people and being a shoulder to lean/cry on. If you need that from me do not hesitate to ask, I'm here for you. I'll happily message you when I can, talk to you on the phone, or even video chat with you. I'm open to listen to anything you have to say.

 

2) What are you doing to keep a positive frame of mind during all of this? Are there any new hobbies you are trying? What is it that makes your mental health better?

 

As I sip my morning coffee on this cool Kentucky morning, I'm left wondering how all of you are doing. Mental health isn't something that can be cared for or corrected with one forum post on the VHL website, but it's a start. The conversation about mental health and health in general cannot simply be reserved for one post and then forgotten about. It takes constant work, and I'm here to help however I can.

 

Last week a few of you reached out to me, and we had some good and deep conversations. You shared some personal details with me, and I with you, and I appreciate your willingness to be vulnerable and open up to a stranger on the internet (although I hope you now consider me to be a friend in this community). I thought that if I were willing to have you open up to me, it might make it easier on some of you if I open up as well. I hadn't intended to go this direction as I started writing this, yet I'm feeling led to do so now.

 

A Bit About Myself

I was born and raised in Northern Pennsylvania. My mom worked for a Hospice Care company (she was basically a nurse that helped with end-of-life care) and my dad started working in the concrete industry (which he still works in). My parents met in Texas, moved to New York, and then settled in Pennsylvania when they became pregnant with my younger brother. However, I don't remember much of this.

 

What I remember from that time was my mom being in a car accident that nearly paralyzed/killed her, and the inevitable divorce and separation of my parents. Around the year 2000 my parents legally divorced, and thus began the endless custody battles and struggles. At that time, at least in Pennsylvania, the mother was given custody of the children almost certainly. My dad continued to work 60+ hour weeks at the concrete factory (now as a manager) and my mother, debilitated from her car-accident, stayed at home with us. 

 

I think that the combination of deep pain from the accident and the broken marriage led my mother into a very dark place. After the custody battles settled, and my mother was given half of my father's pay check each month for child support, the abuse started. My brother and I were raised in a home that was not child-friendly. My mother acted very strange after her car accident, and she was pretty dead set on filling our heads with all sorts of stories about how awful our dad was. Really, his biggest fault was that he was a workaholic. When we wouldn't listen to her stories, or just didn't believe her, the insults came.

 

As the years went by, and our mother's attitude and character changed more drastically, I began to have to raise myself and my younger brother. Probably from around the age of 8 or 9 I started having to make my own meals almost daily. With that, I had to make sure my brother was fed, that our school work was done, and that our home didn't fall into shambles. My mother, through all of this, remained detached and ill-mannered. It got to the point where we wouldn't even see her. She'd stay in her bedroom and would never come out. For years, copious amounts of strangers would stagger into our home. They were disheveled, usually spacey, angry and mean. They would go into our mother's room, be in there for minutes, or even hours, and then come out as if they had been reborn. This constant motion of strangers led to my brother and me being exposed to a lot of people, and to some abuse.

 

As this went on for years, and it became abundantly clear that something was wrong with our mother, my brother and I discovered that she was living in addiction. The pain pills that she started taking after her accident became a life source for her. It drove her away from us and into the arms of other addicts and other drugs. It's as if we lived with an empty shell, but one that would occasionally hit us and verbally abuse us.

 

I decided that I needed away from this, and school wasn't a place that took me away long enough. I started going to church, getting more involved there, and I joined the military as I entered my senior year of high school. After I graduated high school in 2012 I went off to Basic Training for the Army. I planned on going to college still, so I joined a reserve component in Pennsylvania and was a part of the Army National Guard, however, our Basic Training was the same and with Active Duty Army. Anyways, near the end of my training the Army doctors told me that I had some issues with my feet going on and that I had to see a doctor when I got home from training. This led to me having to have a few surgeries, and to be placed on painkillers.

 

So, here I was, a freshly trained soldier in the best shape of my life, stuck in bed in a cast for weeks. I had been gone for months, and gone through so much, and none of my friends seemed to care. I had no visitors, no texts, no phone calls. It's as if I had gone off to training and my friends said their final "goodbyes." Not only that, but my longtime girlfriend, who I had every intention on proposing to, dumped me. I found out later that she had been cheating on me while I was away at Basic Training. All of this added up. The painkillers that the doctor gave me started to feel good, too good in fact. I started taking more than I needed and in quicker intervals. 

Once I realized what was happening I told my mother about it. I said that I didn't want the painkillers anymore. I realized that I was starting to become just like her, dependent on a pill that changed my whole mental state. I told her I wasn't going to take any more and that I was going to drop them off at the pharmacy. Her rebuttal was, "No, I'll take them. I can use them if needed, or sell them."

 

At this point it all hit me. As she left my room the dark thoughts of my childhood, the years of pain and abuse, the current struggles with friends and a broken heart, and the realization that I was destined to be like my mother all led me to a breaking point. I emptied the bottle of pills into my hand, wept bitterly, and went to swallow them all. I wanted to die. 

 

However, here I am today. As my hand touched my lips I was overcome with this warm sensation and without thinking or hesitating I put the pills away and haven't thought about suicide ever since. 

 

---

 

A lot has happened since then, and that's a story for another time. But, I suppose what I am aiming to do here is show this community that I care deeply for that mental health is a serious thing. We all have pasts that may haunt us, or presents that are destroying us. No matter how tough we make ourselves to appear on the internet, we each lay down at the end of the day with deep, dark, and heavy thoughts swirling around in our minds. 

 

While we could certainly be a community that sticks to virtual hockey alone, and there would be nothing wrong with that, there is no reason why we cannot learn to lean on one another in times of need. So, again, I offer myself to be an ear to hear.

 

With that, if you have any questions, I promise you there is nothing off-limits to me. And, I'm a very open book, so feel free to ask in here.

 

I hope you all have a great rest of your day and that you enjoy your weekend!

[Blazzer 759]

Wow you've been through a lot and came out stronger than ever 

[bigAL 2,176]

Darn Thad. We always talk about how life is “hard” but we often get caught up in our lives and can’t see the bigger picture. Yeah my life is hard but something I never really think about or appreciate is how safe and not hard my childhood was. What a world of a different that makes.
 

The strength and resiliency and selflessness needed to be the patriarch of a family before you’re 10 is literally one of the hardest things that can happen in life cause it stays with you and shapes you. The easy thing to do would fall into the vicious cycle of abuse and addiction. It makes sense right - you were on that path from such a young age that it’s hard to recognize it and get off the train. Inter generational trauma is a real thing, and pain begets more pain. It would completely make sense if you stayed on those painkillers and lived a life like your mom, and would be very little fault of your own. It’s what you knew, it’s the path you were put on by people and circumstances out of your control. It’s hard to learn to be a well adjusted citizen if you don’t know any growing up. It’s hard to be a loving partner or friend if you don’t see examples of it as a child. It’s hard to use to any problem solving technique other than violence or substance abuse when that’s the “normal” of your house.

 

 It takes an amazing mixture of personal strength, community support, and right-time/right-place needed to undo or fight back against the path your life “should” be on. 
 

Thanks for sharing - someone always has to go first to make the safe space and place for others to share. Big props to you, were a better place for having you around. Last night was fun hanging out in the voice, we can definitely keep doing that!

[thadthrasher 1,692]

Thanks man! It certainly was hard, but odd enough, I wouldn't change it. I feel as though I'm a better man today having those experiences. It's allowed me to become a more compassionate and caring person. 

 

3 minutes ago, bigAL said:

It’s hard to be a loving partner or friend if you don’t see examples of it as a child.

For the longest time I never wanted to get married or have children. The only real reason was because I didn't want to risk having a wife and children and then the cycle of divorce and broken homes continue. It's because all I ever knew was divorce and broken homes. But, then I started spending more time around couples who, even though things got hard, persevered and chose to love each other every day, even though they had many moments where they didn't like each other. This inspired me, and showed me that divorce wasn't the only ending to a marriage. Odd enough, I told this all to my now wife when we started dating and it never phased her. I think she knew she would be someone who would persuade me to think differently.

 

7 minutes ago, bigAL said:

and would be very little fault of your own.

I think this is something that many people in my generation experience. We come from parents who suffered abuse, and then passed down. I graduated high school with about 100 people. Not even a decade later and I estimate around 25 or so have died from suicide/overdose. All of them have childhoods similar to mine, where abuse and drugs were a thing of persistence. The others who haven't died are now parents and it's very likely that their children may suffer the same fate. Many in today's society look at others who suffer from addiction or mental illness as though they are the scum of the earth, but they never really learn to understand the depth of a person, and that addiction and mental illness root much deeper than many understand. 

[Ricer13 2,784]

Thanks for sharing this Thad, I have had some pretty bad hardships in my life of course different than what you’ve gone through but I am always around for a chat if you ever want someone to talk to.

[thadthrasher 1,692]

1 minute ago, Ricer13 said:

Thanks for sharing this Thad, I have had some pretty bad hardships in my life of course different than what you’ve gone through but I am always around for a chat if you ever want someone to talk to.

Thanks man! I think many of us have been taught that hardships are to be swept under the rug and forgotten about, but that's not a healthy way to handle it. Expressing those hardships and learning how others have processed and dealt with their respective scenarios is really the only way we can grow to be better and more understanding people.