SlapshotLegion

1. Do it again please. I think that was a highlight reel tip. Now that we're up 3-1, we can do it more often to show our great skill! 2. In terms of stats, I'd like to hit 20 goals in a season at the very least. In terms of TPE, I'm hoping to hit 400+ by the time the VHL draft rolls around. Personally though, I'd love for us to bring Miami a Founder's Cup. 3. I would not survive that period of professional hockey. I was thinking I could join the ECHL but it's even more physical there. I dunno, maybe I'll own goal in the DEL so that they bench me for that period, then I'd have fulfilled both requirements. 4. Circus Monkey does not go around fisting people anally, despite what others may claim. 5. No, I was thinking of joining a basketball one but then I realized that I knew nothing about basketball. 6. If we're Marauders I would do orange jumpsuit themed jerseys. Or even prison stripe themed jerseys.

my player did no such thing to you

TAMPERE - After years of playing in the Victory Hockey League for the Calgary Wranglers and a season with the Toronto Legion, Raimo Tuominen retired from the league. However, he has chosen to still play hockey. Coming back home to Finland, Raimo is making his return to Liiga with Tappara. Bringing some experience from the VHL, Raimo hopes to help this team be successful as well as share some of his experience with the younger players hoping to get looks in the VHL and NHL. Coming back to the bigger rink in European hockey will be an adjustment, Raimo admits, but he is excited to return to his roots. “The bigger ice is certainly nice, especially when you can run and gun it. A lot more ice helps for more plays to be made. I’m really excited to see if I’ve learned anything from my time abroad.” Raimo replied when asked about the change. “It’s always good to come back home and play in front of my countrymen again. Finnish hockey is on the rise and I’m excited to come back to help push the next generation forward. They are our future and I want to see fellow Lions take over the hockey world.”

THE ADVANCED MONKEY PROJECT Transcribed from the journal of Red Deer Polytechnic researcher Marco Paolo Day 1 of the AMP: This has been one of the weirdest projects of my life. I honestly don’t even know where to start. For some reason, Dr. Thatcher has kicked off a project in which we develop methods to make monkeys talk and have cognitive ability similar to humans. A process that hypothetically took us millenia of evolution is being asked of us in the span of two years. This type of research and experimental project isn’t exactly common for this place either. I don’t even know what to make of it. It’s been a long semester and this doesn’t exactly help it get any better… Whatever, at least it’s time for the VHL final. It’s currently 2-2 right now but I’ve got my money that Helsinki will take the easy win and be crowned as champions! They better win because I bet my scholarship money on this. Day 2 of the AMP: We are actually making staggering progress. It’s kinda scary. We’ve somehow gotten the monkey to learn how to write the alphabet. We gave him a cute little outfit and a cute hat so he looks like one of them circus monkeys. Dr. Thatcher insisted we dress him up like the civilized animal he is. Granted, the monkey isn’t able to form or comprehend the idea of human words yet but if we’re able to get this far on day one, I can only imagine it gets better from here. Still, why are we so adamant on getting this done? I hate to be that guy but isn’t this a little unethical? We’re not hurting the monkey or anything, just some injections and some training here and there but surely there is something objectionable to trying to force a monkey to think like us? Would he rebel against us? Let’s hope not. Otherwise, some people might be in for a rough time. P.S. Quebec City won again. It’s okay, I believe the Titans can come back and get the job done in 6 and force game 7. My scholarship money depends on it. Day 3 of the AMP: I forgot to note this yesterday because I thought it was irrelevant before but because of what happened today, I think some context is needed. While I was pirating game 5 on my phone two days ago, the monkey seemed to enjoy watching as well. He was peering at my shoulder the entire time. At some point today, Dr. Thatcher put on hockey highlights for us to watch while we were on break but the monkey expressed a ton of interest in what was being shown, even “cheering” through hooting and hollering. Because of this, Dr. Thatcher has ordered a pair of custom monkey sized skates. He even cut a hockey stick for the monkey to use. For now, we’ll start him off with a plastic puck but maybe one day he could use a real one. Imagine if this leads to a monkey playing pro hockey! Hah! That’s never gonna happen. Day 4 of the AMP: The monkey is actually a natural at hockey! Sure, he might be a little rough around the edges in terms of stickhandling but he seemed to pick up skating right away. He’s currently being taught how to do a crossover by Dr. Thatcher. He’s got a surprisingly hard shot- so much so that we switched out the plastic pucks for real ones already. He seems to love shooting the puck; we taught him the wrister which he was able to do after about an hour and the slap shot seems to be the most fun for him. I was a little doubtful at first but man, who knew that this would be a possibility? Maybe we need to get him some custom monkey hockey gear and actually see if we could play a game with him? I don’t know but this is fun. We might be investing a lot of our funds into this custom gear but hey, if he enjoys it, he enjoys it. I still don’t know what this has to do with anything and it doesn’t explain why we’re doing all of this but it’s fun so I won’t complain. On a slightly less fun note, game 6 happens tomorrow. I really need Helsinki to lock in and pull through. I can’t afford to lose any more money. Day 5 of the AMP: Oh my goodness, the monkey can pull off the Michigan. That is actually one of the wildest things I’ve ever seen. I mean, it was super slow and definitely would be called a high stick in competitive play but it was a Michigan nonetheless. Took the monkey about 243 tries… I can’t believe he was that persistent. It seems he’s satisfied with one though and has gone back to ripping slapshots. His accuracy might suck but the shots are hard and even the goalie we brought in to test his ability to find a way to score is noting that they are particularly strong. Stickhandling is progressing alright, though, I think the monkey enjoys blasting it more. Still, Dr. Thatcher insists that we have him do stickhandling drills, so we set up the cones and even use markers to draw where he’s going on the ice. Strangely enough, this has also helped the monkey learn how to talk. He’s finally able to string words together, albeit not in perfect sentences. He told us, “Goal score I”. It’s definitely a start. This is why I think Dr. Thatcher is a genius. Somehow, by hyperfocusing on hockey and getting the monkey to learn how to play, the monkey is also developing cognitive function in the ways we wanted him to in the first place. The first word he ever wrote was the word “Hockey”! I don’t know why Dr. Thatcher is doing all of this but I am a lot more excited to see where we go from here. Plus, game 6 is happening tonight. C’mon Helsinki, it’s all or nothing here. The rest of the pages were ripped or drenched in blood to the point where it was undecipherable. Marco Paolo reportedly survived but according to locals has since disappeared after losing the scholarship money. The fate of Dr. Thatcher is unknown but he is likely dead. For legal reasons, we cannot share what our thoughts are on this topic. – THIS ARTICLE IS NOT TO BE PUBLISHED; THE AUTHOR OF THIS ARTICLE HAS SINCE BEEN FIRED –

1. I'd have to put my money on the Jets against the Stars. I think people think the Stars will win easily and will bet for them but I'm willing to take the odd chance that Winnipeg pulls through somehow. 2. I am very excited: I'm a recreate myself! Circus Monkey is gonna be playing hockey and definitely won't anally fist anybody. 3. Winning a cup because at the end of the day me and the person going 1st overall will likely enter the league anyways; it doesn't make a difference other than bragging rights. 1. What's your stick flex and why did you choose it to be that way? 2. Calgary Wranglers are champs! How do you personally feel about this outcome? 3. Tell me your favourite hockey story! I love hearing these because people have so many experiences.

Game 70 - Riga Reign vs. Moscow Menace The European Final of the 1-seed Moscow Menace and the 3-seed Riga Reign started off with a great game 1, going into overtime with a Panda battle in net. Red Panda and Deadpanda both had stellar games for their respective teams with save percentages of 0.947 and 0.933 respectively. Let's talk about the action. Riga would outshoot Moscow 13-5 in the first period, however, Deadpanda would keep the Reign goalless to make for a tidy first period. Both sides would remain scoreless until Kazuma Satou's first playoff goal would give Moscow the lead with less than 2 minutes remaining in the first. It would prove to be the only goal of the frame. During intermission, a fan wearing a Toronto Legion jersey was found. Good to represent your city but what are you doing in this game? We are nowhere near Toronto! Anyways, I digress, let's move on to the second period. Moscow would outshoot Riga 13-10 in this frame. The first goal in this period was scored just under 5 minutes in. It would be Theo Allard's 7th of the playoffs that would put Riga on the scoreboard and tie this game up. Then just before the 12 minute mark, Maple Dogwood (not to be confused with former Vancouver Wolves player Dogwood Maple) scored their first career playoff goal to give Riga the lead. Kimi Raikkonen would assist on both of these goals by the Reign. However, this wouldn't last long as Jillian Woods, who had taken a roughing penalty earlier in the frame, would score their 3rd of the playoffs to tie it up once more before going into the second intermission. The second intermission would feature a fan eating 76 hotdogs in 12 minutes. I sure hope that fan was okay because they looked absolutely dog tired afterward. Okay, fine, no more puns. There would be no goals in the third period even with both teams shooting the most in this frame. Moscow outshot Riga 14-18. The panda battle was once again showing itself and it was evident in this frame. This meant we were going to overtime. Riga would outshoot Moscow 8-2 and on their eighth shot, it would be the guy who assisted two goals earlier, Kimi Raikkonen, who would finish the job 7:46 into overtime to give Riga a 1-0 series lead.

If it was gonna be any other team, I wanted it to be Calgary so badly. Congrats Wranglers!

RED DEER - Circus Monkey is waiting for the draft with nervous anticipation. Having talked to a few teams already, he is hoping that at least one of them will want to bring him on board. The WHL standout has had impressive numbers at the junior level but he understands that he’s at a bit of a disadvantage considering he is coming from a non-professional league. However, he is confident that his skills can translate and that he’ll be able to find his stride in the VHLM. “I mean, I just want to be selected by a team. It doesn’t matter which pick it is. I could be the last player picked and I’d be more than satisfied. It’s a lot of nerves approaching the draft knowing that all the work I put in to present myself could be for nothing if none of the GMs think I am worth a shot. Still, I trust the process and I’m confident that if somebody decides to pick me up that I won’t waste the opportunity given to me. I will not allow the team to regret picking me in this draft.” Even if it is the minors, not enough credit is given to VHLM players who work their way to make it into the minors in the first place. Young stars, old vets who decided to stay, and even in-betweeners looking to sneak into the VHL, everyone will be available for this draft. Circus Monkey hopes that there’ll be a team willing to try something new.

RED DEER - As the postseason is going on, it is no secret that there will be plenty of snubs. And with snubs, comes the infamous saying: “Fisted anally by a circus monkey”. Now, for years, it has just been a saying. Or has it? With the recent appearance of Circus Monkey, we have our suspicions. Circus Monkey is one of the newest prospects that is looking to enter into the VHL system. He most recently played with his hometown Red Deer Rebels (Circus Monkey was an experiment done at Red Deer Polytechnic, they allegedly brought him in 20 years ago when he was allegedly 1 year old.) and had 33 goals and 52 assists for 85 points this past season. His eligibility to play in the WHL was always debated mostly because of the fact he was a literal monkey but also for another big reason: there might be a chance he is lying about his age. “I don’t see why not having legal documents is such a big deal. I mean, for any other person, yeah, that’s a concern. But I am the result of a science experiment gone exceptionally well; if it wasn’t for that, I’d literally be like any other monkey. And I don’t see any other animals needing documentation.” Circus Monkey said in a press conference when he first joined the Rebels. A local Red Deer resident who wishes to remain anonymous disagrees. For purposes of the article, we will call them Q. “Zoo animals require documentation. I also require documentation to take my dog to the vet. I find it hard to believe that Red Deer Polytechnic doesn’t even have one piece of documentation for bringing in a monkey and performing experiments on it. Even if the documentation doesn’t have his age, we’d at least know when he was brought in and if he really is 21 years old.” Q is a sports reporter who first heard about the story of Circus Monkey while travelling alongside the Medicine Hat Tigers as part of their media crew there. At first, he was very impressed by Circus Monkey. However, after trying to write an article about the said player, he grew suspicious as he couldn’t find any information dating before his time in the WHL. That piqued his curiosity to the point of moving to Red Deer to find more about who Circus Monkey is. According to Q, there are eyewitnesses who say that Circus Monkey has actually been living in Red Deer for more than 21 years. And coincidentally, Circus Monkey always seemed to leave the town whenever Victory Hockey League awards were being handed out or when tournament rosters (for the WC, WJC, etc.) were being announced. “One of my eyewitnesses said that he and Circus Monkey were neighbours and would regularly watch the VHL playoffs together. They’d go to watch parties. Circus Monkey apparently admired the player Alexander Chershenko. That would date him being here in Red Deer since season 35! That same eyewitness also mentioned that Circus Monkey would fly to watch the VHL awards every season. Strangely enough, that same eyewitness took it all back the next day and then moved to Sweden the day after that.” – THIS ARTICLE IS NOT TO BE PUBLISHED; THE AUTHOR OF THIS ARTICLE HAS SINCE BEEN FIRED –

1. The Los Angeles Kings. I'm a Flames fan, they're facing the Oilers. It's only natural. Though, I have to say seeing them blow two leads and be tied with Oilers has me crashing out. 2. The best way to celebrate a personal achievement is taking the day after to rest and relax. Enjoy the achievement. No need to hop right back into trying to achieve another goal yet, take the time to be proud of what you've done. 3. I mean, being that he is a literal Circus Monkey, I'd have to say bananas. A second close answer would have to be the monkey bars he had installed onto the ceiling of his house. A miracle the ceiling hasn't come down yet. - 1. What is your player's favourite goal celebration? The Tiger Williams? The classic sliding on your knees? Maybe the hot stick? 2. If your player is on a two-on-one with a clone of themselves against a goalie and a defensemen, do they pass the puck to the clone or take the shot? 3. Your player has to switch stick handedness for a game. How well do they do?

Media spot is 1000 words long. Claimed the first 500 week ending 4/27/2025, this is the second and last claim for week ending 5/4/2025

RED DEER - Circus Monkey is one of the most perplexing prospects in the VHLM system right now. And it isn’t just because he is a literal circus monkey. The former Red Deer Rebel had 33 goals and 52 assists this past season. Now that he is no longer eligible for the WHL, he has since expressed his desire to play in the VHL system and will likely join the other prospects in the VHLM combine. Standing at 6’0”, very impressive for a circus monkey, one of his biggest strengths is well… his strength. It is probably one of the biggest reasons he has been able to be effective in the WHL and continues to be his biggest asset. While he might be comparatively smaller to real pros, he has shown that, at least at the junior level, that he can physically bring it. He often uses his strength to win puck battles or to brute force his way into crashing the net. “I mean, I do want to become a more well-rounded player. I’m looking into working on my skating and my stickhandling. However, I do think I can be at the very least a reliable shot and a net-front presence, as well as being able to use my strength to my advantage. If I’m being completely honest, I am still trying to find my identity as a hockey player but I do think if I’ll find it anywhere, it’ll be in the VHLM.”

might as well get into the action quick, #BrigadeFamily