CowboyinAmerica

At a surprise press conference outside his home in Chicago, reclusive VHL agent Zach Warren gave a pre-recorded statement to assembled press. As VHL fans know, Warren’s only VHL charge, Karsten Olsen, has been mysteriously missing from practice for most of Season 35. Warren did not take any questions at this time, but he did explain his long absence from the league and what to expect moving forward. The Seattle Times did not have a reporter present at this unexpected event, but the full transcript of Warren’s words below comes courtesy of the Associated Press: Thank you all for taking the time to come out here today. It has been a long time since I’ve spoken to the press, too long in fact. This is normally the part of the program where I would beg for forgiveness from the Seattle Bears organization for Olsen’s disappearance, but in all honestly, this was a necessity. Olsen needed time away, and frankly, so did I. It was the perfect storm of events that needed my time. I started a new job that was on a contract basis, so I needed to work my ass off to stay with the company. I moved apartments and was left without Internet access for intermittent periods. My girlfriend, who had been away on an internship, came back to the Chicago region, and I wanted to make up for lost time. And when I saw everything I could do with my time while the VHL was transferring boards… well, I became too accustomed to that free time I had. Now that I’m back, I honestly can’t say what happens next. I don’t think I’m shooting for Jericho’s first gen record anymore, that’s for sure. I can’t even say what happens next week. I’d like to say that my goal is my own personal client TPE record of 931, set in the MSFL, but I suppose that’s not a certainty. All I can really hope is that I find somewhere to fit in with a team that will take me. I like the VHL. And I like the opportunity to submit some creative writing in a different style than is currently accepted at my day job. Those two factors why I’m back; it would be easy to stay away, given the amount of time I have already. And I do have to commemorate the marketing team — if not for the couple of posts on Facebook over the past couple of days stoking the old flames, I might not even be back right now. But for now, I’m hungry to get this going again. Karsten Olsen isn’t a complete flameout, and it’s time to go. Thank you for your time.

From the editor: This is the first in a series of indeterminate length, explaining the Disappearance of Karsten Olsen from the VHL for a short period of time. Maybe it doesn’t have too much to do with the VHL at first glance, but I plan on introducing a few wrinkles as I see fit with this particular series for as long as I feel like writing it. The Disappearance of Karsten Olsen, Chapter One The Devil Went Down to Georgia http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K6RUg-NkjY4 The basement was dark, but that was nothing out of the ordinary. What worried Karsten Olsen now was the wind. The biting, bitter beast had infiltrated his seemingly impenetrable space. He wasn’t surprised, really; the tally marks on the wall said that it should be getting close to October. Anyways, the wind helped circulate the stagnant air. At the very least, the wind was more welcome than the only other thing allowed to invade his personal space. Twice a week, the men in blue sweaters would come down. They would bring two days’ worth of food, expected to last four days. And they would bring news from the outside. It was apparently nice in Alpharetta this time of year. Or was it Macon? It didn’t matter to Karsten. There was no world outside of the basement, and all that they said existed couldn’t be trusted anyway. When the wind compelled him, Karsten Olsen tried to remember. There was Seattle, yes, but that seemed so long ago. He had been a defenseman with the Seattle Bears long ago, but he was unsure whether that still would have been the case even if he could leave his new home. Greg Harbinson — if he was still even GM, Christ! — did not hold much tolerance for the work ethic-deprived. He had seen too many people leave to know whether the Bears would take him back. Of course, Olsen reasoned, he could say that he left for the team. That was what he had originally told them, anyway. A man down in Atlanta said that he could teach Olsen a few tricks about being a top-tier defenseman during the VHL’s mini-lockout. “Why Atlanta?” they had asked. Truly, Olsen was not sure himself. He had not thought that part of the excuse through. He couldn’t tell them the truth. Monique. The long-brown hair, light brown skin, deep brown eyes bombshell. She only went for the top players, she said, but was Cal G retired, she was all Karsten’s. She was the one who pleaded with him to just train in Atlanta during the offseason; she said he didn’t have to move there. Then, it was just staying one week longer, training camp wasn’t important. Then, that fateful night, it was just staying with her one night longer, because she had a friend she wanted Karsten to meet. Then, it was the basement. That’s what he got for following a woman, he supposed. The woman that changed everything To be fair, the first basement wasn’t that bad. At least it was heated, and it even had carpet to sleep on to boot. But then, the mean in blue sweaters forced him to move. Muttering curses along with names he had never heard — who was Gary Bettman supposed to be? — they moved him away from what he had been told was the city of Atlanta. Hands tied behind his back, mask over his head, and on the basement of what sounded like the Dukes of Hazzard car, he was transported to Augusta or Athens; he could never remember which. The wind was cold, and it chilled him to the bone. However, there were still other things on Karsten’s mind than the wind and the dark. It had taken a month for the men in blue sweaters to speak to Karsten; before, they had only come and gone with the wind. But when they finally did, on this day that he considered October, he was shocked. The torturers, the evildoers, the captors, they told him, “We need you.” “Why?” Karsten asked, perplexed. “Why do you need me… and why do you ever think I’d help you?” “You told the Bears you would come here for training,” the man who seemed to be the leader said. “We can help you. We are the Alliance for the Thrashers Reborn, and we believe you can help us bring the great Atlanta Thrashers name back to a professional hockey league. If the NHL won’t have us, then maybe the VHL will.” He don’t know what it was inside, maybe the lack of food or adequate sleep, but Karsten laughed. He rolled on the floor and he cried and he laughed until his already-burning sides became numb. “You imprisoned me because of hockey?” he asked incredulously. “There’s no way I’ll ever help you.” “Oh, but you will,” the leader answered. “We have some help from some friends in very powerful places.” “You better,” Karsten answered. “I won’t accept anything less than God or Satan himself, so you better bring the heat.” “That can be arranged,” the leader said as he removed his mask. Karsten’s mouth dropped to the floor as he recognized a face that had not been seen since he disappeared from the Davos front office four years ago. Next week: Inside the Alliance for the Thrashers Reborn’s sinister plan to infiltrate the VHL.

Oh, cool.

Pretty sure Victor said Champs 4, Finals 3, Semis 2, First Rd Loss 1 on the other board?

My complicated player page. No depreciation. http://vhlsim.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/473-karsten-olsen-update-thread/

BOG VHLM Mag Writer Bears LR Oslo Storm LR (Doomsday had kept me with access)

Got 'em coach. Winning this one.

Well, thanks for posting because I totally forgot about this. Marc-Andre Fleury, going #1.

Also, stuff that I have in my Google docs from doing or opening: S34 WC Stats: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AlR6i_xtFUobdGpWUlhOY1FNeTZUTzRIcmFid0VGWUE&usp=sharing S34 WC Standings: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AlR6i_xtFUobdG1LaWpLTUwybk81YjFQLW90dW5ObXc&usp=sharing VHL Player Balances: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AgEsB0k_zPX3dHRETjNhNEluX1dWeVB1d0hqSVBheEE&usp=drive_web#gid=0 S32 VHLM TPE Index: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AlR6i_xtFUobdGExZVdCLXE1ZlRzUjcxMmdsVDktOEE&usp=sharing S33 VHLM TPE Index: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AlR6i_xtFUobdEhHQTRVNm0yYjRaNk1KZjg2NFM3aHc&usp=sharing S34 VHLM TPE Index: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AlR6i_xtFUobdGFLSzRHWWFKMHdaeGRTQkdMbi1wb3c&usp=sharing S35 VHLM TPE Index: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0Ap3WEDKGcP07dEQ2elRZRFcyZzVNbWN0a0paYW5BcGc&usp=drive_web#gid=0 S34 VHL Finances: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AlWYA2aQq1BddFRmT1VsMnRoU0VVdTc2RGFVU2xDQkE&usp=drive_web#gid=0 S32 VHL Finances: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AgdBgYv7vPB_dGw1V29rMUozNFNmQ0o4SGhwQnlDaVE&usp=drive_web#gid=11 S25 VHL Finances: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0Ao9dZtpBfytQdEJ5V05DNGxZVUYySXpLU0t2NHc5Z2c&usp=drive_web#gid=9 S32 WC Stats: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0Ao9dZtpBfytQdHFpRllUd0tZWmtpNEMwbFppWXJ1cXc&usp=drive_web#gid=0 S32 WC Goalies: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0Ao9dZtpBfytQdF9WNkRwTy1LNTdFLW41TEZqUWRDUHc&usp=drive_web S32 WC Standings: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0Ao9dZtpBfytQdDhIai12UUlkdDZObW9FVVd5RDhHaGc&usp=drive_web#gid=0 Seattle Bears All-Time Stats: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AkNtSYNyN33adDlyUHRHdE9NOHdOWVVQRHlqRUgwaXc&usp=drive_web&authkey=CJrB0P4I&authkey=CJrB0P4I#gid=0

^Yeah that. Had a busy weekend, but now should be around a bit more and can help with whatever you guys need.

Player Information Username: CowboyinAmerica Full Name: Karsten Olsen Position: D Age: 19 Handedness: Right Recruited By/From: Player Attributes Total Points Earned: 454? CK = Checking: 90 FG = Fighting: 40 DI = Discipline: 40 SK = Skating: 84 ST = Strength: 77 PH = Puck Handling: 70 FO = Face Offs: 40 PA = Passing: 90 SC = Scoring: 70 DF = Defense: 91 EX = Experience: 50 LD = Leadership: 40 Other Jersey Number: 82 Height (inches): 6'2" Weight (lbs.): 240 Birthplace: Finland Player Finances Awards: Career Stats: Player Movement S33: Drafted 1st Round, 2nd Overall Past Players (Based on index, like 3 updates ago. I'll bitch about my un-updated stuff later)