Doomsday

 

DOOMSDAY, HURRY UP AND GRADE THIS YOU FUCKING PRICK.

 

Auto 6/6 IMO.

Fuck all y'alls

Landry Elevates Physical Play

DAVOS - Two can be an awesome number in the proper context. Two strokes on a par three hole. Two minutes to midnight. Two tickets to paradise. Two For Tuesday on 99.9 the Hawk. But what about two hits? In one game, that could be considered sort of ok. But two hits is what Davos Dynamo winger Thomas Landry (then with the New York Americans) registered for an entire season. For a player that was highly expected to bring a tough, physical mentality to the ice like he had done while at Penn State, the passive play of Landry caught nearly everyone off guard except for himself.

"On paper, yeah, that looks horrible and it is," said Landry following a team practice. "But when you think about it, I had to be considered the weakness of that team. I did not want to do anything to hurt my teammates' chances at winning the Continental Cup, so I did everything as conservatively as possible. I managed to avoid taking a single penalty all season and a large part of that was the fact that I didn't have to do the dirty work at all. Playing with guys like Ryan Sullivan, David Smalling and Samu Heiskanen meant that I didn't have to make those hits and take the risk of being penalized."

But when Landry found himself in Davos after the Americans traded him to begin their rebuilding process, he no longer found himself surrounded by elite hitters. Recalling the degree of his physical play during his days as a Nittany Lion, Davos' general manager, Victor Alfredsson took Landry aside and asked him if he would be able to become the big hitter that the Dynamo were lacking. Through 41 games this season, Landry is currently fourth in the VHL with 178 hits, the most at his position and second only to Miles Larsson among forwards.

"Tom was absolutely dedicated to not letting Victor down," said Davos' head coach Terrence Fong. "Throughout the off-season, he was here, even on voluntarily workout days, just busting his ass to make sure he became exactly the kind of hitter the Dynamo needed. With all that hard work, he became an even more complete player and he went from being a liability on New York to becoming one of our best players. He absolutely earned that assistant captain-ship with all he did to get where he is today."

While finishing dead-last in the VHL last season, the Dynamo are currently second in the European Conference with 46 points, which would mark a tremendous difference for Davos' hometown boys. With prized goaltender Lennox Moher continuing to improve, the Dynamo's chances of winning a playoffs just a season removed from being the laughingstock of the VHL would be quite possibly just as surprising as Jardy simming a batch of games. However, miracles are bound to happen every now and then. The fact that Charlie Sheen is still alive and the Dynamo's success speak volumes towards that. But at what point does hard work cease to make the unlikely a miracle? For that, just watch Thomas Landry plowing over opposing skaters and you might just find it.

Jethro Novacek is a writer for the MSFL Times and despite having been dead the last ten years, remains in our mortal coil since Death is too afraid to take him on. He enjoys a nice, cold pink lemonade, rustling the jimmies of his uptight neighbors and making thinly veiled insults towards evildoers.

You can change your member title yourself under

 

My Settings -> Profile Settings -> Profile Information

This doesn't allow me to actually change my user title.

Also, while on the subject, can my post count get bumped by 600 to reflect what I actually had?

I still can't believe that just a season removed from getting 2 hits, Landry is 4th in the VHL in hits with 178.

Fuck the bills every week they find a new way to lose

Replace "Bills" with "Cowboys" and this is pretty much me.

Unknown Assailants Pulverize Taylor

COLOGNE, GERMANY - Kameron Taylor, star center and team captain of the Cologne Express, was found beaten senseless in a back alley just a block away from the Rotes Bierhaus, a prominent pub in Cologne. Although details of his injuries have not been released, he is believed to have sustained a concussion from the vicious attack. Perhaps the most mysterious aspect of it is that there are precisely zero leads on who the attacker or attackers were.

"It's very strange, very bizarre," said Cologne's Chief of Police, Jens Brubaker. "Taylor is a very well-respected figure here in Cologne and I don't understand why he would be targeted for such a heinous, cowardly attack like this."

The only clues that investigators have to work with are a seemingly endless amount of scribble left on Taylor. Oddly enough, virtually all of the words that were written on his body are misspelled, including such words as, "phag," "panisfayce," "cookgoobler" and "dangus." Only the phrase, "Correct these or the beatings will continue," was spelled correctly.

Since injuries do not exist in the VHL universe, Taylor will be suiting up tonight unless Jardy doesn't sim the file again, at which point he will likely just sit at home and continue to discover his penis.

Jethro Novacek is a writer for the MSFL Times and a best-selling author. He enjoys purveying dick jokes, admiring the people in this world that are actually good and decent and fanatically remembering Alex Lewis.

YES

YES

YES

YES

YES

Im not a grader like you

If you're not going to help, then piss off.

This is a good way to get your stuff graded last, punk.

Schizophrenia In Seattle?

SEATTLE - In need of a job in the Victory Hockey League? The Seattle Bears want you! Just kidding, no they don't. They actually think you suck, that's why you don't have a job. But then again, they do think you're pretty rad and could use you. What's going on? If you've been listening to XM Radio the last few days, you've likely heard these bizarre, contradictory ads put out by the Seattle Bears. But what in the Sam Hill is going on?

The Bears are a young team with a solid core to build upon. An excellent place for young talent to head to as they are shaping up to be a force for seasons to come. Or you could listen to the negatory ad and instead go to the Cologne Express, quite possibly the VHL's least favorite destination in free agency. Seems as if they've accepted that their only way to attract free agents is to make the other teams considerably less favorable, a tactic that Ilya Bryzgalov used to great success last year. 

But really, is this worth all the trouble that it's being made out to be? Clearly it is, considering you just read this article. So do the sensible thing: don't join either team. Just go to Davos and laugh at the league from afar on their glorious throne. 

Jethro Novacek is a writer for the MSFL Times, making him approximately 67.82% better than you according to science. He enjoys launching soda bottles into orbit, sharing the joy of Bill Nye the Science Guy with children worldwide and publicly masturbating.

Mason Still Hounded Over Numbers

NEW YORK - Despite moving on to the world of hockey after ending his military career, the past of Jack Mason continues to haunt him. Or rather, it would be if it actually was his own past that was tormenting him. Instead, the New York Americans' defender continues to battle the demons of war, the nightmarish season his team is enduring and persistent dogging over matters he knows nothing about.

"Look," exclaimed Mason angrily at a press conference. "I've seen men I've known for years die before my eyes. I've been on the receiving end of a 10-1 opening night loss, an 11-0 loss and losses by nine points at our own arena. I know horror. I know tragedy. But I know nothing about these goddamn numbers you keep asking me about!"

He's referring, of course, to the sequence of numbers hiding a secret as seen by Captain Alex Mason in the Call of Duty series of video games. During an interrogation sequence, the interrogator barks, "The numbers, Mason! What do they mean?" This question has naturally been repeated to Jack Mason hundreds of times, despite it actually occurring to an entirely different Mason: one who does not even exist.

"I wasn't around for the Cold War," bellowed Mason. "I did not tussle with any Ruskies or Chinamen or anything of the like. I don't know of any secret codes other than the one to get into my damn locker."

New York's general manager, Christopher Miller, seemed rather peeved himself when asked about Mason's trials.

"It's starting to get pretty annoying," said Miller. "I mean, all the losing is one thing, but it's another thing to see one of your players getting mercilessly badgered over something as stupid as that. It's bad enough for him to hear about it from random jackasses in the media, but to be on the ice and have opposing players keep asking him what the numbers mean? That's terrible."

Captain Bacon, a teammate in New York, seems to enjoy the situation even more than Mason's on-ice opponents.

"Are you kidding? We love messing with the guy," said Bacon, who does not appear to have actually attained the rank of captain in the Canadian military. "We'll rig up the locker room to start blaring loud voices demanding to know what the numbers are, Ugot Change will start to chase him around making random guesses at what they mean and Bossman Johnson just keeps showing his penis to Jack. It's weird, but it sure seems to bug him."

When pressed as to why they would go so far out of their way to harass and traumatize a teammate, Bacon had a plain, yet tasty answer.

"Nobody wants to be remembered as the guy with the worst plus/minus rating," said Bacon with absolutely zero hesitation. "Add to it that he's always on the ice and makes a lot of defensive miscues, messing with his head just seals his fate."

Through 34 games, Mason's -59 is good for last in the VHL. The nearest competitor? Ugot Change, with -49 and a mean streak of tormenting poor Jack Mason. It's a good thing that the VHL offers such an excellent health care and pension program, for the poor man is certainly going to need it by the time he hangs up his skates.

Jethro Novacek is a writer for the MSFL Times, because the Madden Simulation Football League will never die. He enjoys people watching, designing elaborate torture houses on the Sims and trying to train his pet lamp to curb-stomp the alphabet.

I told your player he better be hitting someone or else he is hitting the bench:)

I'm a players coach

Can you make me a Playstation if I get 400 hits, coach?

After having two hits in 72 games last year, Landry has 139 in 31 this season.

That's pretty rad!

I blame Doomsday.

Yo, I'm not on this roster anymore!