And I'm Waiting for You to Follow Me

[Gustav 6,407]

That's right, for anyone familiar with The Who, I'm free! My semester ended today, as did my third year of college. The realization that I don't really have long to go without needing to care about the real world crept up on me over the course of this semester, so I figured I'd talk about some of those thoughts in here.

 

Warning: depressing Gustav thoughts ahead. If you don't want to read some random stream-of-consciousness ramble that's of very little consequence to anyone other than myself, stop reading. I'm doing fine (and at the moment I'm very happy, in fact), but I've had a lot of weird tangentially-league-related thoughts going through my head recently that I'd like to let go of.

 

I don't want to step down or go inactive prematurely, and chances are I won't have anything to worry about in my life for at least another year (in fact, next year will probably be easier). But next year, I have...literally no idea what my life will look like. Where will I be? What will I be doing? There are a lot of possibilities out there. I'm well aware that we have many, many members who have settled into their "real lives" and continue to be great, active members of the league--and I really respect that and really want that. On the other hand, I know of people who have been very active until they graduated, and then either fallen off hard or disappeared entirely. So I don't want to be that, but I'd also like to be realistic with myself and be prepared for the possibility that I'll have a lot less time in my life.

 

I used to be of the mindset that I can't drop off in activity, because if I ever do end up stepping down (which I'm not planning on doing for at least a good while), the market is competitive enough that I'll either never be let back in, or only be let back in after a long, long time. But why should that be my number one priority in life? Sure, it makes sense to be heavily invested in my online life when I have a lot of time in my life and it's not a smart idea to have a big social life because of...well, you know...but of course that shouldn't be a big deal to me when there's actually a life for me to live by myself. 

 

One big positive takeaway from this whole thing is this, though--I'm very glad I've come to terms with this before it actually became an issue. I'm very glad I haven't been sucked into some Internet loser hole (as much of a loser as I am anyway), and knowing the difference between "good, active member" and "internet loser hole sucker", I'm optimistic about my future here.

[Banackock 8,044]

[bigAL 2,176]

8 hours ago, GustavMattias said:

But next year, I have...literally no idea what my life will look like. Where will I be? What will I be doing?

Oh the existential crisis of the 20s... I always try to look at it as opportunity but the truth it’s it’s overwhelming and terrifying. I put it off for a long, long time by staying in grad school for four years, but that didn’t really help the situation when it eventually came. 
 

My modus operandi has always been “have a five year plan, even though it changes every six months.” Its human nature to crave equilibrium despite that being hard to achieve in the real world, and that little mantra has helped me give a false sense of stability through those big biannual shifts. 
 

And truly, you’re in a good spot. To be able to anticipate and plan for the change a year out is a great opportunity. It can be anxiety inducing for longer than you want to feel that way, but it beats the hell out of being surprised by a change that shakes your reality. That shit happens too, and it’s helpful when you’re used to handling planned change to deal with unplanned change. Trust me, I’m going through one of those right now. But, shit happens, and that shit shakes your whole reality, including *gasp* our citizenship in this online world. 
 

When something matters to you as much as the VHL does to most people, you work to find ways to squeeze it into whatever version of your reality you’re living in at the moment. I’ve gotten into a great balance where I can sit down Sunday mornings to do my VHL/IHL updates; I focus my discord activity on my jobs; I’m on mobile more than ever before and check the forums in down time between works and when I’m pooping. Sure, I can’t hit my expected targets of activity and productivity here anymore, but that’s okay. Perfectionism is murder on your psyche, and good enough often is good enough. 80% is a pass. Expecting yourself to give 110% all the time is a recipe for self sabotage through guilt and shame. My (very crass) friend always had a saying that was about his sexual conquests but it applies here too: lower your standards and up your average. 
 

You’ll figure something out. You’re a brilliant, hard working guy with a strong sense of self, and an understanding of the world you live in. You will be fine. Good things come to those are good people and who work hard. You’ll have more options than you know what to do with, but you have to trust yourself that you’ll make the best decision possible based on the information you have and the person you are at the time. And, with your future wide open and ready for you to create it, you’ll find a way to include Davos as a piece of that. Or, you’ll try to and realize that it just isn’t fitting. Trust yourself that you’re smart enough to know yourself, and to make that decision properly when it pops up. 
 

Until then, big deep breaths. One challenge at a time. Keep being the best friggin you that exists. Go easy on yourself. Be okay with being just okay, and be okay with not being okay. Enjoy your summer and bask in the freedom and glory that is the student life. You got this, you just have to do the work to go and get it; but you know you can, and can trust that you will. 
 

luv u gus 

[Beketov 9,025]

9 hours ago, GustavMattias said:

I don't want to step down or go inactive prematurely, and chances are I won't have anything to worry about in my life for at least another year (in fact, next year will probably be easier). But next year, I have...literally no idea what my life will look like. Where will I be? What will I be doing? There are a lot of possibilities out there. I'm well aware that we have many, many members who have settled into their "real lives" and continue to be great, active members of the league--and I really respect that and really want that. On the other hand, I know of people who have been very active until they graduated, and then either fallen off hard or disappeared entirely. So I don't want to be that, but I'd also like to be realistic with myself and be prepared for the possibility that I'll have a lot less time in my life.

Speaking pretty from experience: You squeeze it in on evenings and weekends mostly and end up being primary a mobile user. That's not necessarily a bad thing and it obviously even depends on the person heavily. Most jobs are going to have a pretty set schedule so there's still plenty of "free time" even if when that free time sits moves around a bit from what you are used to right now. I used to check the VHL during class because, why not. Now I mostly check in at night because that's when I'm free. It's just different, not necessarily better or worse. I've taken on more VHL responsibility post graduation than I ever did when I was in high school or university.