How not to build a minor league hockey team, parts I and II

[woog 62]

Doctor Manfila Koité, Ph. D, esq., S.S.Q.P.M.

Consul General of Mali, Americas North of El Salvador

Hockey Player Agent

El Centro, California

 

To whom it may concern:
I am writing today in my newly-minted capacity as the player agent for one Keita Kourou, a 16-year-old young man of my recent acquaintance. We are both citizens of the Republic of Mali: I am one living out a bureaucratic exile or patronage posting on behalf of the government of Mali (depending on your point of view), while Keita Kourou is living out his dream of being the finest ice hockey player in the history of our great nation. 

 

My understanding of my job as a player agent is that I have to complain when Keita wants to complain, to get him money when he needs money, and to get him the *$%# out of any hockey backwater when it becomes clear said hockey backwater is no longer a place in Keita's best interests. In my crash course of study on hockey, I have learned of advanced analytics that basically count how often good things happen and how often bad things happen, plus how often bad things are prevented. Clearly I am the best hockey agent by advanced analytics in the world, because Keita keeps getting traded out of *$%# places. 

 

Keita came to the Americas to pursue his dreams, starting in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan. He loved it in Saskatoon because, as he put it "ice stays frozen there", which he wisely determined was advantageous for hockey. Because this insane league has rules against happiness, Saskatoon had to release Keita after his rookie season, and then a barrage of strangers employed by rich businessmen interviewed him to see whether he should join their teams instead. He gets picked up by a team in San Diego, the "Marlins". The connection between ocean fish, who never know ice, and hockey teams, who depend on it, is not clear to me. Clearly, a place where hockey careers go to flounder (please feel free to consider that a bad pun).

 

So the Fish trade Keita to Ottawa. Keita is excited. Keita is motivated. Keita is going away from a place where people surf and dream of getting away from the Mexican border and generally lack ice, and going to a place where there is actual ice: Ottawa, the second-coldest national capital on the planet. If you are a masochistic freak of nature national treasure with ambitions to succeed in Winter sports despite coming from a summer country, to return to a place of ice is a good thing. Keita's first four games for this Ottawa team (the Links, named for some internet thing, I believe) were a thing of beauty: one goal, one assist in four games. Not the best player in the world yet, to be sure, but already the best player ever from Mali. 0.5PPG! Advanced Analytics! This despite being on a team that, other than Keita, only had centers and defence players. 

So, of course Ottawa Link people blow it. Ottawa barely invited Keita to their locker room in time to ship him off again to a place of eternal summer and illegal immigration across southern US border: this time it's Miami, and the team is called Marauders. Again, the team has balance issues. This time, instead of all centers and defenders, the Marauders are a team full of wingers, with only one center and one defender. 

But Keita Kourou is not a young man easily suppressed by crap roster construction. He arrives in Miami and scores twice as many points in half as many games in Ottawa. That's twice as good as being twice as good - advanced analytics! 

Anyway: Miami team @nurx: congratulations on your young and hungry Malian star. May you take him far, may he take you far. 

If you could kindly show him where the locker room is before his third game with you, that would be lovely.

 

Regards,

 

[signature]

____________________
Manfila Koité, esq.

 

[663 words]

 

Edited November 28, 2022 by woog

[Spartan 4,561]

Probably the best media I've read this month, good shit lmao

[woog 62]

6 minutes ago, Spartan said:

Probably the best media I've read this month, good shit lmao

Many thanks. 

A little well-intentioned revenge tour mockery for the teams that trade me away. 

[checks notes] - however unsustainable, 1.5 goals per game since landing in Miami looks pretty good, right? Might be nice having a winger who can do that, right, Ottawa? (Oh, wait. You don't believe in wingers)

 

[Spartan 4,561]

1 hour ago, woog said:

however unsustainable, 1.5 goals per game since landing in Miami looks pretty good, right?

Only unsustainable if you don't believe in your ability to sustain it . Tear it up in Miami!

[nurx 914]

was totally prepared to be made fun of when I saw I was mentioned

[nurx 914]

also does anyone else find it ironic that the person from mali is complaining Miami doesn't have snow? wild

 

 

just looked it up the coldest it gets in the capital of Mali, which I assume is the only place likely to have a rink, is 88° F in August hot enough some Canadians would complain about it.

Edited November 28, 2022 by nurx

[N0HBDY 1,139]

5 hours ago, nurx said:

was totally prepared to be made fun of when I saw I was mentioned

I mean we still can if you want us to

[woog 62]

13 hours ago, nurx said:

was totally prepared to be made fun of when I saw I was mentioned

Lol - you’re not a  villain of this story, just the dude with keys to the latest locker room.

[Grape 761]

On 11/28/2022 at 3:53 PM, woog said:

Ottawa barely invited Keita to their locker room in time to ship him off again to a place of eternal summer and illegal immigration across southern US border: this time it's Miami, and the team is called Marauders.

 

Keita was complaining in the airport on his layover to Ottawa about how cold it was. Despite my lobbying, the league wouldn't allow Keita to wear a winter coat on the ice so it was deemed too cold for him and thus needed to go somewhere that could match the Mali heat.

[Gaikoku-hito 2,154]

On 11/29/2022 at 8:21 AM, nurx said:

also does anyone else find it ironic that the person from mali is complaining Miami doesn't have snow? wild

 

 

just looked it up the coldest it gets in the capital of Mali, which I assume is the only place likely to have a rink, is 88° F in August hot enough some Canadians would complain about it.

And most Canadians also just had to look up what 88° F was in census!! Otherwise a very true comment. I start complain any where in the mid 20`s or 78.8° F