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The VHL has experienced an intense battle for the position of number 2 in the league.  Quebec, Helsinki, Cologne and Riga are all within 5 points of finishing second.  Indeed, each of these teams are having an impressive season, but sitting in first place, with a commanding lead, are the New York Americans.  Today, we will investigate the best team in the league, and the scandal that will define them.


The New York Americans are the most patriotic team in the league.  Representing America, the biggest, richest, most educated, most entrepreneurial, largest penis-est, and highest concentration of unicorn-est country in the world, the New York Americans are an undeniable example of why America is so great.  Furthermore, they sport an entirely purebred American roster… or do they?


When you listen to Chris Advantage, the general manager of the New York Americans, he almost obsessively praises Connor Low as the greatest defensemen ever, and the savior of the Americans.  Furthermore, Low is praised as home-grown talent, and viewed as an American for life.  Albeit, Low is a good player, but he represents one of the 3 true Americans to play for the New York Americans.  Tom Slaughter and Sam Keeling are the other two Americans playing entirely on a team of foreigners.


Odin Tordahl, arguably the best player for New York, is an American citizen, but he was born across the big blue in the Scandinavian country of Norway.  Eating mackerel and  (insert something that Norwegians eat), Tordahl is just as American as Kim Jong-Il.  Immediately after being signed by New York, Chris demanded that Tordahl change his citizenship to American in order to promote a falsified image of nationalism among his team.  Some of the other names that are deemed “Americans” include Xin Xie Xiao, an American born in Shanghai, Bennett and Brick Wahl, two Canadians who, in their early twenties, suddenly developed the urge to become American citizens, and Milos Denis, a draftee, who reportedly was told by Chris Advantage that, if he did not become an American citizen, would not be considered draft eligible by the New York Americans.


The reasoning behind this scandal is obvious.  It is simply great publicity to have an all-American team for the country to stand behind and support, but in truth, only 30 percent of the players on New York are American.

What about Boomgaarden?  Isn’t he American? 

According to his biographical information, yes he is.  There is one problem though; No record of his birth exists in America.  His name fits the origins of a Scandinavian country, and so does his fair skin, blond hair and blue eyes.  Albeit that an American could easily have the same traits, Boomgaarden has two parents from the country of Sweden, and there is documentation stating that his parents had not immigrated to America until two years after Boomgaarden’s birth.  With no relatives or close friends in America, it seems unlikely that the uncommonly named American player would have been born in America, but rather that this is a massive conspiracy by New York to create the illusion of a patriotic, national team.  This is a lie.  This is a scam.  This is VHL Conspiracies.


Tune in next week when we investigate whether or not Naomi Young is truly a female phenomenon.

Edited by edgar
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Lmao I was just about to say that pictures and shit aren't necessary when Courier New makes an appearance.

I debated whether or not to add pictures, but I figured a grader may deduct a point from me because of a lack of pictures and colors in my text

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I debated whether or not to add pictures, but I figured a grader may deduct a point from me because of a lack of pictures and colors in my text


I wouldn't have docked cause I think it really looks better without them but, yeah, the rest of the graders are jerks. 

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Content: 3/3 - I enjoyed every bit of this, content wise.

Grammar: 2/2 - I'd say there is some overuse of commas, although I wouldn't say any of them are "wrong," just unnecessary. I also hate that it is double spaced, but seeing as the styling leans more towards an typewritten letter, I suppose it fits. 

Appearance: 1/1 - Little things like the all caps header and double spacing (if you do this full time and not just for this article's styling, then fuck you. Double spacing should die) are subtle improvements that take away the need for other graphical additions. 

Overall: 6/6

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