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Claimed:Skates on the Ground: Part I [6/6]


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Skates on the Ground:

Down Through Earth



George “The General” Patton, now a minimally accomplished hockey player, has begun his search into a long and mixed up past. After a very strange interview last week, in which Mr. Patton had some very strange misconceptions about who he was, many critics of the General of the United States Army and “The General” of the Yukon Rush hockey teams have come out and said that George “The General” Patton of the Yukon Rush (and perhaps General George Patton of the United States Army, too) has lost too many of his marbles, useless within the confines of a hockey arena as anything but a peanut vendor.


The search began in Heidelberg, a town in Germany where the original Patton died. As he looked into things, why his namesake died became apparent. The official cause of death was pulmonary edema, which means that fluid accumulated in the parts of the lungs where the air is supposed to go, as well as congestive heart failure, which meant that his heart was suddenly unable to pump the amount of blood needed to supply his body with the oxygen whose place was being taken by the liquid that wasn’t supposed to be in his lungs.


“But why did he have all that bad stuff going on?” That question led The General  to dig a little deeper, to December ninth of 1945m when General Patton, Major General Hobart Gay (Patton’s chief of staff), and Private First Class Horace L. Woodring (a soldier who happened to be driving the car in which Patton and Gay were riding)  struck a very large truck that had turned in front of them in their 1938 Cadillac. Woodring, Gay, and Robert L. Thompson (the Technical Sergeant driving the truck) were uninjured, but General Patton smashed his head into a glass partition.


This didn’t seem like a very good reason to the hockey Patton. He set off in search of the three men, but alas, they’re all dead by now, because they were old in 1945. Saddened by this, he flew to Luxembourg, to the quarter of eastern Luxembourg City known as Hamm. Hamm is the location of the Luxembourg American Cemetery and Memorial, the resting place of General George Patton and many of his Third Army soldiers. It was a lovely place, with mowed grass and headstones that are maintained and kept nice. That, of course, wasn’t why George was there.


The young hockey player had brought with him a very nice x-ray machine, powerful and hard to carry around (and even harder to get through security). It was even harder to lug through a cemetery, to the site of the general’s grave, but that’s what he did. When he turned it on and lined it up, he found…

Absolutely nothing.



Come back next week for…





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  • Senior Admin

Content: 3/3

Hmm, very creative media spots you have been coming up with. This story of the two Pattons is getting interesting, and also somewhat confusing. Nonetheless, continue to do what you're doing!


Grammar: 2/2



Appearance: 1/1

Looks dandy.


Overall: 6/6

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