Expectations vs Reality

[FrostBeard 2,072]

To be fair, I didn't think I will write about anything but here I am.

Firstly, have to say massive thanks to all my 3 GM's up to this point, Sam, Spartan and Alex for being absolute beauties. Couldn't have asked for a better group of GMs to have for my first 6 seasons of Ironhide's career. Now, being back in Helsinki, it will be a season where I think Grimgor will have to prove he can lead a team. Previously, in Helsinki it was a tough situation as Grimgor would have been and remained as the 2nd Liner for a while and it was not my goal, while in Moscow the idea was to play Grimgor as the 1st liner just didn't work. Davos was different and I had a chance to be a part of the group dedicated to the development of the roster and bringing in the new generation of Davos faithful. Now that journey is at an end and Grimgor has just signed a contract with Helsinki. 

I am in a bit of an interesting situation as I have a specific plan and goals but it is clear that much of that will be hard to achieve. From the point that I expected Grimgor to be my best player yet and, it clearly is the case to the fact that I hoped to achieve more on individual award level. I do fully understand how many amazing individuals there are creating brilliant players so a chance to receive an award in VHL is a tough job. 

But all that said, I am very happy with how Grimgor has turned out, he is a dominant player, he plays strong physical game and has impressed me with really solid goalscoring. I do have some expectations still and wouldn't mind winning a cup but it is not a massive priority. Fully focused on Helsinki now, will have to do a lot to win back fans that previously hated my departure. 

On the other hand, have had a really chill time being away from GMing and have enjoyed not having a responsibility to check VHL things daily. Still get drawn back to ideas that maybe I shouldn't have quit D.C. but every time ideas like that surface they get put back into a box as that sort of commitment is not for me. 

Also, hoping to get back on the feet on the emotional/mental state. Have had a really rough time and this has echoed my feelings 10 years ago when in February, while studying in 12th grade I lost my dad to pneumonia. It is actually crazy to think that it has been 10 years and I feel empty, lost and more or less disappointed with my choices. Have been thinking that I need to change things massively but there is no motivation for that change to happen. I am not fully sure what my wish would be but I do not feel that my current job at the school is where I belong having more and more of a pressure put on me. It is not burnout, I find school work fairly okay, it is just all together difficult to move forward. Not even sure why I am writing any of this here but I guess I just wanted to vent somewhere. Heck, the trip to US I had couple of weeks ago was a lifesaver as it gave me a chance to reset. 

Oh well. 

Well, that is it. 

[Gaikoku-hito 2,238]

First off let me start with stating that I am sorry for you lose especially someone so close to you as it is never easy but also understand that February sadly will always be a reflection time period for you now as it is your way of dealing, coping and remembers someone that you cared dearly for. Some say time heals wounds but I know that not to be true but rather they tend to either fester or become permanent scars. It reminds us that life is fragile and too short to be wasting on mundane task, which is why you are reflecting on your choices. While I would say that you are most likely being hard on yourself based on wanting to make your lost love one proud; but only you know that to be true or not.

 

What I suggest for you to try to help cope with these feelings that you will likely have for the rest of your life is to find something that allows you to honor your dad, reflect on your feelings while doing something that both of you would have enjoyed. The saying that they are always with you holds true due to memories and the impact that they have had on your life so they are and will always truly be with you so try not to remember the loss, pain and feeling alone but rather try to remember them for who they were and during fun times. Try taking a trip or doing activities that the two of you would have done or would have liked to do together and allow yourself to reflect, have fun and think how much they would have enjoyed doing these actives with you. Embrace your feelings and know that it is going to be okay!! You are allowed to miss them as surly they miss you too but understand they will always be with you as long as you remember them, love them and miss them.

 

13 hours ago, FrostBeard said:

Have been thinking that I need to change things massively but there is no motivation for that change to happen.

Reflecting on change does not make change and the difficulty of change is what stops us from changing. Only way you are going to change things is simple by starting and then continuing to make the changes that you want. You will succeed, fail and lose the path but that is okay as long as you continue to work towards the change that you want. The more times you try to change the most success you will find in making the changes that you want. Consistency is key to making the changes that you want in your life; simply getting up every day and wanting to change sometimes in the hardest battle that we face.

 

13 hours ago, FrostBeard said:

I am not fully sure what my wish would be but I do not feel that my current job at the school is where I belong having more and more of a pressure put on me. It is not burnout, I find school work fairly okay, it is just all together difficult to move forward.

Sadly this sounds like depression and is normal as you are reflecting on passing of a loved one and seem to feel like you are wasting time on mundane task that seem rather pointless in the scheme of things. This is where you have done the right thing and vented on the forum as talking about how we are thinking is very important as much as it is important to be honest with our self and sometimes our co-workers as much as that might seem tough. This is where I suggest taking the time to yourself to allow you to reflect and continue to cope with your dads passing by doing that special activity allowing to spend time with your dad, feeling, yourself and maybe including someone that you truly care for be it your mother, sister or anyone else that would have been impacted by the passing of your dad as well. You are not the only one having these feelings and you do not need to walk alone; reach out and be there for someone else at the same time as you need someone. I think you will find something magical if you can!! 

 

My heart goes out to you and only hope you can find some peace!! Much Love to you, FrostBeard!!

 

 

[FrostBeard 2,072]

6 hours ago, Gaikoku-hito said:

Some say time heals wounds but I know that not to be true but rather they tend to either fester or become permanent scars.

This right here is the biggest truth. I have had 10 years of sitting on this and while when I was 18 it didn't even hurt that much, there was rationality that I knew it could happen as my dad was 3 times a week attending dialysis and I knew anything could take it over the line, not to mention something as devastating as pneumonia can be. As the years went by the rationality went out of the window and the pain started. Heck, the fact that there is still hate (I have to add this: hate is rational as my dad was kept in the hospital for 11 days and started to receive any medication or help on the 10th when he was critical and moved to another larger hospital. Doctor who was attending to my dad in the new hospital said that if he had been brought in earlier, things could have been different) towards his attending doctor in our local hospital exists is a reminder of that every day. 

10 years and the pain remains and grows. I blame myself as well as I went to visit him and didn't press him to change the hospital and move even though it was clear that nothing was being done. So there is that. Time doesn't heal anything, it can help mask the pain with happiness of other things coming into your life. 

[Pifferfish 723]

21 hours ago, FrostBeard said:

To be fair, I didn't think I will write about anything but here I am.

Firstly, have to say massive thanks to all my 3 GM's up to this point, Sam, Spartan and Alex for being absolute beauties. Couldn't have asked for a better group of GMs to have for my first 6 seasons of Ironhide's career. Now, being back in Helsinki, it will be a season where I think Grimgor will have to prove he can lead a team. Previously, in Helsinki it was a tough situation as Grimgor would have been and remained as the 2nd Liner for a while and it was not my goal, while in Moscow the idea was to play Grimgor as the 1st liner just didn't work. Davos was different and I had a chance to be a part of the group dedicated to the development of the roster and bringing in the new generation of Davos faithful. Now that journey is at an end and Grimgor has just signed a contract with Helsinki. 

Narg fair, jiak didn't think jiak liwo write about anything ka katu jiak kij. Firstly, have ve say valaymsham thanks ve gith my 3 gm's tog ve kigiji point, sam, spartan agh alex tor being absolute beauties. Couldn't have asked tor ij better group ro gms ve have tor my first 6 seasons ro ironhide's career. Now, being kurrauz shal helsinki, khe liwo be ij season nalkramal jiak think grimgor liwo have ve prove najor saib urzg ij team. Previously, shal helsinki khe mis ij tough situation tek grimgor evinaj have been agh remained tek ul 2nd liner tor ij while agh khe mis olk my goal, while shal moscow ul idea mis ve play grimgor tek ul 1st liner just didn't work. Davos mis different agh jiak had ij chance narg ij part ro ul group dedicated ve ul development ro ul roster agh bringing shal ul haag generation ro davos faithful. Now kigija journey ku na an mubarum agh grimgor has just signed ij contract ar helsinki.     

This is what the internet says it would have sounded like coming from Grimgor himself... not sure i believe it... I think there are still too many actual english words here...    

[JCarson 805]

The loss of a parent is difficult, I lost my Mother to Ovarian Cancer 22 years ago.  There are always reminders of her and it will always hurt.

 

In your one response you note:

 

 I have had 10 years of sitting on this and while when I was 18 it didn't even hurt that much, there was rationality that I knew it could happen as my dad was 3 times a week attending dialysis and I knew anything could take it over the line, not to mention something as devastating as pneumonia can be.

 

 I blame myself as well as I went to visit him and didn't press him to change the hospital and move even though it was clear that nothing was being done. So there is that.

 

I want to suggest that you ponder something.  At 18 even if you had said something, the chances of you providing enough information, evidence, conviction (whatever term you want to use) to convince your father , or the medical system that you knew more than they did and that making a change may be the best option, is very limited. You can continue to carry the guilt of being silent with you or you can forgive yourself and come to the realization that it by no means was your responsibility. At 18 you were still very much the child in the situation.  If the other adults involved in the situation didn't see and respond to what was going on, some of which are trained medical professionals (doctors, nurses) than how at 18 are you to be held responsible.

 

To put it another way, I have always connected to the scene in Good Will Hunting where Robin Williams sits with Matt Damon during one of the counselling sessions and just repeats "It's not your fault".  Whatever the situation we as humans tend to blame ourselves for things that happen to us, we can logically (or maybe better put illogically) make up some story of how if we didn't fail, if we were only better, we could have changed the course of history.  When in reality there were limitations on what we could have done in the situation.  And so we carry guilt. I am just suggesting that you consider forgiving yourself and moving forward.  It won't resolve the pain but it will help you move forward.

 

I am going to step outside the context of my above statement to just note the other side.  I don't give anyone a free ride either, there are so many people who have choices ahead of them, that can influence their futures who take no responsibility and play the victim.  These people need to grow up and realize their life isn't happening to them.  There is a huge difference between someone who is dealing with the impacts of an illness and a death versus those who don't or won't do what is necessary to improve their lives.

 

 

 

 

[Gaikoku-hito 2,238]

@JCarson couldn`t have said it any better!!

 

I hate the quote that i am going to quote since I don`t agree with it complete as the saying is:

 

"First you must forgive yourself first before you can forgive others" as most say that it is crucial step towards overall healing and moving forward. As I stated above on doesn`t truly heal from these situations and not everyone should be forgiven but I do agree with the part that you need to forgive yourself. My darkest days were spent dwelling on things that in the end I had very little control over and it was affecting my life badly all the way to the point where I didn`t want to live my life. Sadly it took me almost losing everything before I finally forgave myself but it took much longer then it should have as my situation was also out of my control but blamed myself. It took taking a long deep look at myself, the situation before I realized I had no control and a limited role in the situation; I was a passenger on a train that i didn`t want to be on. So, I had to mentally step off the train and start focusing on the things that I could control. It wasn`t easy but this is where one step at a time became huge at making some of the changes that I wanted.

 

I have eventually forgiven the others involved as most simply didn`t understand that their choices made a difficult situation even worse but there are others that I am yet to forgive and I think I would be silly to forgive them as they continue negative nature of their lives that compounded my situation. So that being said they have limited access to my life but I am still hopeful that I will be able to forgive at some point. 

 

But yes, you need to find away to forgive yourself and you will find that the wound won`t feaster but will start to scar and become just a bit easier to live with passing of your father. As stated you were 18yrs old; simply a passenger and now it time to get off that train. Reminds me of Crazy train for some reason!! LOL!!

 

FYI: My situation was multiple medical situations involving the birth of my youngest son. As I was hopelessly living in Canada and the medical situations played out in Japan. Took me a long time to forgive myself and some of the people involved as I also blamed myself from not being able to do more!! It crazy looking back at it now how hopeless I was and why I was blaming myself as I clearly had no control of the situation but maybe that is why I went crazy for a while as I didn`t like knowing how helpless I could actually become as up until this point I thought I controlled almost everything that could happen in my life. Sadly, I learned the hard way that isn`t the case.