Claimed:I Re-Rolled My TPE And I Liked It [Final: 6]

[Tagger 2,722]

DO NOT ENTER THE TPE RE-ROLL MACHINE WITH OTHER LIFEFORMS!

 

History was made this last offseason as horrible hockey player Edwin Encarnacion became the first player to take advantage of technology upgrades within the VHL Practice Facility and “redistributed his abilities” through the TPE Re-Roll Machine. The device, which comes with a three paragraph long manual, allows a player to become better in certain facets of the game in exchange for becoming less competent in other areas. A good example of how to use the Re-Roll Machine would be if a player who was previously a winger moved to the center position, he would need to improve his face-off abilities, so he could sacrifice a small amount of talent from the other facets of his game to become an asset at face-offs.

 

To the disappointment of everyone on the VHL Board of Governors (who had spent almost double their annual research and development budget on the TPE Re-Roll Machine), instead of having their milestone first use of the machine be on a player who actually intended to use the machine sensibly, the first man to pony up the ten million dollar fee was none other than the clinically insane Edwin Encarnacion. Naturally, Encarnacion had absolutely no intention of using the machine to become a better hockey player and instead used the machine to boost all of his physical attributes (such as Checking and Strength) to maximum capability at the cost of becoming completely horrid in all of his technical attributes.

 

That parrot is his only friend

 

Obviously this decision, along with joining the Stockholm Vikings (a team that was expected to struggle in Season 41), was made by Edwin in order to give himself the best chance at breaking seasonal penalty minute records while also giving himself a shot to shoot up the all-time career leaderboards for shots blocked, hits and penalty minutes. Considering those objectives, Encarnacion probably won’t have too many complaints about his overall performance this season in comparison to his peers, as he currently leads the league in penalty minutes and shot blocks along with leading all defensemen in hits.  However, he will probably be disappointed at his overall numbers, as he’s unlikely to challenge any seasonal records this year since his statistics pale to some of the defensive performances from the earlier VHL seasons. In terms of his all-time standings, his performances this season have boosted him to 14^th in all-time hits, 13^th in all-time shot blocks and eighth in all-time penalty minutes.

 

The big question though is if, from a hockey perspective, Edwin’s use of the TPE Re-Roll Machine was a bad move. With five-time Labatte Award winning defenseman Conner Low moving to the forward position, this would have been as perfect a time as any for Encarnacion to finally claim a personal award. While he was never great with the puck, Encarnacion was able to put up a decent amount of points to go along with his strong defensive statistics, which in turn saw him play in three All-Star Games along with getting a couple of votes for the Labatte Award in Season 39. With Encarnacion now possessing zero technical ability, he stands absolutely no shot at the award whatsoever, however the performances of a former teammate shows that perhaps Encarnacion would have been better off keeping his attributes where they were. Tony Stark, who played with Encarnacion in Seasons 39 and 40, has been the best performing defenseman to this point of the season, putting up 26 points in 19 games while also managing to keep up a comparable performance to Encarnacion in hits and shots blocked. Considering that Stark has not shown up to practices for a long time and was never as good a defenseman as Encarnacion in previous seasons, one has to wonder whether Encarnacion’s extreme approach to trying to get the stats that he’s after was worth blowing the opportunity to get recognized in the right way by his VHL peers.

[Victor 10,943]

You shouldn't compare yourself to Tony Stark. It's fucking Tony Stark.

[Higgins 3,618]

O buddy

[Molholt 2,185]

Content: 3/3 - You tend to have some of the most unique, and therefore interesting, articles in the league. Great work.

Grammar: 2/2 - I'm sure there are things, but I didn't see them in my first read through and I'm not going to nitpick if it doesn't slow up my reading.

Appearance: 1/1 - Works for m.e.

Overall: 6/6

[Kesler 1,514]

Claimed