Claimed:Encarnacion Is Given Leadership Role Within Calgary And OH JESUS CHRIST, THAT’S NOT HOCKEY! THAT’S NOT HOCKEY AT ALL! [FINAL 6/6]

[Tagger 2,722]

Austin Gow's first order of business was to sign Encarnacion...so he won't be hear long

 

When a team inherits a veteran presence entering the final year of his career, there is usually an expectation that the veteran is able to help pass on his experience to the younger players on the team. However, when that veteran is Edwin Encarnacion, a man who has zero interest in hockey and spends more time shitting in his pants than playing the game, you want to keep him as far away from the younger guys as possible. The Calgary Wranglers, who clearly didn’t learn from their past mistakes with Encarnacion, decided to ignore advice from all other parties and gave Encarnacion the role of assistant captain to the dismay of their fans. But what does Encarnacion plan on teaching the younger guys? We caught up with him around the time when the Wranglers were pursuing star free agent A.C. Savage to ask how he would help improve his game.

 

That's the face a man makes when he shits himself for fun

 

“Well, I hear the kids got talent, nahmsayin’? Heard he did a lotta good shit in the minors, but y’know you can’t just ride on what you learn in the baby school for the rest of your career, nahmsayin’? This is the pros dog, we do elite shit up in here and it’ll be my job to see that he can get up to that elite standard, ya feel me? Y’see, the minors is easy game dog, I don’t even have to try to get the full 15 nahmsayin’? All I gotta do is go to the referee’s and go “Hey, I think youse a piece of shit, I think your wife is fat, I think your kid is ugly as fuck and I’m gonna burn the shit out of you if you don’t eject me!” and bam, there’s your 15 PIMs and a standin’ ovation dog!” But in the big school, you can’t do that, the defenseman are too smart man, they can intercept what you say dog and turn it into a compliment man, it’s top tier shit nahmsayin’?

 

So you gotta go to other ways that you can get them PIMs man, and ain’t no better way than the motherfuckin’ unsportsmanlike conduct penalty man. Now, I know these rookies ain’t gonna know how to just shit themselves at the click of a finger y’know, so we’ll start with him havin’ a shit in his pants from the start of the game, but we’ll be workin’ in practice to get him shittin’ in the game at the click of a finger. Y’know it’s a steep curve man, learnin’ hockey is like learnin’ how to live your life completely differently yeah? Like, all your life your told “Oh, you can only shit here” and “No, you can’t shit there” and when you don’t listen them and you ain’t allowed within 200 miles of the state of Kansas, that’s a fuckin’ problem, nahmsayin’? But on that ice, it’s anything goes man, an’ you have to literally be prepared to shit anywhere and anytime if you want to succeed here. No one said this was gon’ be easy, nahmsayin’?”

 

Luckily A.C. Savage’s career will not be ruined by Encarnacion as he elected to join the Cologne Express, although there is a chance that he will be asked to remain in Seattle as there are reports that communication problems prevented Seattle from offering Savage a rookie contract, a failure that ultimately led the second round pick to become a free agent.

 

In other news, Encarnacion completely failed with his run as a Super Cup general manager…wait what, he WON IT?! Ok, no that’s enough, I’ve got to get off the LSD, because there is absolutely no way that I’m reading that right! 

[eaglesfan036 4,593]

ctrl f "goalie sack"

 

0 results found

 

0/6

[CowboyinAmerica 2,843]

Content: 3/3 - I liked the shit, nahmsayin'? Was some real talk you were layin' on these youngin's. Good writin' and all.

 

Grammar: 2/2 - That quote does not make my life easy.

 

won't be hear long = a shame to hear that he won't be here

life your told = life you're told

 

Presentation: 1/1 - Yup.

 

Total: 6/6

[CoachReilly 688]

Claimed