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Claimed:Sir, You're Going To Have To Pull Your Trousers Back Up


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Usually when a person sets fire to a company’s practice facility, threatens the life of three individuals in order to acquire a job within said company, makes an opponent urinate himself in fear and can barely play the sport they are paid to play, you notice when they’ve gone silent. That however has not happened in the case of Edwin Encarnacion, the former baseball star whose anarchic rookie season in the VHL single-handedly led to immigration out of Riga increasing by 1000% in the space of a year. One argument that you can make as to why people had perhaps forgotten about the Dominican is that since he got drafted to a VHL team, the story that people were interested in (A player moving to a new sport without any prior experience) had reached its conclusion, leading to a large drop in media coverage around the former baseball star.


That lack of coverage may well end soon though as Edwin Encarnacion today spoke up about a controversial article that was scheduled to be printed in the VHL Magazine. The article, of which the author’s name has not been released, focused on what would happen if there were to be a re-draft of the Season 35 VHL Draft. It appears that Encarnacion is unhappy with the way that the author has spoken about Encarnacion’s involvement in the draft itself. A quote from the article reads as follows:


 “So what would happen if we were to restart the Season 35 Draft? Well, for starters, the GM Victor Alfredsson would introduce Edwin Encarnacion onto the stage. Mr Alfredsson would then handcuff him to the podium and issue instructions to the fans to throw whatever objects they were happy to dispense with at Encarnacion, to the point where he would be barely conscious. It would be at that point that the rest of the Season 35 rookie class would be brought onto the stage to beat him up into unconsciousness. With the Dominican completely defenceless, Mr  Alfredsson would then set the body of Encarnacion on fire. Once it is clear that Encarnacion is no longer a living entity, his body would be cut up and the draft would continue with the first overall selection.”




While most would agree that this is perhaps the very least that Encarnacion deserves for disgracing the VHL, the Dominican has reacted angrily to the article.


“Y’know man, that just ain’t right, nahmsayin’? Y’know I really don’t get why fools think they can pick on me man. Sure, maybe I haven’t lived up to expectations, I’ll give him that nahmsayin’?  And I’ll give him the fact that when I’m on the ice, I should probably spend more time on my skates than I currently am, I get that. But c’mon man, find me a guy who can find the penalty box quicker than the Encarnacion Express. Go on, find him man. No, go! See you ain’t runnin’ to find nobody, and the reason is that I am the very best at what I do, nahmsayin’? This fool be trippin’!”




We managed to get a word with the editor of the VHL magazine to get his response to the article and Encarnacion’s criticism’s.


“After reading the article, we realise that the author may have made a mistake in their judgement. It’s pretty clear when you read the article that cutting up Encarnacion’s body after he’s already been slain is an unnecessary action and one that the commissioner would not need to bother himself with. That was the problem right?”


Luckily for Edwin, there would be no reason for the VHL to actually to a re-draft of the Season 35 VHL Draft. Although, I dunno, can we? I mean ok maybe we can cut out the thing about the body getting cut up cause that’s pointless, but I think we’d all love to see Edwin have stuff thrown at him right? Maybe we can even skip the burning thing and just make an annual event where we invite Edwin to a room with two thousand fans, he gets handcuffed to a podium and then we all throw stuff at him? That’s ok isn’t it? Or we could use that to open each VHL Rookie Draft, and then we’d get that year’s rookie class out to punch Edwin into unconsciousness. Well, if you get any ideas as to how else we can hurt Edwin Encarnacion, you let me know ok?

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Content: 3/3 - This was absolutely glorious. Don't stop submitting these. Ever.
Grammar: 2/2 - Not that you were going to get anything less than a six anyway, but regardless...
immigration out of Riga = emigration out of Riga
Mr Alfredsson = Mr. Alfredsson
realise = realize
Appearance: 1/1 - Paint graphics ftw.
Overall: 6/6 - YES!
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