John Scott

Already made the worst decision of the year. #StabbyForMVP

HEYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!! *drinks heavily

3-1 Watchmen

Lynx Roayls Wild

TIM TEBOWGOW v. SAM TEIBERT Who's The Top Star So Far? by Dick Shivers The VHLM – Where stars are born. We’ve seen our fair share of breakout seasons in the minors, but the recent play of Bern’s Tim TebowGow and Brampton’s Sam Teibert have risen to near-impossible levels of stardom. Through 24 games, let us take a close look at their stats and see if we can decide who really is the best player in Season 43. TIM TEBOWGOW: 24GP; 22-41-63 +42, 42 HITS, 20 PIMS TOI 28:36, 13.02 SHT % Tim TebowGow is a quick, playmaking center out of Oslo, Norway. Listed at 188lbs and a generous 6’0”, TebowGow is reminiscent of a young Patrice Bergeron or Jonathan Toews: his passes are spot on, his back checking is solid and he can make a move or two with the puck on his tape. TebowGow’s hockey IQ is exceptional, and he always knows when to make the smart pass to give his teammates an open net. Tim TebowGow has proven this season that he’s not afraid to shy away from the physical game. Registering 42 Hits in 24 games, TebowGow has gotten to the dirty areas of the ice and has been rewarded with the back of the twine on numerous occasions. His current 13.02 Shooting Percentage is a testament to how committed this speedy center is to getting the puck to the back of the net no matter what it takes. SAM TEIBERT: 24GP; 29-38-67 +37, 14 HITS, 6 PIMS TOI 27:43, 12.89 SHT % Sam Teibert, the Canadian offensive forward, is a natural-born center, but his team’s decision to shift him to the wing this year has paid off in spades for the young player. Teibert is leading the league in points, shots taken and face-off percentage. He finds himself second in goals and assists, which is a testament to just how well rounded this player is in the opposing zone. What’s most surprising is this stat: for every 20 minutes Sam Teibert is on the ice, he puts in more than 2 points. What a hot streak Teibert has found during the first third of this season. COMPARISONS TEAM PLAY TebowGow makes a desperation pass to set up Josh Merica for the go-ahead goal. The first indication of a truly great player is one who can enhance the abilities of their linemates, and TebowGow and Teibert are no exceptions. Berlin’s Josh Merica has had great success this season finishing on TebowGow’s play, and Brampton’s Valentin Taneyev and Travis Wilcox have played their roles perfectly to give them the top spot in the league. With Teibert sharing the wealth a bit more than TebowGow, POINT TEIBERT. TWO-WAY GAME TebowGow steps up hard against Bratislava's Stabby McFullO'Schmidt on the backcheck. In the VHLM, it is imperative that your star forward can play 200 feet. While offensive prowess is important to these young studs, backchecking and playing a responsible game is a sign of positional depth and awareness about the game that translates better to the VHL than simply outplaying slow, aging defenseman throughout the VHLM. While the points total is a wash this early in the season, TebowGow’s +42 is a noticeable improvement on Teibert’s +37. While many will attribute this increase to the likes of Chuck Goody and a stronger defensive corps in Bern, I would still argue that TebowGow has hustled more to get involved in the play, make the hits when needed, and win faceoffs at a consistent rate in the defensive zone for his squad. TebowGow has also skated on the first penalty kill unit, while Teibert has been relegated to second pair minutes. Perhaps from playing off his teammates, TebowGow has shown himself to be more defensively aware and willing to be responsible in his own zone. POINT TEBOWGOW. STAR POWER Teibert dangles four skaters and Holy the Goalie to put away his 24th of the year. Star Power: The “It” Factor. For a player to be a star, he must always be making things happen while he is on the ice. Both of these players fit the bill, but our question is deciding who is constantly and consistently carrying the play for their teams. Tim TebowGow is posting 1.84 points per 20 minutes played. He’s shooting just above 13%, and he’s accumulated 19 points on the powerplay in 70 minutes. This is an amazing spread, but it doesn’t rise to the level of Sam Teibert this season. We’ve already mentioned that Teibert is scoring over 2 points per every 20 minutes played, but when we look a bit deeper we see that he’s posted a 7-16-23 spread with under 100 minutes played on the powerplay. Furthermore, Teibert seems to be taking matters into his own hands; posting 36 Powerplay shots to TebowGow’s 23 in only 26 more minutes. (A difference of .375 Shots/Minute to .329 Shots/Minute) And this isn’t just on the powerplay; TebowGow’s shots per minute at even strength are at .246, while Teibert’s shots per minute at even strength are .338. While Teibert’s shot percentage is just a hair under TebowGow’s (12.89% to 13.02%), he’s hungrier for more goals and creating more opportunities directly off his tape. With only 3 assists separating TebowGow and Teibert, it seems clear that Teibert’s “Shoot First, Ask Questions Later” mentality has paid off for him thus far this season. Teibert is making the most of his opportunities by making things happen. POINT TEIBERT. CONCLUSION Both Tim TebowGow and Sam Teibert are going to be great in the VHL, but Teibert just barely edges out TebowGow for League MVP in the early-going this season. This might have to do with the stle of game each plays: TebowGow is much more interested in ensuring that no mistakes are made in his defensive end while Teibert’s only mission is to dangle and snipe it home. For TebowGow to find himself ahead of Teibert without switching his style, he’s going to need to play even better in his own end while maintaining or slightly raising his level of passing and playmaking. TebowGow can accomplish this by, perhaps, stepping in front of more shots, or looking for the Hollywood pass out of his zone to give his teammates a breakaway chance. But for now, the bragging rights go to Teibert. TebowGow and Teibert posing for pictures at their recent game in Bern. Word Count: ~1050

A NEW CHALLENGER APPROACHES The Untold Story of Stabby McFullO’Schmidt By Dick Shivers Stabby McFullO’Schmidt, the 6’8”, 240lb defenseman who is currently tearing through the ranks of the Victory minor league, has endured a long, winding road to make it to where he is today. I have had the chance to research Stabby’s strange upbringing to give you an exclusive look at his past, his present and his probable future. Let us take a look. FROM HUMBLE BEGINNINGS Stabby McFullO’Schmidt’s player profile lists his hometown as Vatican City. Now, that should not be confused with the Catholic papal state located in the center of Rome, although many make that mistake. Stabby was born in a dumpster behind a New Hampshire 7-11 that shared a parking lot with “Vatican City XXX”; a nude gentleman’s club that employed former nuns who had left the Church to explore their exhibitionism. The ladies of Vatican City XXX, never fully being able to give up their compassion, gratuity and understanding they learned in the Church, took Stabby in and raised him as their own. The ladies taught Stabby everything he knew: from reading and writing to working the cash register at the 24 hour Bacon Buffet (Except during Lent, when it was turned into a Fish Fry Bar). Stabby grew up without a name until age 5, when he took the sharp end of a crucifix and stabbed a John at the club who shortchanged the most beautiful dancer at the club: Angel Magdaline; earning his namesake in the process. From that moment on, Stabby was taught how to be a bouncer. Just as Stabby’s mothers took care of him as a baby, he took care of the dancers. His mothers quickly learned of Stabby’s penchant for Stabbing, and nurtured him into a man who knew when to take the knife into his own hands. “I was protecting my family.” Stabby confidently stated. “I learned from a young age that the world is a harsh place, and I had to grow up pretty fast. My mothers were the most caring people in my life, and I was lucky to use my talents in a way that helped them put bread on the table and support our little family.” With Stabby’s strange upbringing, it comes as no surprise that he failed out of the 3rd grade three times. Stabby was still allowed to continue his education, but that privilege was quickly revoked when he stabbed the son of a John who dumped one of his mothers just the day before. (Literal dump, in Canada. With no passport. He also shit on her chest and didn’t pay for it.) While Stabby will go to the grave justifying his actions, the School Board would never let him within 1000 feet of a school building for the rest of his life. Stabby turned full time to working the club. He learned valuable life lessons during his tenure at Vatican City XXX: including hard work, integrity, and how to pierce a John’s side vein so hard that he would need Viagra to get it past half chubbs ever again. Stabby was happy at the club; he was needed, he was smarter than anyone else in the building, and he truly felt like he had a home. A DARK TIME INDEED As all good times must come to an end, so did Stabby’s time at Vatican City XXX. While making a run for jalapeno chips on the day before his 18th birthday, he came back to find the entire club set ablaze. Through what most would call a holy fire or divine intervention (but was actually Tammy’s mistake for trying to up her showmanship with pyrotechnics bought (read: stolen) from the abandoned fireworks factory upstate mixed with an unholy amount of bacon grease saved for Tammy’s estranged boyfriend, Big Pig Rick. Fuckin’ Tammy.), Stabby was left with no home, no family and nowhere else to turn. “I lived there all my life and never got to truly experience what made Vatican City XXX truly great. It . . . I’m sorry. I just . . . I can’t believe it all had to end like that.” Stabby took odd jobs to make ends meet. He stabbed people for money, he stabbed people for food. He even stabbed someone for half a lobster roll that someone sneezed into. Stabby was forced to turn to his training to simply survive in the harsh world he looked to protect others from. Stabby was alone. THE HOLY RINK One day, Stabby came across what we in the stabbin’ business like to call a Whale. The frail, old man was carrying heavy, black bags outside of an abandoned warehouse when Stabby looked to do the only thing he knew how to do. Stabby approached the man and went in for the first blow when the man screamed bloody mary, errm, I mean murder. Bloody Mary was actually a dancer at the club and I don’t feel comfortable talking about how she earned her name. But he screamed bloody murder. “Don’t do this… I can help,” the man pleaded. “I know you’ve had a rough life, but you can stab people for money, for power, for fame. Just… give me a chance.” Stabby, in a move that surprised literally no one, decided to stab him anyway. However, since Stabby needed contact lenses and could never get them in (see the stabbing), he missed and struck open the bag. Inside there were hockey skates, pucks, and sticks. He reached down to pick up what he thought was a lobster roll when he grabbed gloves. “What are these?” Stabby asked. “The key to your future.” The man replied. Stabby spared the man and he took him inside the abandoned warehouse. Inside there was half of a hockey rink and a Quiznos that somehow hadn’t closed yet. Stabby became the apprentice to the old man; learning how to skate, how to hit, and most importantly, how to fight. Stabby lived on a cot in the corner of the rink and practiced every single day. The old man would come out and teach Stabby the fundamentals, from slew-footing, stick slinging and the occasional jumping hit to target the head. Stabby was a force to be reckoned with, and his natural ability for stabbing was a catalyst for playing angles and delivering deadly blows. He was going to be a legend, the old man just knew it. THE END OF THE ICE, THE BEGINNING OF… NEW ICE Stabby woke up one morning and the old man was nowhere to be found. Stabby had grown accustomed to the sound of his skates on the ice to wake him for practice, but today was different. Stabby looked throughout the rink: in the stands, behind the pin-ups, at the Quiznos (“NO I DON’T WANNA TRY THE PESTO CEASAR ON PRETZEL BREAD; THAT’S FUCKING DISGUSTING). The old man was nowhere to be found. Stabby stepped outside for a smoke when he saw him: keeled over in front of his station wagon and gasping for air. Stabby ran to his side. “DON’T STAB ME,” the man screamed. “I won’t. Not this time,” Stabby recalled. The man was on his last leg. Stabby could tell that an ambulance would never be there in time, and the Quiznos employee’s CPR training was worthless because he just smoked weed with the dummy the whole time. “You’re gonna be a legend, kid. I put your name in for the VHLM draft. Do there what you’ve been working on for so long, and make me proud.” “But… I… I don’t. I can’t. I’m a fighter, not a player,” Stabby cried out. “Then just take as many of them down as you can. You’ll make it, I believe in you.” The old man was quickly heading towards the light. Stabby was in shock, but came to a quick realization. “What’s your name? I’ve known you for so long but I don’t know your name. SPEAK TO ME OLD MAN!” “The name’s Ted,” he said with his final breath. “Ted Lindsay.” TODAY Stabby vowed to make his mentor proud. Through a season and a half in the VHLM, Stabby has shown that he can not only fight, but play a mean game that is vital for success in the VHL. After going undrafted, Stabby signed with the Calgary Wranglers and hopes to one day make it to the big club to show to the world that Mr. Lindsay was right: that he will one day become a legend. WORD COUNT: 1425

Congrats!

3-1 Seattle

Game 51: ( ) Wranglers vs. Meute ( ) Game 52: ( ) Dynamo vs. Legion ( ) Game 53: ( ) Americans vs. Vikings ( ) Game 54: ( ) Expresss vs. Reign ( )

45 Bratislava Watchmen vs Brampton Blades 4-1 Watchmen

46 Yukon Rush vs Bern Royals 47 Moscow Red Wolves vs Oslo Storm 48 Saskatoon Wild vs Ottawa Lynx

Didn't know there was a minimum. We'll get that 6/6 soon enough! Thanks for your hard work!

McFullO’Schmidt Signs with Calgary by Dick Shivers Stabby McFullO’Schmidt’s career looks like it’s starting to turn around. Shortly after waking up from his coma, the Calgary Wranglers have signed the undrafted defenseman to a 3 ELC deal worth 5 million. Stabby is a player who’s, frankly, not very good. He’s had a rough past and didn’t impress too many people at the S44 Draft Combine. When he was left alone in the player pool after the draft had concluded, he drank himself silly and punched himself into a coma, which lasted approximately 2 months. “I hit rock bottom.” Stabby admitted. “I didn’t know what else to do with my life and felt that it would be best to punch out my rage, since I couldn’t do it on the ice anymore.” Since waking up, Stabby has gone on a tear in for the league-leading Bratislava Watchmen in the VMHL, posting 3 assists and a +7 rating through 8 games with the club. “He’s got a new sense of purpose; a stronger focus and better perspective on his career,” teammate Simon Valmount remarked. “I can’t wait to see him in the big league, because if he keeps it up . . . he will surely make it.” After putting pen to paper, I had a chance to ask Stabby why he decided to sign with Calgary: “Tim Tebowgow and Chuck Goody both reached out to me and have been huge pillars of support since recovering.” Stabby said to reporters at the signing press conference. “Calgary is a young team and they are devoted to developing my skills to their full potential . . . I know we don’t look like much now, but get ready VHL, we’re coming.” The 7’0”, 300lb defenseman will stay with Bratislava this season; as their hopes of lifting the cup seem high in the early-going. The blue-liner didn’t see much time in his first season, but hopes that a year in the minors will help his recovery and strengthen his game as he anxiously awaits the trans-Atlantic flight to take him to Calgary. “I heard it’s cold there,” Stabby joked. “It’s not going to deter me from dropping the gloves, though.” Stabby is signed with the Wranglers through season 45. Here are the details:

Accept! Proud to be a wrangler.

Stabby McFullO'Schmidt -- Brats

STABBY McFULLOSCHMIDT ROOKIE PROFILE: The One Man Wrecking Crew by Dick Shivers Stabby McFullOSchmidt, the Bratislava defenseman who’s hometown is listed as “A Dumpster Behind a New Hampshire 7-11.” The 7’0”, 300lb defenseman is an absolute wall on the ice, and a wrecking ball for the opposition. The 23 year old had high hopes for the VHL, but since going undrafted, found himself drinking three bottles of Canadian Superior and punching himself in a blind rage. It was unsure that McFullO’Schmidt would ever play again. Stabby McFullOSchmidt finally came out of his coma and has slotted back in on the Watchmen roster. I had a chance to watch some exhibition games featuring the young bust, and we’ve seen a lot of promise coming from the defenseman. STRENGTHS 1. FIGHTING – Stabby McFullOSchmidt is a fighter at heart. The defenseman is never afraid to drop the gloves and take one for the team. Whenever the Bratislava stars are targeted, or there’s another enforcer on the ice, Stabby will make them pay with the 5-Finger Form of Justice – Open-Mindedness, Respect, Integrity, Passion and Punching. Stabby just loves to stab, but ever since he tried to sneak a shank into a game against Moscow, he’s had to resort to the most violent form of aggression the league will allow. 2. CHECKING – When Stabby isn’t dropping the gloves, he’s throwing the body. Stabby doesn’t even care where the puck is on the ice: if your head is down, he’s gonna make you eat the ice. Stabby has perfected his checking method by forcing his arms up and out, using his elbows in a way that’s not technically a penalty. He even hit the ref in one game. Watch out for Stabby because you won’t like him when he’s angry, and he’s always angry. 3. SKATING – Probably the only real hockey skill that Stabby possesses is his ability to skate up and down the ice. Probably because he’s gotta get back into position so he can get out of position to deliver a crushing bow or agitate the opposition. Stabby’s skating is no joke: he can really hustle. WEAKNESSES 1. SHOOTING– Stabby couldn’t hit the broadside of a barn. Hell, Stabby probably couldn’t hit the broadside of a high school. Not that he would know; Stabby only has a 3rd grade education. Too much fighting. But when it matters, when Stabby knows he can rocket the puck into the eye of his rival, Stabby always hits his mark. Or the boards. He’s really not very good. NO IMAGE FOUND 2. PUCK HANDLING– Stabby doesn’t do well with the puck. Everytime it’s passed to him, he gets tripped up, says Fuck It, and goes after a member of the opposing team. Every. Single. Time. Don’t expect any dirty dangles from this defenseman. 3. FACE OFFS – One time, Stabby was called into the dot when the rest of the forwards got kicked out. Instead of trying to win the puck, he shanked the opposing center. Let’s just say that Stabby has no interest in the puck whatsoever.