Tsbagsuph

Despite being drafted, I'll be boycotting this event in protest of a lack of black and african-american representation. I hope my brothers will join me

FAMILY VISITS TO HELP KENDRICK E. TSBAGSUPH-DIKS TRAIN FOR THE YSG Kendrick E. Tsbagsuph-Diks is expected to compete in this year’s Young Stars Game and his family has come to town to celebrate. Aside from his father and mother (whose names cannot be remembered at this time), Kendrick’s three brothers, Phil E. Tsbagsuph-Diks, Jack E. Tsbagsuph-Diks, and Daniel E. Tsbagsuph-Diks all came to town to visit Kendrick. Now I know what you’re thinking. Why do all of their middle names begin with the letter “E”? Well, apparently their father lost a bet at a young age, their father lost a bet with Exxon Mobil Corp. The bet: Could Mr. Tsbagsuph stick a piece of tinfoil in his peehole and the other piece in an electrical socket and not pull out for 5 whole seconds. The stakes: If Exxon won, all of Mr. Tsbagsuph’s children must have the middle name Exxon. If Mr. Tsbagsuph wins, he gets a ham and cheese sandwich. Needless to say, he lost, but I digress as this is not really crucial to the story. Jack, Daniel, and Phil E. Tsbagsuph-Diks from left to right. With Phil, Jack, and Daniel in town, the three of them planned to go celebrate be attending a Swiss strip club. Unfortunately, everything in Switzerland is really, really fucking expensive, and nobody could afford the entrance fee, forget about the cost of an actual lap dance. Instead, they decided to go to the hockey rink and help Kendrick train for the upcoming YSG game. Kendrick’s brother’s skills in hockey were varying. Phil is quite an accomplished figure skater. In fact, he played Hanz in the Disney edition of Frozen on ice. Unfortunately, his only experience with a stick is with his homo-erotic lover’s dick (his lover’s name is known as Mr. Power, presumably because he is the top in the relationship. While we don’t know for sure, we also assume he is a bear and that Phil is a twonk). Daniel doesn’t have any experience on ice, but he routinely roller skates at local discos in California. Once again, no experience with a stick. Finally, Jack is a world class ringette player meaning he has experience with a stick and using skates. Unfortunately, he was awful at hockey. Frozen on ice. You should watch it. It is a good show and fun for the whole family. Throughout the entire evening, Kendrick tried to work on his passing with his brothers. Daniel was not able to stand, Phil couldn’t hold his stick properly, and Jack kept trying to take the pass by stopping it on the top of the puck. Instead, Kendrick thought that he could practice his shot. Phil tried going in the net but didn’t have any equipment. A light shot hit Phil in the shin and he went down. A stretcher was needed to take Phil to the hospital. It turned out that Phil had light bruising on the skin in front of his tibia. Phil's bruised shin. At this point, Jack and Daniel decided they were done for the day. Needless to say, Kendrick did not get any better or any more practice for the Young Stars Game. When this game finally comes around, expect an underwhelming performance from Kendrick E. Tsbagsuph-Diks.

Sorry, I'm a little late responding. I'm not interested

KENDRICK E. TSBAGSUPH-DIKS' BIRTHDAY PARTY Yesterday was a big, big day. Yesterday was Kendrick E. Tsbagsuph-Diks birthday. With the Young Stars Game approaching, the coach offered all of the players the night of to go and celebrate and it was a joyous occasion. That was until a major incident happened that all stemmed from a minor joke. Photo from the birthday party. Kendrick is wearing the rainbow shirt, with GM Hamilton presenting the cake, and Ted Doughty in the red hat acting a little too excited. Thor Odinsson was grabbing a round of drinks, Kai Roberts asked for a Jack and Coke, and Thor asked if Pepsi was okay. Like any rational person, Kai said it was fine, and the team continued socializing. When Thor returned, he gathered $5 per drink from each teammate (because he’s cheap like that), Kai handed him $5 and accepted his drink, only to realize that he was exclusively drinking cola. Kai asked what happened to his drink and Thor responded, “You said Pepsi was ok”. Kai, perplexed, said the drink tasted like it was only Pepsi, to which Thor stated, “Nope, it’s a Pepsi and Coke”. Naturally, you would assume that Kai was outraged that a) Thor didn’t get him any liquor for his drink and b') that he was charged $3 too much for a soft drink (really, the whole team is fucking cheap), but that wasn’t the case. Kai laughed. It was Jacob Worboy who threw a whiskey glass at Thor, shattering as it hit him in the head, and opening a large gash directly above Thor’s eye. He yelled, “HOW FUCKING DARE YOU TAINT THAT PERFECTLY GOOD COKE WITH THAT PEPSI SWINE! YOU LOKI-NUT GOBBLING MOTHER FUCKER. YOUR FAMILY TREE MUST BE A CACTUS BECAUSE YOU’RE A FUCKING PRICK. THIS IS WHY PEOPLE TALK ABOUT YOU WHEN YOU’RE NOT AROUND! BECAUSE YOU ARE A FUCKING DOUCHEBAG IDIOT WHO THINKS HE’S FUNNY BUT YOU’RE FUCKING NOT. GO DIE!” God dammit Thor is attractive Thor ran away to bathroom as he was visibly upset and still bleeding from his eye. Kol Mikaelson, Thor’s line mate, took offence and stabbed Coca Cola in the hand with a fork. He stood up and let go a beastly scream, exerting his masculinity. Joe Shenanigans kneed Kol as he was screaming. Jeff Hamilton pulled a knife on the team, yelling at everyone else to calm down or else “BITCHES GONNA GET STABBED”. Kendrick left the scene to check on Thor. Thor was still visibly upset, trying to wash his wound by splashing it with water from a bidet. Thor claimed that he was fine, so Kendrick used the stall beside him to have a quick fap. Unfortunately, this is when Ted entered the bathroom. It is unknown if he has entered the bathroom to check on Thor’s condition, or if he followed Kendrick. It didn’t matter. Once he heard Kendrick fapping, Ted kicked Thor in the ribs, fracturing two of them, in order to open up the bidet so he could stand on it and look over the stall at Kendrick going to town. Upon seeing this, Kendrick promptly pulled up his pants and barged out of the restaurant. Video footage retrieved from Ted's cell phone. While unable to confirm, it is believed that this is footage of Kendrick E. Tsbagsuph-Diks Needless to say, practice the next morning was awkward. Jacob and Thor, who now had two broken ribs and a scar above his eye, wouldn’t look at each other. Ted wouldn’t stop looking at Kendrick. Kol had an extra-large, extra-protective jockstrap on. GM Hamilton was wearing oven mitts attached to his hands with duct tape to prevent him from holding a knife. It was the worst practice in Bern history, but you gotta tear it all down before you can build it back up. That’s what Bern has done. Everything is destroyed, but it is ready to be repaired in order to push this team into cup contention and ultimately get these players read for both the playoffs and offseason festivities. Meant for the 12th to 19th.

I think he is trying to slander my name!

In the future, please use my full name. The middle initial is part of what gives my name its prestige.

This media spot is a thank you to Ted for creating my bottom picture

KENDRICK E. TSBAGSUPH-DIKS FIRST WEEK IN BERN Kendrick E. Tsbagsuph-Diks has been in Switzerland (I think that is where Bern is but too be honest, I’m too lazy to google it) for a week and so far, has done nothing but go to team practices and masturbate in the toilet stall while the team performed shooting drills. So far, Kendrick has expressed frustrations with his current team. According to rumours, Ted Doughty keeps knocking on his bathroom stall offering to help rather than leaving Kendrick to masturbate in peace. I know what you are thinking. Just last week, Kendrick said he had contracted STDs from guys and girls (because he’s open and cool like that) and thus Kendrick shouldn’t care. Well, according to previous interviews with some Bern players, Ted tends to be really, really clingy. Like, the guy doesn’t know how to give his teammates enough space. In fact, his longest known relationship was only 3 days because his ex-girlfriend (if you can even call her that after 3 days) could not stand his shit anymore. Due to this already difficult relationship, Kendrick has asked that he be seated as far as possible from Ted during games so he can give himself a pocket jerk in peace between shifts. Respecting his new teammate’s wishes, Viljo Metsala has offered up his 6’2” body to act as a visual screen from Ted. Unfortunately, Kendrick is still stressed and it is showing up in his on-ice performance thus far. Kendrick has only produced 6 points over 18 games, far below the pace needed for his projection of 69 points over the entire season. When whoever the GM of Bern was asked about the frustrations between Kendrick and Ted and how it was affecting the team, he said, “Please don’t talk about it. It’s weird, I don’t like it, and I just keep reminding myself that I only have to deal with this for another half season before this will be over forever. In the meantime, don’t write stories about it or bring attention to it. I just want to manage a hockey team and don’t want to deal with any of this gross-ness.” An artist's rendition of the Bern GM As the quote above confirms, this is a very important issue to the team’s success that Bern’s GM wishes to get involved in to resolve quickly. While we do not have a status at this time, we will continue pursuing progress updates on the masturbation conflict in Bern. There is certainly no one better to ask. Aside from the aforementioned problem, Kendrick has been surviving in Bern. He has rented an apartment (which is hella expensive in Switzerland) and has enough to buy some rice and lychee fruit for nourishment with his remaining salary. Clearly his is living quite the high-life.

Woo, thanks! Once I figure out how to put it under my posts, you bet your dick that I'm going to use it!

so many difficult steps to follow

#2

Too late. I'm from Dildo

The Story of Tsbagsuph-Diks A new player is set to begin his VHL career. Kendrick E. Tsbagsuph-Diks is a left winger originating out of Dildo, Newfoundland. Known for his often phallic remarks, this article aims to provide a lighter, more personal overview of what life is like for this young phenomenon. Kendrick, often called Ken for short, grew up on the Eastern coast of Canada. He credits his father, Alexander Tsbagsuph, for his love of hockey. Alexander fled to Western Europe from Belarus shortly after the collapse of the Iron Curtain. It was here that he met his soon-to-be wife, Rose E. Diks. Rose and Alexander quickly fell in love, often finding their stunningly different cultures to be a major source of attraction. After a night of passionate love-making in 1993, Ken was consummated. Immediately upon hearing the news, Alexander saw an article highlighting the abundance of cod fish in Newfoundland and proposed the couple move to create a successful life for their soon to be child. Freakishly, Ken was not birthed until 1998, where he weighed in at 38.6lbs. Throughout his childhood, he seemed to excel at sports. Notably in hockey, it seemed like he was consistently the biggest boy on the ice and had strides far greater and stronger than the rest of his team. Due to his inherent advantage, Ken played at left wing, forcing himself through the boards and taking shots far harder than his competition. Naturally, at 6 years old, he was the cream of the corn. It was at this time that Ken landed his first girlfriend, Suzy. Despite her nickname on the schoolyard as Suzy Floozy, Suzy and Ken did nothing more than hugging, though this may be big potatoes for 2nd graders. By the 5th grade, Ken and Suzy’s handholding had become stale. As such, Ken moved on to a 9th grader named Becky. Becky would come to all of Ken’s hockey games, and after a while, Ken had enough rapport to play with Becky’s older brother in road hockey. Due to his sudden exposure to a higher level of skill, Ken was able to greatly advance his game. He learned that he will not necessarily be the biggest individual on the ice and decided to begin working on his skills instead. It was now that Ken learned how to deke and gained an understanding for the technique of passing. When he took this to the ice (as still the largest child), he excelled and was eventually moved up by two age groups. His fame spread quickly. Everyone wanted a piece of him. He contracted several STDs in the process from his fans (both guys and gals because he is open and cool about that sort of stuff). Since then, he has mostly hung out behind the bleachers smoking weed until now. Now, he is ready for the VHL!

Hey all, Wondering, what positions are in short supply? I figure the best way to start in this league is jumping in and making a player and then Ill figure it all out later.