Tsbagsuph

I have been advised by my council that the correct choice is Ottawa. Everyone else is a bastard and I now hate them. For further comments on my decision, please speak to my sponsor, Buzz Cola, the buzziest cola of all!

Hmm... I don't know who Robbie is so I don't really care about that from Oslo. A response will be coming tomorrow (or this weekend sometime)

full disclosure, I am not the most familiar with your processes... but... How likely is it that the draft can be reheld on the sole-account that I will be included. I think all of the GMs (8 of them? or is it 6?) would probably be okay with it. They all seem cool... except that one guy

Smarch, I've waited 12 minutes now. That is 24x longer than I've ever lasted in bed. Because you are so slow, I'm going to have to join Cologne (which includes a Ralph Lauren cologne sponsorship deal)

Player InformationUsername: TsbagsuphFull Name: Kendrick E. Tsbagsuph-CoxPosition: DAge: 69Handedness: LRecruited By/From: Would you like an experienced member to mentor you? YesPlayer AttributesTotal Points Earned: 30CK = Checking: 40FG = Fighting: 40DI = Discipline: 40SK = Skating: 40ST = Strength: 40PH = Puck Handling: 40FO = Face Offs: 40PA = Passing: 40SC = Scoring: 40DF = Defense: 40PS = Penalty Shot: 40EX = Experience: 40LD = Leadership: 40OtherJersey Number: 69Height (inches): 6'9"Weight (lbs.): 169Birthplace: Same place as his brother, I can't remember.Awards Participation medal in 400 meter sprint (1994) Biggest cock in Altanishburg, Norway (2014) Second smallest cock in Norway (2014) Other Career StatsPlayer MovementPast Players

Who wants it moar?

Darn

Kendrick E. Tsbagsuph-Diks Forward +/- Rating and Points

I'm gonna join Yukon!

So, my options are Bratislava or Oslo. Now's your chance. I'm 140 characters or less (including the hashtag), why should I play on your team?

Put two zeros at the end of that and we got a deal.

How much money do I get?

Where has he been? That is the question that everyone around the VHL has been asking... for a short period of perhaps a week about 4 seasons ago. BUT... Kendrick E. Tsbagsuph-Diks has a good reason for leaving the VHL. After being drafted by Calgary, they acted in breach of their pre-draft negotiations. Sure, Kendrick E. Tsbagsuph-Diks could have just sucked it up and played anyway, but he wasn't supposed to be the one sucking. So what went wrong? This: EaglesFan: What do you expect from me as your GM? Tsbagsuph-Diks: Handies on the regular. EaglesFan: You sound perfect. Sure, "You sound perfect" is not legally binding, but there was a clear understanding of each parties responsibilities. Kendrick E. Tsbagsuph-Diks would show up to practices and in return, EaglesFan was jerk off Kendrick on a regular basis. While the frequency was not determined, it has come to our attention that Kendrick expected at least 3 handies a week from Eaglesfan. So what has Kendrick E. Tsbagsuph-Diks been up to over these past few seasons? That's a good question. In fact, it's an excellent question that any VHL fan deserves an answer to as Kendrick E. Tsbagsuph-Diks was once touted as being a high potential mediocre player. In fact, he was drafted in the first or second round of the season forty-something draft. That is a pretty high spot for someone who has never played in the VHL before. As such, your curiosity is entirely justified as to Kendrick E. Tsbagsuph-Diks whereabouts. Well let me begin by telling you that he was not playing in the VHL. But I suppose you knew that if you are the VHL fan that we were referring to in the prior sentences. Should I need to clarify that to the non-VHL fans. Of course not. They wouldn't be reading this article, so lets jump to the answer of the question of Kendrick E. Tsbagsuph-Diks and where he has been since we have established that you are a real VHL fan. So, Kendrick E. Tsbagsuph-Diks was supposed to be at practices, but instead he was... you know what, before elaborating on his location, I should clarify that the team that there were expectations for Kendrick E. Tsbagsuph-Diks to show up to practices during the first season. Some people might assume that rookies get a little bit of leniency regarding practice because they need to acclimate to the professional and semi-professional league of the VHL and VHLM. Nosiree. Rookies don't get this privilege. So instead of attending practices every single day, Kendrick E. Tsbagsuph-Diks was doing something else In fact, he wasn't even in the arena. Nope, he was elsewhere. Where? Well, let me tell you. Oops, out of words for this Media Spot. Tune in next time for more on this gripping story.

Also, what has my player been up to over the last few months?

Guess whos back for a limited time only. Kendrick E. Tsbagsuph-Diks has shown up to the lockerroom for the first time in over half a year (probably… I don’t actually know how long I’ve been gone). There are a few things I really want to say. To give the appearance of an objective article, I will refer to my player in the third-person. Kendrick E. Tsbagsuph-Diks is really sorry for abandoning his team. In fact, Kendrick regularly thinks about the long steaming showers he had with all his athletic teammates while he is lying in bed. Kendrick will sometimes go to his local gym and do nothing but stand in the shower to be surrounded by naked, buff, and sweaty men all day, but he digresses that it is not the same to lathering up his teammates with soap and conditioners. He longs for those days again, and that is what has inspired Kendrick to return to the VHL.

I volunteer to fuck Higgins

What dickhead scheduled the draft at the same time as a Dallas playoff game?!? C'mon people!

I'd like to request a recount

KENDRICK E. TSBAGSUPH-DIKS LEFT OFF OF THE DRAFT RANKING BY KENDRICK This media spot will not have graphics because it is a serious topic. Kendrick E. Tsbagsuph-Diks is pissed with hockey analyst Kendrick, and with good reason. Kendrick, responsible for the VHL Scouting Center report, identified Kendrick E. Tsbagsuph-Diks as the 10th best prospect. This is considering a multitude of factors such as TPE, TPE, and TPE. Despite Kendrick E. Tsbagsuph-Diks being the 10th best prospect, he was not projected as the 10th pick in the draft, nor the 9th pick, nor the 8th pick. It is unknown where Kendrick E. Tsbagsuph-Diks was projected in the scouting report. Why did this happen? Kendrick clearly has a grudge against Kendrick E. Tsbagsuph-Diks. In this article, we will investigate a few possible reasons. 1) Tyson Kohler, the player of Kendrick, plays for the Cologne Express. They draft at 5th and probably don’t draft for a while (full confession, I haven’t looked at when they draft next). Kendrick is obviously not optimistic about the prospect of drafting Kendrick E. Tsbagsuph-Diks and is trying to talk him down in order to lower his value and pick him up at… maybe 17th overall??? 2) Kendrick hates Newfies. 3) Kendrick is still pissed about Kendrick E. Tsbagsuph-Diks sleeping with his sister. Kendrick E. Tsbagsuph-Diks slept with Jackie Kendrick, but to be fair, he did call her afterwards. He called her 6 times, left her 28 texts, tried to add her on Facebook, and searched for her on LinkedIn. So far, he has not gotten to her. Why won’t she call? I took her on a nice date. We talked, we laughed, I was a total gentleman. She had the lobster and I even paid for it. You know what? I don’t even care. She had a perfectly good thing and if she can’t acknowledge it, than she doesn’t deserve me. Fuck her. I have tons of options! I could date anyone I want. I will date anyone I want… I’m so lonely. 4) Tyson may be afraid of Kendrick E. Tsbagsuph-Diks’ skill. Due to this, he wants to push Kendrick E. Tsbagsuph-Diks’ expectations and media-hype as low as possible. Of course he wants to push his stock down. It’s a gutless move. It’s a move I’d expect from someone connected to Jackie Kendrick. Anyone associated with Jackie Kendrick is obviously the scum of the earth. In fact, I’m surprised Kendrick has the job as VHL scout. He and Jackie are probably addicted to meth or some other low-brow ghetto drug. Why won’t Jackie call? 5) I miss Jackie. 6) I would give her everything she could ever want. 7) I’ve bought a golden retriever on Thursday and called her Jackie. 8) Will she ever come back to me? 9) I’ve carved her name into my wall. 10) I know about Derek. I’ve seen him on your Instagram. 11) Is this because I farted at dinner? It was the chair, not me. I swear. 12) Just call me. I deserve another chance and I promise I won’t blow it. 13) God dammit, I’m calling in sick to practice tomorrow. I can’t be expected to perform with all this on my mind. If anyone wants to join me, I’ll be drinking Cognac in my underwear tomorrow. So these 13 reasons likely explain why Kendrick decided to leave Kendrick E. Tsbagsuph-Diks out of his top 10 ranking. Pretty biased and I expect more from employees of the VHL. Grow-up!

Wish I was in the top 10, but I'm okay since I saw my name twice in this article

And I offered you a pikachu pokemon card and a some milk poured into a Loblaws grocery bag. Asking for anything more is wholly unreasonable.

DRAPER IS A RACIST! DRAPER IS A RACIST. Sources have confirmed that Draper has refused the introduction of an expansion team because of regional discrimination based on deep-seeded racism. Yesterday, two entrepreneurs approached the league commissioner to propose a new team based out of Turino (may be misspelt according to Boom). Of course, Turino is in Italy I think. Is Draper racist towards Italians? No. How could anyone be racist towards Italians? They made pizza and spaghetti, one is the greatest food in the world and the other was pivotal to the success of the Disney film Lady and the Tramp. Nope, he is racist towards Asians. Draper's youtube channel's top video. The proposed team was called the Turino Tiger Tornadoes (or possibly the Turino Tigernadoes. The final team name has not been cemented as there is a power struggle between the two entrepreneurs and neither is giving up any ground on which team name should be used). The proposed team logo features a Mongolian tiger surrounded by a tornado. Draper, reportedly, refused the team because of the origin of both tigers and tornadoes. Proposed logo. Totally original and not found in the emoticons. As everyone knows, the Mongolian tiger originates out of Japan. It has yet to be confirmed, but apparently Draper went on a grade 7 field trip to visit Pearl Harbour and has never forgiven the Japanese since that day. Further cementing the claim that Draper is a racist, he refuted the concept of including a tornado in the logo. Why? Because tornadoes most commonly begin in Chinatowns across Missouri. Therefore, tornadoes are Chinese made and responsible for costing hard working Americans their jobs. Artist rendition of Draper. Media and I have been reaching out to Draper for comment, but he has not been in the chat room since last night. Purportedly, he is shying away from the camera hoping that this scandal will blow over. Will it? Absolutely not. I will continue to write weekly media spots about both the Turino Tiger Tornadoes and Draper’s racist tendencies until he makes an official statement. I will also begin making assumptions about Draper not liking other races, religions and feminists. Until then, let me tell you a little more about this dream team. An arbitrary picture of a guy grabbing his balls since I couldn't think of anything relevant. The team was originally to be located in Turino, but due to population density and a lack of available building space, the team would take up the common practice of building an area in a near, neighbouring village or town. As such, home-town sporting events will take place in Tunis. Also, the team will be nicknamed T-3 or T-cubed. Fans will be referred to as “Tignas”. What is a Tigna you may ask… I just told you. Literally read the fucking sentence before the question. So there you have it. Support for the new team is appreciated. Please encourage Draper to approve the welcoming of this new team and call Boom a dickhead for refusing to support the cause.

points and hits

KENDRICK E. TSBAGSUPH-DIKS ATTACKS THEO AXELSSON The most recent Bern Royal vs Saskatoon Wild game made headlines after a fierce 3rd period in which Kendrick E. Tsbagsuph-Diks and Theo Axelsson became involved in an aggressive scrum, eventually ending in a four-game suspension for Kendrick and two games for Theo. It started at 8:57 of the 3rd when Kendrick slow-footed Axelsson, earning a two-minute penalty. Axelsson was clearly displease because as soon as Tsbagsuph-Diks left the penalty box, Axelsson promptly punched Tsbagsuph-Diks in the back of the head. Theo received a five minute penalty over which Saskatoon scored a short-handed goal. During the rest of the penalty, the two were very physical, and when the game ended with a 4-2 for Saskatoon, Kendrick proceeded to baseball swing his stick at Axelsson’s helmet. Axelsson started convulsing, Tsbagsuph-Diks started skating away smiling. He eventually slipped, biting his tongue as he fell and losing 2 teeth. A violent fight between Theo Axelsson and Kendrick E. Tsbagsuph-Diks Aexlsson was unavailable for questioning, but Kendrick participated in a press conference immediately following the game. Media expected a prompt apology for Tsbagsuph-Diks’ actions on the ice. Instead, Kendrick insinuated that Axelsson had it coming. When one reporter asked “WTF?”, Kendrick started soeaking but his coach cut him off out of fear that he would say more incriminating things. The commissioner of the league has confirmed that the Bern Police Department has started a formal investigation into whether Kendrick will face criminal charges. The department is expected to make an official statement before Kendrick’s four game suspension concludes. Kendrick E. Tsbagsuph-Diks at the press conference Ted Doughty was visibly upset about the suspension. With tears in his eyes, Ted murmured, “He’s a good guy. No matter what he did, he is my soul-partner and he deserves better than this.” Kendrick denied all “soul-partner” claims and expressed that he would enjoy some time away from Doughty. Nonetheless, Doughty insisted that he will be checking up on Kendrick daily. If one lesson can be taken away from this incident, it’s that if Kendrick E. Tsbagsuph-Diks posts about his life, you should promptly review it and say that you reviewed it instead of waiting two and a half weeks. That is the lesson.

P.S. Phil, Jack, and Daniel are my brothers...