woog

See any shining examples of human kindness while you were there?

Jails with dead jailors aren’t particularly effective jails, right?

I assume that with everyone behaving like fine upstanding citizens this lovely day 1, there won't be any voting until day 2?

No, yours is just the good kind of evil.

I'm late to answer, but: IN. Discord joined. Thanks!

1. What are your thoughts on miamis most recent trade? We have no defence, but now, critically... WE HAVE KEITA KOUROU. The future is brighter. 2. Are you happy with your players performance so far? Keita has proven really good at getting traded, and being better on each new team. So, sure. 3. If you could change somthing about your player what would it be? I would only want Keita to be wanted. Clearly something about him is repugnant to GMs. 4. Is there any rules in the vhlm you think should be changed? Once a player plays a game for a team, that team should not be allowed to trade them without their consent for a full week. 5. Are you happy with team chemistry why or why not? Tough to tell, only just got here. But Keita is a scorer, and his line-mates seem to pass him the puck. So far, so good. 6. Do you think Miami will get a playoff spot? Yes. Miami must get to the playoffs for Keita's playoff revenge against Ottawa.

Lol - you’re not a villain of this story, just the dude with keys to the latest locker room.

Many thanks. A little well-intentioned revenge tour mockery for the teams that trade me away. [checks notes] - however unsustainable, 1.5 goals per game since landing in Miami looks pretty good, right? Might be nice having a winger who can do that, right, Ottawa? (Oh, wait. You don't believe in wingers)

Doctor Manfila Koité, Ph. D, esq., S.S.Q.P.M. Consul General of Mali, Americas North of El Salvador Hockey Player Agent El Centro, California To whom it may concern: I am writing today in my newly-minted capacity as the player agent for one Keita Kourou, a 16-year-old young man of my recent acquaintance. We are both citizens of the Republic of Mali: I am one living out a bureaucratic exile or patronage posting on behalf of the government of Mali (depending on your point of view), while Keita Kourou is living out his dream of being the finest ice hockey player in the history of our great nation. My understanding of my job as a player agent is that I have to complain when Keita wants to complain, to get him money when he needs money, and to get him the *$%# out of any hockey backwater when it becomes clear said hockey backwater is no longer a place in Keita's best interests. In my crash course of study on hockey, I have learned of advanced analytics that basically count how often good things happen and how often bad things happen, plus how often bad things are prevented. Clearly I am the best hockey agent by advanced analytics in the world, because Keita keeps getting traded out of *$%# places. Keita came to the Americas to pursue his dreams, starting in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan. He loved it in Saskatoon because, as he put it "ice stays frozen there", which he wisely determined was advantageous for hockey. Because this insane league has rules against happiness, Saskatoon had to release Keita after his rookie season, and then a barrage of strangers employed by rich businessmen interviewed him to see whether he should join their teams instead. He gets picked up by a team in San Diego, the "Marlins". The connection between ocean fish, who never know ice, and hockey teams, who depend on it, is not clear to me. Clearly, a place where hockey careers go to flounder (please feel free to consider that a bad pun). So the Fish trade Keita to Ottawa. Keita is excited. Keita is motivated. Keita is going away from a place where people surf and dream of getting away from the Mexican border and generally lack ice, and going to a place where there is actual ice: Ottawa, the second-coldest national capital on the planet. If you are a masochistic freak of nature national treasure with ambitions to succeed in Winter sports despite coming from a summer country, to return to a place of ice is a good thing. Keita's first four games for this Ottawa team (the Links, named for some internet thing, I believe) were a thing of beauty: one goal, one assist in four games. Not the best player in the world yet, to be sure, but already the best player ever from Mali. 0.5PPG! Advanced Analytics! This despite being on a team that, other than Keita, only had centers and defence players. So, of course Ottawa Link people blow it. Ottawa barely invited Keita to their locker room in time to ship him off again to a place of eternal summer and illegal immigration across southern US border: this time it's Miami, and the team is called Marauders. Again, the team has balance issues. This time, instead of all centers and defenders, the Marauders are a team full of wingers, with only one center and one defender. But Keita Kourou is not a young man easily suppressed by crap roster construction. He arrives in Miami and scores twice as many points in half as many games in Ottawa. That's twice as good as being twice as good - advanced analytics! Anyway: Miami team @nurx: congratulations on your young and hungry Malian star. May you take him far, may he take you far. If you could kindly show him where the locker room is before his third game with you, that would be lovely. Regards, [signature] ____________________ Manfila Koité, esq. [663 words]

The Keita Kourou revenge tour begins here. Seems .5 PPG wasn't enough for Ottawa, who told me I was on the team, then promptly traded me away again without even telling me. Miami, fuel my rage to make me your monster.

1 i Keita Kourou still no little of this new place. I hear players say strange play hockey in place of summer, but I come from desert so hockey team here work for me! 2 I no understand Marlins. How name hockey team after big tuna fish? What ocean fish have to go with ice hockey? No amount of explainings from team people’s makes this makes senses. 3 here in Sandy Ego there is surfing! Riding down big salt water like riding down sand dunes at home in Sahara. I surf all off-season. Do water dunes freeze? 4 VHL confuse place. So many peoples talking saying things that not hockey. So much moving team to team. Like abducting schoolgirls back home. Now I am schoolgirl abducted from Saskatuna to Sandy Ego. All sport is slavery. 5 I want skate like Wayn Gritty but African and handsomer. 6 no pizza topping ever as good as camel shoulder. Trust me.

Hello! I am Keita Kourou, best every hockey on ices player from Sahara Desert! I come long way from learning skating by running down dunes in Mali and clubbing sister's heads with stick. I finish play hockey with Saskatuna Wiled. All happen so fast. Missionaries brought me to Canada, got to arena joined team, played off (is that right word for end of year play?). Then very fast Saskatuna say GOODBYE and I no longer Wiled. New hockey on ices team says they take me in tournament. But I just finish tournament with Saskatuna so I afraid this means no more hockey. But I still dream of play like Wayn Gritty or Mary O'Lummox so now that I in country with always winter and big ice gladiator houses I think better I play all hockey on ices I can. So I play in tournament hockey with team called STEEL against teams with even worse names than Wiled or Steel. Pickles? What pickles do with hockey on ices? I do no no. Any way. Steel hockey end like Wiled hockey; tournament losings. Now must wait for next hockey, and here come other North Americas hockey thing I no no: a draft. I no being part of group where head of group in charge. Big man thump dad? Big man your new dad. Bigger man thump new dad? Newer dad. Bigger dad. Familiar in desert. But in Americas, big men no thump small man, big men sit around tables and chooses players for new hockey clubs. Why no use violence when hockey violent sport? I no no. I hears from four teams, Messysoggy, Ottawand, Sandy Ego, and some other I forget because I still learn my phone using. I hopes some team sees in me little African kid next Gritty or O'Lummox. I am Keita Kourou and I come long way be good hockey player. I go longer way yet.

So Keita Kourou is toiling 60 straight minutes at Left Wing every game, right? AWSUM

Hello to you Canadas and Muricas hockey players! I m new to your league and have this week just landed in Saskatuna to play first hockey games on real ice! Imagine luxe to live in country where ice is free and plenty full? Is long dream of me. My name is Keita Kourou and I am sixteen years age best hockey player from Mali EVER. If you no know, Mali is country with much much desert and few few ice. I learn play hockey because sisters had field hockey sticks from missionary my father killed on sight, so played many happy games of club sisters with field hockey stick as child. Then I learn club in field hockey can only use one side of stick and use wifi in Tombouctu to find better way. Better way is hockey on side of giant ice cube. Internets agree this. I research this hockey on ice with internets and learn more of it. Soon I club my sisters on head with BOTH sides of stick equal. One day papa say I club sisters too much and club me until I run away. I run to desert and learn to slide down dunes like ice cube skaters on internets. I steal little ice cubes from Tombouctou tourist drinks, tie them to old socks and pretend skating down dunes until ice melt and socks wet. One other later day I meet missionary without Papa to kill missionary. Missionary see me with stick and hear my dream to play on giant ice cubes of Canada like Wayne Gritty and Mary O Lummox. Missionary say he bring me to Canada to learn me hockey things and more things. I consent and leave desert home of Mali. Missionary talk too much of things not hockey, so I club him with both sides of hockey stick. He abandon me in place of Church Chill, Many Toe Ba. I meet polar bears, I stand on ice cube big as horizon and smile big smile as buttocks freeze for I have find place of natural hockey. After mythical sickness called hippo therm you, I wake in hospital in Saskatune. Doctors say I cured. Head doctor say I strange. But nurse say I healed more when holding hockey stick. So she give ride to hockey temple of Saskatuna. Now I Saskatuna Wild. I learn moving on ice with skates. I learn moving on ice with pads. I am fast because desert learnings. I need fast because I 16 and grown men club me with stick harder than I club back. Biggest learning is play hockey with team. Sliding down desert dune is lonely hockey. Move fast straight line, hard work keeping puck in front and not puck sink in sand. Puck not sink in ice. Skate straight line crash into thugs. Some thugs are my thugs, some thugs are enemy thugs. I club all with stick until I sure. And skate faster. And learn to skate with turning. Hockey with turning is new hockey for me. Hockey with team thugs is new hockey for me. But I m Keita Kourou, best hockey player from Mali histories. I learn these new hockeys from Saskatunoid team thug mates.

Alas, she was not herself from there. We crossed paths at your big summer exhibition. Lovely walks down by the river with that girl.

1 I have just arrived fresh from deserts of Africa where I learn to skate by skipping down dunes in old socks with expensive ice cubes tape down on them. Then fly to Canada and mush mush mush behind husky dogs to Saskatoon to learn Canada culture. I know nothing of other teams. I know nothing of teammates. We beat everybody because coach say so. Next question. 2 For me, everything is skating. I am still getting used to hockey on actual ice. No ice in Mali. 3 i no want to face Saskatoon. When you face yourself, is when lose happen. You gave any one else, is when win happen. 4 I don’t know. Explain this. What is mean by “play off”? Are we not trying to “play on”? Is this a Canada English thing? 5 i am bird. Bird fly high like aeroplane that bring me to Canada for hockey on ice. I want be best ice hockey player in all Mali, all Africa. I know not owl. What is owl? 6 I hear in Canada summer never comes. Clocks shift to move time twice a year so always winter. But is ok, always winter good for always hockey with ice. With ice but mix ice cube taped to old socks.

For myself, Mexico and Ottawa didn't post above, so they weren't considered. (Not that that's your point.) If I were ignoring any knowledge of the league and just picking what cities I had the strongest personal connection to, both Mexico and Ottawa would have been high on the list. But I met a pretty girl in Saskatoon once.

Let's #GetWild , then! Seems I'm barely touching the ice, but I'd rather watch an underdog playoff story if I'm only around for a bit. Looking forward to hearing from you, @Bulduray_1!

Fair - and those are playoffs I wouldn't have been a part of earning, so it's two seasons past that I'm focusing on, I think.

Thanks for the interest, folks! I'll check into your teams a bit tonight, and will answer after. My instincts tell me to go seek a team where I'd fight for a top- or second-line spot within a couple seasons, not a team with few enough prospects coming up to see me get it more easily sooner. Team success before individual success for me, so long as I'm feeling I can contribute to that success.

Player Information Username: woog Player Name: Keita Kourou Recruited From: SisterLeague Age: 16 Position: LW Height: 65 in. Weight: 140 lbs. Birthplace: Mali Player Page @VHLM GM

Hey folks, dropping in my from my normal haunt in the SBA. Grew up with hockey games on my radio - maybe this is getting back to some roots. Thanks to the fine folks who have both leagues in common that led me here. Your cheque will be in the mail... once I figure out the mail here.