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Edwin's off to fuck up another Franchise!


Most people in life have a dream that Edwin Encarnacion will one day get brutalized with a barrage of stones, knives, pucks and anything that you can really throw at a human being to hurt him before being horrifically mutilated by a pack of ravaged dogs while Jim Ross commentates about how he’s been “broken in half”. However, one (and perhaps the only) person who doesn’t have this dream is Edwin Encarnacion himself, so what does the Dominican dream about? Well, in typical Encarnacion fashion, he dreams about the most absolutely stupid thing possible, and that’s becoming a four time leader of the penalty minute rankings. Currently Encarnacion has been a two-time PIM Champion (that’s what Encarnacion refers to it as, because apparently it’s something to be proud of) and he has set his sights on becoming the first ever VHL player to lead the league in penalty minutes for four professional seasons.


However, Encarnacion’s task got a lot tougher after the events of last night, which saw him traded to the Calgary Wranglers, the fourth professional team that Encarnacion has played for. While Encarnacion still, somehow, remains on top as the defenseman with the highest amount of recorded practice hours on the team, the strategy for the Wranglers does not have Encarnacion starting on the first line of defense, as he finds himself behind rookie Koji Yamakazi and Tony Stark who, despite entering the league at the same time as Encarnacion, has over a hundred less practice hours. As a result, Encarnacion has seen his playing time slip from around 30 minutes per game to just 25 minutes per game, obviously limiting the amount of opportunities that Encarnacion has to chalk up the penalty minutes.  So what does Encarnacion plan to do in order to make sure that he can still rack up the penalty minutes he needs to become the four-time “PIM Champion”? Well, we asked the man himself:



Edwin finally returns "home" to Canada, and suicide rates are set to skyrocket!


“Yeah dawg, nahmsayin’?  Now dawg, Im’a bout to drop some real science shit on yo ass so you betta be followin’, y’earme? OK, so thanks to those intellects at the board that governs, they’re able to get me in contact wit’ some proper science guys man for just 10 million Benjies man! Turns out playa, I got 13 fo’ that ass nahmsayin’? So at the end of dis season right ‘ere, Im’a call my dawgs at the B-to-the-G, yell “SCIENCE PLAYA!” and they gon link a playa up. Then when they link dat playa up, dawg it’s about to get real science in here, ya feel me? See these fools can rewire my whole body man! I can forget all the shit I don’t need no more, like the scoring and the passing, and just become a pure fighting freak son! And with the spare three mill, Im’a go to the boys at the VHL Mag and say “Double-spread, me nude on a table, hockeyball over the dick, HIT ME!” and then I even got change left to buy some fucking drugs man!”


So how will Encarnacion’s planned “re-tooling” help in his quest to record the most penalty minutes next season? Will he be benched even further for suggesting such a stupid idea? Does he even have skills in scoring and passing to deduct from? Should we be laughing that it only takes a “hockeyball” to cover his penis? Regardless, we wish Encarnacion all the best with his future endeavours!

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Probably not what the BOG had in mind when implemented that attribute re-distribution...

Maybe not this exact way, but I do know the BOG believes in dream fulfillment, and they have done a grand job in giving me this opportunity to fulfill them

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  • Senior Admin

Content: 3/3

Hahaha, this was an interesting read. I fully support Encarnacion on his quest to take over the PIM record. Best of luck.


Grammar: 2/2

Not counting Edwin's quotes, nice!


Appearance: 1/1



Overall: 6/6

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