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Claimed:Playoffs? [6/6 Final]


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The Continental Cup, not that Edwin Encarnacion knows what that is


One would presume that progressing through the playoffs to the championship game and lifting the championship trophy would be the goal for all of the players on the remaining four teams with a shot at the Continental Cup. However, it turns out that there is certainly one player who doesn’t care about success. Former baseball superstar turned incredibly shit hockey player Edwin Encarnacion was interviewed yesterday and, well, he seems completely oblivious to what’s actually going on.


“Y’know man, this pisses me right off, nahmsayin’? I was on my way back to the Dominican Republic to start my holiday, and I get a call from Coach man, and he’s like “Where the fuck are you!” and I’m like “The fuck is your problem? Season’s over dog I’m jetting off home”, so then he tells me that I still have hockey to play because, for some fucked up reason, the commish has decided that we have to “play off” against the Meute. So I say how long till I can go on holiday and coach tells me that depends on the results of the game. The fuck is that about man? What kind of sports organization says “Oh y’know you still gotta play, just cause” after the season’s over, until whenever the commish decides, nahmsayin’? I think the guys at the BOG need to get off their high horse and realise that this “indefinite schedule” is just “definite bullshit”, nahmsayin’?”



The reason for the "statistical confusion"


Despite clearly being in premature holiday mode, Encarnacion has actually done a pretty decent job on the ice in the playoffs. He currently has recorded more hits than any other defenseman in the playoffs and has the highest recorded shot percentage thus far, thanks to his two goal performance in a losing effort against the Meute in the second game of the series. When asked about his very positive shot percentage, Encarnacion was quick to dismiss it.


“Haha, yeah about that man, I gotta be honest with you, I ain’t taken any shots on the ice, nahmsayin’? I mean I ain’t made a big deal about it because I can understand why someone would think they’re shots man because for whatever reason, we haven’t gotten any decent sized cups anywhere on the bench so I just have to nick the shitty water cooler ones, nahmsayin’? I guess the gloves just make it look like a shot, but nah, they’re cups of beer man. It’s difficult to finish them off man, I mean you tried checking a guy with a cup of beer in one hand? Before you know it man, it’s all over the floor and, y’know, I try and hoover it up man but that ice man, ice cold man! But yeah, I think the statisticians have really let themselves down this year man, I mean I’d been working on stealing the bases in the preseason, but there’s no way I stole over a hundred bases this year man. Like maybe I stole 40, but that’s at a push, y’know?”

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