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My short story

Kesler

By Kesler
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Kesler

Kesler 1,514

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Posted

Hey guys this is my short story that is due tomorrow, all I need to do is add some dialogue somewhere, where should I do it?

Our Relationships With Others Shape Who We Are

This is my story, over the past couple months I have experienced some things people my age should not go through. These conflicts, these acts of nature that have happened on my life path will and have shaped who I am on the inside and on the outside as well as the people that have experienced these things around me. My name is Alexander Smirnov; my friends call me Alex for short and no not the vodka Smirnoff, the Smirnov that in Russian means old man drinking. I live in just outside the capital of Russia, Moscow in a city called Podolsk. It is very cold here in the winters but my older brothers Sergey and Alexey (my dad wasn’t very good at giving names) loved the snow and the cold winter months. I look up to both my brothers as they are very good role models and both have taught me everything I know in hockey as we play all year round. We don’t see your mom too much as she is a lawyer that works for an agency in Moscow so she spends all day at work and gets home really late. My dad stays at home and works on the house and various other things.

Okay now I will start from where these series of events started. One day after school I was walking with all my hockey gear walking to the ice rink a couple blocks away when all of a sudden this car came flying down the road out of control and clipped my leg and I went flying. I landed on a snow bank and got up and looked at who had done this. The man driving got out and came to ask if I was alright.

“Hey I am so sorry kid, I came around the corner back there a little too fast and I didn’t see you. Are you alright?” Asked the man.

I said “Yeah you just barely clipped my leg, I should be fine”

That was my entire fault, you want a ride somewhere? Can you walk?” Asked the man again.

“No I am just going to go back home and yeah I should be able to walk no worries.” I said as I just wanted to be left alone.

He said it was his fault and helped me get up, I was a little out of it and wasn’t really into talking so I said I was fine so I grabbed my gear and started my walk home. I tried to call my dad to tell him I got hit by a truck but there was no answer. Once I got home my dad was running out of the house towards the truck.

He asked me “What are you dong Alex? You should be at Hockey right now”
I responded by “I was on my way walking to the rink when a guy speeding on the road clipped my leg and I went flying, I am fine though”
He was shocked and asked me if I was alright, I said I was fine even though my leg was bruised and bleeding a little and I hit my head on the snow pretty hard.

I asked him “What were you doing running to the truck for?”

“You know Grandpas fishing hole? Well he caught a fish that dragged him down through and he was on the water for a couple minutes and luckily the hut next door heard him and saved him and pulled him up through the hole and took him o the hospital” Said my dad as he was running out of breath.

Me and my dad quickly got in his truck and rushed to the hospital. When I and my dad got there the doctors had done an analysis over his body and came to conclude that he suffered hypothermia and that he was likely going to die. Me and my dad were devastated and were very up set. I probably looked up to him the most as he used to play pro hockey in the KHL and also played in 3 different Olympics for team USSR. I looked up to him as a legend and he taught me so many things about hockey about being in key situations or what its like to play in a big game. Something nobody else I know can teach me and now that is going to be gone. He dying will change me a lot.
My mom got off work right away and went to go pick up Alexey and Sergey and brought them to the hospital. My mom cried so hard she fell down and had to get helped back up, my brothers came over to hug me and I told them I got hit by a car. They were already sad that Grandpa was going to die and now they find out I got hit by car…… It was a very sad day for my family and I. This day will change me and my family, short term and long term we will be affected by this day. Fast forward a couple weeks later, we had my Grandpas funeral and my dad has had to deal with the will and all stuff that has to go with someone passing away.

I have changed my outlook on life and am not much for careful when doing stuff that I should be safer doing. I and my brothers do not go walk over the ice at the lake that my grandpa used to fish at. My brother Sergey has completely quit hockey because he does not want to be reminded of my grandpa. I am much more careful walking around now on the snow and ice now and do not want to go near the ice on the lake anymore. I remember when I was a little kid my grandpa used to take me there and now I don’t want to remember those once good memories are now bad. 

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STZ

STZ 5,386

Posted
Posted

you fucked up every single quotation. You need commas maaafuckka.

 

ie:

 

I asked him “What were you doing running to the truck for?”

 

should be:

 

I asked him, “what were you doing running to the truck for?”

 

Quotation marks are not equivalent to a period, so you don't capitalize things used after them. Also "hockey" shouldn't be capitalized..

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Fire Tortorella

Fire Tortorella 2,653

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Posted

you fucked up every single quotation. You need commas maaafuckka.

 

ie:

 

I asked him “What were you doing running to the truck for?”

 

should be:

 

I asked him, “what were you doing running to the truck for?”

 

Quotation marks are not equivalent to a period, so you don't capitalize things used after them. Also "hockey" shouldn't be capitalized..

 

He asked for help with dialogue, not a proofread  :ssst:

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8Ovechkin8

8Ovechkin8 262

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Posted

Please proof read this. There's a few run-ons, a lot of the sentences have no flow at all. Comma use and punctuation in this is horrid and really scary to even think of. I'm honestly not sure what grade you're in and what your teacher expects in your writing, but if I were you I would get 3 different people to proof read to you and explain what they did, so you learn rather than just get a good mark.

 

I'm saying this so you can become a better student, not to rip on you btw as you may think I'm just trying to be "mean". I don't know if this is because of me being a "perfectionist" throughout highschool and trying to get literally 100% on everything or me being part of a prototypical brown family, but it makes me cringe thinking this is something you were potentially thinking to hand in.

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probably not noah

probably not noah 346

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Posted

A lot of strange and weak sentence syntax, I could give it a once-through and edit it if you wanted, but the key points follow:

- Watch your redundancies and clichés. "This is my story" is utterly redundant, it's implied.

- NEVER use a semicolon. Semicolons are fucking useless. As Kurt Vonnegut says, "they are transvestite hermaphrodites representing absolutely nothing." 

- Saying things like the brothers are good role models is unnecessary. Show don't tell, later in the sentence you say that the brothers taught the narrator, and that he's always looked up to them. That description shows you that they're good role models, no need to state it.

- Continuity and tense errors, watch it with that. You seem to get second and first person mixed up a little bit, watch for that. 

 

You asked for your dialogue though, so here goes:

- You don't need to say who said each sentence, it's usually implied by the flow of dialogue.

- Your introduction to the dialogue is awkward too. You don't need to tell the readers that the man asked if he was alright if you proceed to have the character ask that in the next sentence.

- With that being said, your dialogue flow itself seemed pretty solid to me.

- The grammar with the dialogue is atrocious. But the people above me have posted how to fix most of that, and if you want me to proofread I can fix that and teach you how to properly do quotes.

 

Also, the Soviet Union disbanded in 1991, the last Olympics they competed in was 1988. The KHL was formed in 2008. Assuming that the grandfather played in the final 3 olympics of the Soviet Union, his first Olympic season was 1980. That is to say he had to have a 28 year career of professional hockey if he played one year of KHL hockey. Seeing as I don't believe the narrator's last name is Howe, you might wanna check yo facts. 

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