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Claimed:Cloning Experiment Goes Horribly Wrong


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Cloning Experiment Goes Horribly Wrong

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DAVOS - Although the hometown HC Davos Dynamo have clinched the European Conference's top seed and a bye week, apparently not all is well in Switzerland. Local hotels are scrambling to get everything in tip-top shape (including shirtless photos of Victor Alfredsson in every room), roads are being patched up and plowed in the aftermath of yet another snow storm and an army of identical elderly white folks are on the loose. Wait, what?

 

In a bizarre series of events that only seems to confirm that previous reports of experiments in human cloning were true, thousands of Davos residents have reported seeing groups of mysterious people that were identical in appearance. Some even took to cyberspace, posting photos on websites that showed four identical men eating at a table in a public park. Quick to avoid the negative press, the Davos Laboratory of Devious and Evil Experiments held a press conference earlier this afternoon.

 

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"Reports of a cloning experiment involving Ser Davos Seaworth are completely and gregariously false," exclaimed Rufus Walton, a representative of the DLoDEE. "Just because we are the Davos Laboratory of Devious and Evil Experiments does not mean we exclusively deal with... well... devious and evil experiments. We have also worked on extending the lifespan of puppies and improving the quality of vaginal scents. We're people!"

 

Despite the fact that Ser Davos Seaworth is a fictional character from a fictional world, he has certainly gotten around in Davos within the last few days. 549 new bank accounts opened under the name have opened in the last 24 hours, 872 new rewards programs were made and 12 loans were taken out. On top of all the previous problems, hundreds of thousands of onions have flooded the markets of Davos, rendering them essentially worthless on the open market.

 

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"I have no idea where these guys came from," said an official known only as Commissioner Gordon. "It's starting to become a very big problem and this absolutely must be addressed before Cologne or Helsinki stops by for the European Conference Finals. We can't have several dozen Ser Davos Seaworths trying to scalp tickets or sell onions outside of the Zurich Center during the series. We just can't!"

 

Fortunately for the Dynamo, their hometown has over a week now to deal with the rampant problem. However, the players seem to have wholeheartedly embraced the Seaworths, as multiple players have been spotted walking around the team facility or even practicing wearing Seaworth masks. 

 

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"When it comes down to it, it makes for great fun," said Odin Tordahl. "It's something that makes for a good laugh, brings the team closer, all that good stuff. When you're in the playoffs, you can't be too tense: you've got to stay loose. As silly as it sounds, the Ser Davos Seaworth shenanigans are doing just that for us."

 

While the Titans and Express beat each other up over the next week, the Dynamo will spend the next week preparing for their next series. It remains to be seen whether or not they will take the ice as Ser Davos Seaworth, but that won't stop us from assuming that's exactly what they will do.

 

Jethro Novacek is a writer for the MSFL Times, the leader in assorted silliness. He enjoys penetration, punching elderly people over a can of soup and making music with his penis.

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